You handled a horribly difficult situation with grace and courage, and my kudos to you for your strength. Your kids are going to need you now more than they've EVER needed you, and I know from talking to you that you're up for it.
My D-then-18 also knew even before I exposed my wife's affair to her, and she also had been hiding it in her heart, afraid to upset ME. What a sweetie. The fear that kids will hear it from others, or find out in some other way and then have to deal with it ALONE, is one of the biggest reasons I'm in favor of full family disclosure of affairs.
She also wrote her mother a letter, and although it wasn't vile or angry, it was no less heartfelt. She even scolded her mother for leaving things on the family computer that her little brothers might have seen. I didn't know she was going to write it, but I wouldn't have stopped her if I did. She went and BROUGHT it to her mother after writing it, and sat there while she read it . . . I can't even imagine the courage it took to do that! They then had about a 2-hour talk.
My wife also got angry with my daughter for writing her the letter, and tried to make it about herself. Also included her mother in it and complained to me that "They have no right to be mean to me, or to love me conditionally -- I love them no matter WHAT they do!"
I told her "(Wife), you don't get to dictate how the people in your life are going to deal with this. You have no right to. You are choosing to do what you are doing, and they are reacting to it how they will react, and you don't get to tell them how that will be."
I hope you'll keep posting, so you can get the support you're going to need. I'm glad you didn't make this a bullchit "we" thing, as I think it's imperative that kids know the truth.
So among the words S14 used in his scathing hate letter to W was the word doppelgänger. I had no idea what he meant by the word. I just assumed it was the misuse of some arbitrary word.
I finally got around to looking it up and, given the context of what he wrote (see above), it fits his message to a "T". [Short story to save scrolling up; he said she wasn't his mother anymore and that he didn't know who she was. As far as he was concerned, his mother is dead. Harsh, and I'm not defending the way he wrapped his feelings, but now that I've looked up the definition, I'm stunned that he summoned up that word in his rage.]
Doppelgänger is the ghostly double of a living person, a sinister form of bilocation.
In the vernacular, "Doppelgänger" has come to refer (as in German) to any double or look-alike of a person. The word is also used to describe the sensation of having glimpsed oneself in peripheral vision, in a position where there is no chance that it could have been a reflection. They are generally regarded as harbingers of bad luck. In some traditions, a doppelgänger seen by a person's friends or relatives portends illness or danger, while seeing one's own doppelgänger is an omen of death. In Norse mythology, a vardøger is a ghostly double who precedes a living person and is seen performing their actions in advance.
She looks like his mother, but she is just the "ghostly double" of who he thought she was... What have you done with my real mother?
My eyes are welling for him as I write this. His pain is so acute...
And while I don't condone his vulgarity, I have newfound respect for his insight and wisdom. He isn't an innocent child anymore.
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
I am so sorry for the pain your family is in right now.
I sense it may be good that your sone can actually let his anger out at this stage so he can be directed towards help in addressing it and eventualy being able to work through it.
We'll be praying for you and your family Alex. Hang in there. - Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Appreciate all the kind words about how strong I have been, but as I noted above, I did not stay completely above the fray... Not going to beat myself up, but I slipped up over the weekend, too. I keep moving, and I am confident it is in the right direction, but I did slip up, too. Always easier to see in the rearview mirror... Will post more on the subsequent events later... But, suffice it to say, I do think kids are in a better place than they were Friday.
Oh, and Kalni, I have had both of these types of conversations...
Quote:
If you feel your wife is not letting the kids express themselves, tell her. Take her aside,in privacy and tell her she is responsible for how the kids will deal with this and you that you wont take her bailing out, looking after her own a$$ while the kids are falling apart. What is going on between you is another story adn SHE is NOT the focus. And Alex, be honest with your kids and show your feelings also. My experience was that that made them feel they could express their feelings as well. At least to me.
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
First (((hugs))) to you and your children...I can relate to your S14 - I to have bi-polar which tends to be more angry then depressed...
I understand how he is feeling because it is exactly how I feel on any given day with my situation.
I had to literally walk away from my husband and leave the house (the night he broke the news about OW) because I knew in my heart if I stayed, he would have died that night and I wouldn't have batted an eye about it...
Going through this is heartbreaking...Throw bi-polar into the mix, and it just downright sucks...Your son (as I am sure you know) is going to feel the same things as you and the other children only those feelings will be magnified and he will act on his emotions (hence the letter, destroying property, smashing walls etc...)
Not an excuse however it makes him feel like he has a handle on the situation and his emotions...
The day after hubby broke the news to me, I cut myself - 17 times right up my arm...I haven't done that in years however no amount of medication could have stopped the downfall of emotions I felt at that time so I reverted back to how I used to cope with to much at one time and that was self-mutilation...
Please allow your son (within reason) to show his emotions, to express his anger and hurt and disappointment in his Mom....Please don't make him keep a lid on what he is feeling otherwise, it will consume him...
All of your kids should be allowed to feel and express without shame/guilt and your W should not hold any of that over them....I have family members that no matter the situation ALWAYS make it about them - Just pathetic and self-centered.
I am so so sorry for all the kids involved in any of these situations and my heart breaks for them all.
Didn't mean to write so much....I am around if you need to talk.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Didn't mean to write so much....I am around if you need to talk.