Hi 25, I know you are exasperated but trust me, if you knew me IRL, you would see that I have changed and I am growing. Unfortunately, it can take time to really build up the strength to change the dynamic and follow through.
Just last night S9 was talking about wishing H would come home. It is difficult and I want to do the right thing.
That said, I woke up this morning feeling so clearly that there really is no hope for a sane life with H.
I think what we are devising is hopefully some kind of sane separation...
As for the sex, I did withhold sex in the M. Our sex life sucked and I was also very controlling and neurotic and stressed out. Of course he was provocative but I'd be shortchanging myself if I didn't acknowledge my shortcomings.
The sexual issue is/was HUGE for him. He felt totally rejected and unloveable and that is why he throws it in my face now that he is "wanted". That doesn't by any means make it healthy for me to endure. But, I do understand and I find it sad.
I'm sure his "in" with me is who he has been in the past and his expressions and exhibitions of concern just when I'm about to totally give up on him.
He is not the mastermind that I convince myself he is. Rather, he is a big insecure baby who knows that my achilles heel is my desire to have my family together (thus, the invitation to have lunch today) and since I said we might not be around, he mentioned coming by the house. This is going to be a huge drama because I really don't want him coming here.
I need to run for now because I want to leave. But please don't disappear. I want to have this conversation with you.
