Trying to stay strong

[hopeful_cb]

I had a pretty ok day. Was very hot again and had some storms which was exciting! I like that sometimes. I had a quick dinner with 2 friends and then one of my neighbors invited me for a drink, he was headed down to the little communal area outside my apt building to enjoy the nice weather, normally I would never go but thought why not meet my neighbors. That led to going for a quick drink at the pub round the corner...when I agreed I thought it was going to be us 2 plus another girl that used to live next door to me, I thought it'd be a good chance to meet another person...but it turned out it was just us 2. I didn't know how to get out of it! but then decided just to not over think it and see it as getting to know a neighbor. And I made my sitch very clear so that helped.

Was meant to meet H tonight, but he canceled last min again. And said sorry several times for the short notice. said he hadnt got round to the bills, that he'd been lazy, and wasnt well yesterday. He said he would email me about the bills (which he did) and said can he take a rain check. I just responded like no big deal and said ok. I cant help but think maybe he just got a better offer...but I know stop this!!

I went to the gym instead and then met my friends, etc. So yeah I was busy anyway.

[mnt_dreams]

Nice job of accepting the neighbor's invite. Because it wasn't something you'd normally do is exactly why it's good you did it! Sounds like you're keeping busy, and indicating to H that it's not going to blow you away when he cancels on you like that. Good job!

[orchid01]

Sounds like you are doing very well hopeful. I am glad to hear it. I really need to take a page from you today.

I thought it was awesome you accepting your neighbor's invite. I really need to work at getting to know some people - not related to my work. I was so busy this entire week and accepted any invite I got for the past 2 weeks. I just decided to be the "YES WOMAN"!

Hope you have a great 4th of July!

[givingitmyall]

Sounds like you did wondefully Hopeful. Keep it up.

[hopeful_cb]

Thanks guys for all the positive comments bc my eyes felt a bit closed to them all this morning. Yes I feel good bc even when H canceled on me last min, I had lots of things to do to keep me busy and had a really good time, however there is no way for him to know this so it will make no impact that way.

I do feel better in myself lately, but more and more am concluding that the M is definitely completely over. Feel like there has been so little progress in all these months overall. Yes I am having a bad moment in the day right now, so maybe all my thoughts are clouded over by it.

There was a little parade today that went by my house, I didnt know it was happening but saw everyone crowding the streets so watched it out my window (perfect view). I felt a little teary watching it alone at one point but it was ok and I had a little indoor bbq for myself.

I just got an email from my brother about things going on back home with my family that really upset me. I dont know how much of it is just him venting or exaggerating, but I feel like I should be doing something to help but am so far away that I can't. I have been struggling myself so much lately with my own life that I have completely missed the problems going on with them.

Ok going to go have some dinner and try and get out of this mood.

[hopeful_cb]

I'm feeling a little better today and a little more level.

I talked to my family last night and the phone got passed around so talked to my uncle & aunt and my brother and mom. I was pretty sad bc everyone kept saying 'we wish you were here' and when will I be back next? Which I have no idea! They were all at my mom's house with the rest of the family having a big bbq, bonfire and fire works for the 4th. That cut me up a bit, I am missing out on a lot by being so far away, was never so bad bc H and I were each other's family at times like these.

I watched a dvd in the evening to keep busy, painted my nails and cleaned my bathroom! Yes I was thinking I am cleaning my bathroom at 10pm on a sat night...what is wrong with this picture??? but am actually glad its done now

I got woken up to a text from a friend asking if I wanted to do something so got up and got ready. We chatted btw the 3 of us for a bit then went to a park and had a little picnic. I hadnt been to that park before. It was nice. I talked about the stuff I have heard from home and got a little upset, but feel lots better now. Sometimes you just need to 'think' it out loud to feel better I think.

Ive been eating like a maniac the last week! Feels like I have the hunger of 3 men at the moment, gosh dont know whats going on there....can it be stress?!? maybe, probably. I really need to stop. and get back to the gym more. been skipping it a lot lately bc of the heat.

Just was reading back at the beginning of my thread and found this...

I have been thinking tonight, realized some things and I think I need to...

1. Stop letting H make choices for me, or stop feeling like he is making them for me, I need to make them for me before he does. I guess feeling more in control and taking more control for me sums it up.

2.Stop reading into his words, its a waste of time and I probably won't figure it out anyway (this one is hard for me)

3. Stop acting out of fear. (this one is super hard for me)

If I were to reassess I would say

1. I feel I have and am continuing to do this. Probably still slipping sometimes but I really feel more control for myself and less like I am letting H decide things for me.

2. I have stopped wasting so much time trying to figure it out, sometimes still do, yes, but getting better at spending my time on me and definitely think of H less and think less of what his words mean.

3. I am slowly cracking this one...I have am doing more and more things that I wouldn't normally for reasons that usually come down to fear, intimidation, insecurity, etc. I went into a tattoo parlor with a friend last week, would have been too intimidated to do that before.

I see definite progress on me, not so much in R with H or our M.

[hopeful_cb]

Journaling...
I'm not feeling so strong today but at least I've not been teary. I had a pretty busy work day and got a lot done. I skipped the gym, and came home to unwind a bit. I didn't get to bed on time last night. I wasn't sleepy so called my family and talked to my mom and sister for a while. My sister likes to talk so its always a long call if she is visiting my mom's house when I call. But I dont mind I like the conversation and to catch up on all that I am missing there. So bc of the call I was up til after 1am and probably still trying to get to sleep a while after that. This meant that I really didn't want to get up for work this morning! but as always, I made it.

I have a pretty busy week. I am going to a conference on Thursday, only 2 people from each team area got chosen to go and I was lucky enough to be one of them. I never win things like this so was happy. It will be a long journey there and back but will be going with 2? others I think. I am looking forward to the speakers too.

Not talked to H at all. Only remembered sunday that the last time I did hear from him, he was asking me to email him some phone numbers about bill things, and I still havent done that. I half thought, the nerve! why should I chase it up when he could do that, but then I had said to let me know if there is anything I can do to help(I dont know why!) Prob bc I'm so used to doing that and everything else. I know for a fact he hates doing these things...well buddy you better get used to it bc I wont be doing it for you anymore.

Hoping to feel stronger tomorrow.

[mnt_dreams]

Maybe you're feeling less strong b/c you need some rest. Hope you feel better soon! Enjoy that conference! Sounds exciting and a nice compliment to be chosen.

I think you're doing well. I like how you revisited your goals to see how you're doing, and it seems you are making progress. I may steal that idea if you don't mind!

So... did you get a tattoo or just check things out?

[orchid01]

Hi Hopeful,

I really like the place that you are in. It sounds concise and clear. I feel like in the past 2 days or so (after signing D papers), I am not able to THINK clear and I think I am regressing. I think I, too, need to re-visit my original goals and check myself.

I do totally understand "feeling less strong". I think this is such a daily battle - on top of a regular work days and other things happening in life. I also think holidays are just the worst. I did not do well this 4th of July. I need a better plan for myself for holidays.

Congratulations on being chosen for the conference and I hope its beneficial and you enjoy yourself.

Have a great day!

[hopeful_cb]

Hey Mnt, thanks for checking on me

So... did you get a tattoo or just check things out?

Nope went with my friend, but who knows I might

Feeling a bit stronger now, not so much this morning. I didnt want to get out of bed this morning! probably more about wanting more sleep tho!

I think the goal thing is something I need to keep up on more. I need to set some new ones focusing things I can achieve in 1-2 weeks time (like posted on the thread floating around here) It would give me more motivation and keep me going I think.