Don't know whey the WAS's will not acknowledge our changes, but that is one of those "them" problems not our's. Could be that they have already emotionally detached long ago (at least in my case I think that may be it) or they are too consumed with their own issues.
For one thing, it is not in the "make-up" of the WAW. She isn't going to say, "Oh, wow honey, I have noticed how you have pulled away from me and don't show me the smothering attention your were before--and, oh....all the self-improvements you've made is really making me re-think my desire to walk out on our M." Now, that was intentionally sarcastic to make a point. I don't know, as a WAW, why you LBH's think your W is going to say something about your changes!! It makes no sense to me. What do you expect her to say? Do you just want her to admit that she's noticed? Why would she do that when it does not line up with everything else about her symptoms? See what I mean? It would be totally out of a WAW's character! In fact, if anything....she pissed b/c she has tried for XXX amount of years to tell you that she wanted you to change and you paid no attention and gave no effort to changing. NOW.....when she's about to walk.....you decide to start working and it just ticks her off! So, why are you looking for affirmation? Don't expect it from a WAW!
I think it was asked how I knew my H had dropped the rope. You have to understand that my H knew nothing about DBing. "I" was the one who came here seeking advice. If he had known the tools to use, then it would have been a lot better. I actually thought he was very depressed (and he was) and I thought he had just given up was why he was leaving me alone. He stopped the smothering and trying to force his affection on me. He stopped telling me he loved me trying to get me to say it back. He stopped standing behind me watching what I was doing on the computer. He stopped doing all the stuff that was driving me out of my mind! The only thing he should have done was to GAL, (and he would go see the GC,etc.) but mostly, he sat on the couch night after night watching TV and not saying anything (which was nothing "new" for him. So, I didn't see self-improvements he was trying to make! I did see that he had backed away from me, however. But, it was my D who told me that he had said that he couldn't make me love him. That was when I knew it was more than him being "depressed", but that he had actually dropped the rope and knew he could not control me. I did notice, but I thought it was more depression in the beginning. After my D told me what she did, I felt really bad about the pain I had caused him. Of course, I had been gathering information from the DB board and learning from LBH's the pain they suffer from WAW's. It was all of it together that made me realize what I did to him.
But, yes, I most certainly believe that a WAW notices her H has dropped the rope. It may take a little while b/c she's so caught up in her fantasy world that she doesn't see much of anything else. Then finally it dawns on her that he doesn't act as if he cares what she does anymore. He isn't paying her any attention or spending time with her. He acts indifferent where she's concerned. Yes, she notices. Like I said, my H didn't have the tools you guys have or he would have done better than he did.
Hope that answered your question. If not, ask again and I'll try again.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
