Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Thinker]

Hi All,

I am looking for examples / recommendations / ideas for how to best share finances (in a health way) in a single income family.

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My Sitch:
I am the primary wage earner in our family - I have a high-paying job/career and earn 97% of our families income. My W is primarily a SAHM, and has a part time job that is allowing her to get back into her field and is great for her, but which pays only a very small amount. When we got married, I converted my bank account and credit card to joint accounts, and for the past 11 years we have lived on a shared pool of money. Due to the fact that she had more free time, ran the household, and is (honestly) better at remembering to do things on a regular basis, She took over full responsibility for getting the bills paid, tracking balances, etc. I was happy to let her do this - and in fact kind of expected it as this was the arrangement my parents had - my Dad earned the money and my Mom managed it.

Unfortunately, I think this is not a healthy arrangement for us. Although I don't like managing budgets, etc., I also don't like the lack of control I had. My W is not at all irresponsible, but we definitely have differing priorities and views on how to spend and save money. I resented her spending and she resented my control. It resulted in a lot of tension and resentment on both of our parts.

In addition, I feel it has also resulted in a situation where my W sees money as "Her Money" (ie what she earns), and "Our Money" (ie whatever I earn). I have worked hard and sacrificed a lot over the years to be able to earn what I do, have the responsibility to continue to work hard to support the family, and (particularly in our current limboland R) feel unappreciated and taken advantage of. In other words (and mindreading a bit) I feel that in my W's mind, if everything that I earn is already communal property and taken for granted, then what is the appeal in having a H (me) who works hard to support his family?

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So I would want to take back control of my own money. It would make me feel better about myself, empower me, and will also make it clearer what I contribute.

I don't however, want to become a controlling @ss. Grabbing back control of the income stream would be a strong, but very aggressive and confrontational move and would leave her feeling powerless and controlled.

My question is then as follows: How do other people manage this? Are there best practices? Does the primary wage earner maintain control of the money, and then just set up household budget / allowance into a separate account?

Has anyone found a good way to make one big joint account work?

Any suggestions?

In particular, I would be interested in the point of view of some of the SAHM's out there. How would you want it to work from your point of view?

Thanks