I had to sit down and do some soul searching. Maybe after all of this time it is time for you to do the same. Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? Is this woman someone you want to spend your life with? I don't mean the woman you fell in love with. I mean the one she is right now. Tomorrow is guaranteed to noone. Think on this.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
I'd just joined the community here and was doing that massive thread-a-thon you do when you first join and read a lot about A's and MLC's and the like -- suspecting (correctly, I still believe) that WAW was in the midst of both.
This behavior you describe mit Deiner Frau in Deutschland when S17 was visiting triggers my memory circuits. It's a long road, isn't it, from A to not-A? With lots of opportunities for back-sliding, as I understand it.
How far down the road do you think German Wife is? And with respect to @goingtofixME's post, I think the question implied by the question you ask at the bottom of your "About Me" sig is THE question -- when we (LBS's) backslide, we flog ourselves here on the boards until someone inevitably says, hey don't worry about it, backslides are inevitable -- just keep on truckin'.
So how many backslides does one (you, me, anyone) tolerate from Wayward until we take our football and go home?
That, I suspect, is the essence of @goingtofixME's critical point: "I had to sit down and so some soul searching."
Nasty work, this DB'ing. A graduate education in self-assessment.
Are you speaking of your own backslides? I think that has to be up to each individual b/c they are the only ones who truly know how much they can take. LBS do get hard on themselves b/c they notice every tiny thing that is said and done. They disect every sentent, every move, try to read minds.....and with all that pressure on them, of course they are going to backslide. Everyone does.
I can tell you as an almost WAW, when my H finally dropped the rope is when I begin to work on my issues and stopped the EA and started working to find my way out of the fog. If you have not been able to drop the rope you have tied to your W, then you will continue to beat yourself up and you will suffer at your own hand.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
can tell you as an almost WAW, when my H finally dropped the rope is when I begin to work on my issues and stopped the EA and started working to find my way out of the fog. If you have not been able to drop the rope you have tied to your W, then you will continue to beat yourself up and you will suffer at your own hand.
I would like to know how you, as a an almost WAS, noticed your H had dropped the rope (i.e., how YOU knew he had).
I think we LBS's (myself included) wonder if our WAS's even notice we have (or are trying to) dropped the rope.
I think we LBS's (myself included) wonder if our WAS's even notice we have (or are trying to) dropped the rope.
Great question givingitmyall...!
I have the same thoughts. I have been detached and focused on myself (at least in my own mind) for several months. I also wonder "Do I really want to reconcile?". But I also still get comments from my W that tell me she hasn't noticed (or is refusing to notice).
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I truly believed that I was detached. Things were going great in my life. I was happy; my kids were happy. I was seeing what I felt was genuine improvement in my W. She was wanting to come home (for whatever her motivations were) and she moved out of her apartment, was selling her car, saying that she loved me and missed us, was planning a family vacation for us in late July, etc.
I guess I let myself get drawn into her promise and become optimistic again. Or like my the late, great Sam Kinison says, "This is Love! Come on I wouldn't lie to you twenty times in a row!"
The funny thing is that it is the issue of her alleged affair from 10 years ago that caused her to flip out, and we are talking about the slashing-her-arms-with-a-broken-bottle sort of flip out. She is sick in the head. I can't fix that sort of sickness. I wish she would go get some professional help because she really does need it.
For the moment, I'm dealing with the sting of having received another body-blow. Serves me right for letting my guard down. Next time I won't get believe anything until she shows up at my front door... and then only maybe.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
Thanks. My great ?'s happen once in a blue moon. I am also working towards detachment. Some days, I am there, and others, not quite. Keep working towards.
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I have the same thoughts. I have been detached and focused on myself (at least in my own mind) for several months. I also wonder "Do I really want to reconcile?". But I also still get comments from my W that tell me she hasn't noticed (or is refusing to notice).
Don't know whey the WAS's will not acknowledge our changes, but that is one of those "them" problems not our's. Could be that they have already emotionally detached long ago (at least in my case I think that may be it) or they are too consumed with their own issues.
Don't know whey the WAS's will not acknowledge our changes, but that is one of those "them" problems not our's. Could be that they have already emotionally detached long ago (at least in my case I think that may be it) or they are too consumed with their own issues.
For one thing, it is not in the "make-up" of the WAW. She isn't going to say, "Oh, wow honey, I have noticed how you have pulled away from me and don't show me the smothering attention your were before--and, oh....all the self-improvements you've made is really making me re-think my desire to walk out on our M." Now, that was intentionally sarcastic to make a point. I don't know, as a WAW, why you LBH's think your W is going to say something about your changes!! It makes no sense to me. What do you expect her to say? Do you just want her to admit that she's noticed? Why would she do that when it does not line up with everything else about her symptoms? See what I mean? It would be totally out of a WAW's character! In fact, if anything....she pissed b/c she has tried for XXX amount of years to tell you that she wanted you to change and you paid no attention and gave no effort to changing. NOW.....when she's about to walk.....you decide to start working and it just ticks her off! So, why are you looking for affirmation? Don't expect it from a WAW!
I think it was asked how I knew my H had dropped the rope. You have to understand that my H knew nothing about DBing. "I" was the one who came here seeking advice. If he had known the tools to use, then it would have been a lot better. I actually thought he was very depressed (and he was) and I thought he had just given up was why he was leaving me alone. He stopped the smothering and trying to force his affection on me. He stopped telling me he loved me trying to get me to say it back. He stopped standing behind me watching what I was doing on the computer. He stopped doing all the stuff that was driving me out of my mind! The only thing he should have done was to GAL, (and he would go see the GC,etc.) but mostly, he sat on the couch night after night watching TV and not saying anything (which was nothing "new" for him. So, I didn't see self-improvements he was trying to make! I did see that he had backed away from me, however. But, it was my D who told me that he had said that he couldn't make me love him. That was when I knew it was more than him being "depressed", but that he had actually dropped the rope and knew he could not control me. I did notice, but I thought it was more depression in the beginning. After my D told me what she did, I felt really bad about the pain I had caused him. Of course, I had been gathering information from the DB board and learning from LBH's the pain they suffer from WAW's. It was all of it together that made me realize what I did to him.
But, yes, I most certainly believe that a WAW notices her H has dropped the rope. It may take a little while b/c she's so caught up in her fantasy world that she doesn't see much of anything else. Then finally it dawns on her that he doesn't act as if he cares what she does anymore. He isn't paying her any attention or spending time with her. He acts indifferent where she's concerned. Yes, she notices. Like I said, my H didn't have the tools you guys have or he would have done better than he did.
Hope that answered your question. If not, ask again and I'll try again.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
