Running out of gas

[Jimbo]

I've read most of the MLC resources. I stopped b/c I get so frustrated reading them. They're in a fog ... lost ... can't seem to find their way .... I get it. I really do. I feel for her. The frustrating part is the advice for those of us left behind. There's nothing you can do for them other than sit back and settle in for a long ride while they destroy the various relationships around them and hit bottom. They may hit bottom. They may not.

MW- I do know the frustration you're feeling. The fact that there's nothing we can do to help them with what they're going through is an unfortunate facet of all of this. It sucks. No doubt about it.

I'm not so sure that I agree with your last statement, though. I think that every MLCer has an unconscious list of "things that will make me happy". They go down this list, checking off each item as they go along......

"If I could only move out, then I'd be happy....."

"If I could only get a new boyfriend..."

"If I could only get a D....."

"If I could only get/do/have....."

And then comes the day when they reach the bottom of the list. They've done it all, and there are no more items to check off of the list.

And they're STILL not happy.

That's when they hit bottom. (And I believe that THEY ALL DO, sooner or later.)

Then they look in the last place they have left- the only place they haven't looked.

Inside themselves.

And that's when they begin to rebuild themselves, and start to come back.

You say that you've read most of the resources, so you already have a basis to build on. You know that it takes, on average, anywhere between 2-15 years for them to come back. And that about 85% of them do come back. And the reason that the remaining 15% don't come back is predominantly because of the way the LBS handled the situation when they left.

So MW, knowing what you know, are you willing to take the journey?

My friend Mach1 has a saying he likes to use- "This is a 2-for-1 sale". Your W is "working on herself". (I know, it's a warped, bass-ackward, confused, muddling through sort of way that she is working on herself, but it IS her journey.) You say to yourself, "If only she would stop and look at what is happening! If only she would look at HERSELF and SEE, then she'd break out of this!"

What is good enough for her is good enough for you, yes? Will you be a hypocrite and stand by, waiting for her to change? Or will you take the lead in making changes in yourself, and allow yourself to be the exemplar in this sitch? Will you make the changes that you KNOW that YOU need to make to be a better man, for you?

You posited the same question earlier in your thread that I had when I first started. "How will she see my changes if she's not around"? I grappled with the same question. And then I realized that the changes were not for my W- they were for ME. To make ME into the best ME I can be. And this WILL show through to her, sooner or later, in the aggregate. It is a slow process, but it will happen.

I can't possibly communicate everything that I have learned from my journey, or describe to you the ways in which I have grown since I decided to stand for my R with my W in this one post. But I can tell you that YOU will grow. And maybe....just maybe....your W will want to be a part of those changes.

MW, I don't have to tell you that MLC is a whole different ballgame from WAS, with its own crazy rules that only people who are going through it (or have gone through it) can identify with. That being said, have you considered posting your thread(s) in the MLC section of the board? There is a strong, supportive community over there that can help you stand, if that is what you truly want to do.....