You handled a horribly difficult situation with grace and courage, and my kudos to you for your strength. Your kids are going to need you now more than they've EVER needed you, and I know from talking to you that you're up for it.
My D-then-18 also knew even before I exposed my wife's affair to her, and she also had been hiding it in her heart, afraid to upset ME. What a sweetie. The fear that kids will hear it from others, or find out in some other way and then have to deal with it ALONE, is one of the biggest reasons I'm in favor of full family disclosure of affairs.
She also wrote her mother a letter, and although it wasn't vile or angry, it was no less heartfelt. She even scolded her mother for leaving things on the family computer that her little brothers might have seen. I didn't know she was going to write it, but I wouldn't have stopped her if I did. She went and BROUGHT it to her mother after writing it, and sat there while she read it . . . I can't even imagine the courage it took to do that! They then had about a 2-hour talk.
My wife also got angry with my daughter for writing her the letter, and tried to make it about herself. Also included her mother in it and complained to me that "They have no right to be mean to me, or to love me conditionally -- I love them no matter WHAT they do!"
I told her "(Wife), you don't get to dictate how the people in your life are going to deal with this. You have no right to. You are choosing to do what you are doing, and they are reacting to it how they will react, and you don't get to tell them how that will be."
I hope you'll keep posting, so you can get the support you're going to need. I'm glad you didn't make this a bullchit "we" thing, as I think it's imperative that kids know the truth.
