Amen. If there were a more sophisticated search capability on these threads, and you searched any of L'Histoire du Smiley's Person for the term "fear" or "afraid" -- you'd hit nearly post in the first 3 or 4 threads.
Fear. Yellow freaking fear.
Even in the discussion on "extra-separation sex" fear appears. I think, in fact, it was @Gardener who suggested that seeing LBS "do well" could make it "easier" on WAS -- which is really just another way of saying "I'm afraid to do well, lest it validate WAS's decision."
SORRY But I think This is such crap. IT paralyzes the LBSer and rationalizes their paralysis. IT enables them to stay stuck in their victimhood and not move forward or take responsibility for their happiness. That is all that matters as the LBSer must first for themselves, move on and second, MUST MODEL FOR THEIR CHILDREN what it meams to move forward in life with grace and dignity. All of our children will be hurt someday so they need to know what it looks like to overcome and recover. If the LBSer decides that it is more important to make their WAS wrong, than to GAL and be on their own, AND that the only way to make the WAS wrong is to stay miserable, the LBSer has missed the point and blown their only "Show" on earth. This is not a dress rehearsal.
The LBSer should show that the WAS made a mistake by overcoming the devestation of the loss of the WAS, and recovering their identities and their own happiness. THIS more than anything else, makes the WAS 2nd guess their choice to leave, not pity for the pathetic spouse left behind. On the contrary, it is the opposite.
The more pathetic the LBSer acts, the more likely that the guilt (IF ANY, on the part of the WAS) will turn to pity and then contempt/resentment for the LBSer and it validates their choice to leave. This is so obviously the case in so many situations here. It becomes repulsive to the WAS to see the LBSer crying and clinging....in the eyes of the WAS, The lbser does not "deserve" to be married as they are too helpless and needy...so again, taking charge of your life is not only moreappropriate and healthy for the LBSer, it is also far far more likely to attract the WAS back or find another OP of interest. A WAS is usually in a selfish phase in order to leave anyhow, so if they are being asked to give more...it is highly unlikely to regain their interest. GAL is a win win. And it's a cop out to go the other way, and another form of letting fear take over and making you irrationally cling to misery as a way of keeping the WAS ---which NEVER ever works here!! show me one case where a WAS came back and stayed with an LBSer b/c of guilt and need and the LBSer not being able to function well without the WAS....if that were the case, the WAS would not leave in the first place....[[this is not to say you should not tell the WAS at least once, that you "GET" whatever issues you need to "GET" and own and change and that you are willing to do so, and that you care deeply, love them, etc. BUT in most of these cases the WAS knows the LBSer cares...and the LBSer knows that a WAS feeling unloved is not the real issue. IF it is, fix that. There is never a need to keep clinging and it always hurts your cause. I am Absolutely convinced of this.]]
I obviously feel strongly about it and have experienced and witnessed it time and time again here. GAL works for more than one purpose and is never a bad idea.PLEASE for a moment, consider your life a novel and ask yourself this: Who is writing the novel of your life? Shouldn't it be YOU? Do you like how your novel is going? HOW will the next chapter go? How will your novel end? Will YOU write it or let someone else? Be the author of your life. Take charge of it. Own it. It's the only one you get. Leave a legacy of recovery and responsibility for one's own happiness, for your children. IT teaches them to write their own novels too.
You were asking about MWD writing a book on DB'ing with kids in tow, @alive. Frankly I think an extended treatment on conquering fear while DB'ing might pay bigger dividends for the community. It's part of dropping the rope, but ever so much more so. It's all bound up in the shock of the bomb, the uncertainty of the future.... ah, ye gods, it's a killer. Fear is.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
