Partner left after 9 yrs - 18months on, reunited !

[AliSuddenly]

So he said to me at the weekend, "I know you want answers, I know you need them and thats right, but I dont have any answers for you. I just felt mad, like I had gone crazy, I wasnt myself." I asked him how come he acted so wierdly, he said I dont know how I can explain it other than it was like I didnt even know who I was... I gave examples, like, he wouldnt give me his address even, he looked perplexed and insisted he had.. I said no you didnt, you moved in in January and didnt tell me until the end of May. It was like he hadnt realised, he said it wasnt concious.. I asked him why when he wouldnt let me go there, or invite me inside.. he looked sad and upset and said eventually.. I just felt insular, shut off, like I wanted space... I pushed it further - How come you invited your BMF to stay, your Mum, your brother, another MF for the weekend, G came round regularly and MFs A and J and C... but not me? Why was I the big bad wolf? He said, you werent, of course not, I cant explain it, I dont know, I just wanted space...

He told me that Christmas was "awful", that it wasnt at all Christmassy and that it felt "unnatural" to be in that situation and without me. I asked him if he got any good presents, he looked sad and said no.. (my intuition was right, whatever she got him must have been nothing he liked/wanted).. he said his brother got him some chocolate. He looked so sad I joked, ahh, I would have got you some great presents and he said "I know you would have, I actually thought that!" I said on the day?? He said yes!

I said I was surprised he had asked me if I had had anyone in my bed and was he was surprised (that I hadnt moved on/given up) he said, it was "very humbling"...I asked him if he had worried that I might, he said, yes, absolutely, he worried about it all the time, he kept thinking.. has she? I said, but thats crazy ! (like why stay away if he was worried I would meet someone !!??) he agreed, but again, couldnt explain. I said, well you didnt ask me if I had! He said he couldnt, he was too embarressed..

Then he said G told him that I was getting relationship help (from this website? Not sure).. he said he was really upset when he heard that, it made him feel terrible. I asked why and he said "Because I really cared about you and so it upset me".. I said that wasnt nice to hear.. that back then he just "cared about me".. he said, "Of course not! I still loved you, in fact, looking back I realise now that I never stopped loving you all along, stupid hey, but then hindisight is a wonderful thing."

We have been ML alot, but he has had some performance problems, which I got him to talk about.. he said its because he just feels so sad and upset at how he has behaved. I reassured him it is just the guilt, that alot of men in his position on this website have exactly the same issues when they come back, so not to feel odd or worried about it.. he was relieved when I told him that. I suggested we only do it in the dark for now instead, so he doesnt have to 'face me', or look me in the eye.. and strangely that worked just fine !!

He said did we really have to take the February date as our anniversary anymore? He had been thinking that we should move it, as it would have been our 10th, so if we move it to a date in the future, we could still have it (how sweet!). I admitted I felt he 'owed me' an anniversary as I thought we would be back together by February. He agreed completely and said he was thinking September.. so I dont know what date we will arrive at.. but seems he has been thinking about it, he then said "I want to take you back to Stoupa".. and a few weeks back he suggested going there in September. I cant help wondering if he plans to ask me to marry him then (his bestest MF asked his gf on their 10th anniversary). He doesnt want to use the recent date when we got back together a a 'new' anniversary. I asked him if he even remembered when it was... (thought, bet not!) and he grinned "oh yes.. 15th May.. Friday night!" I said, wow, how come you remembered?? He said, oh I remember the date clearly, because I was so excited you were coming...

So we still havent made ANY reference to an ow (although we have established I had no OM!) but there is some progress. He still seems hugely upset and is quite clingy with me !!!