My H said he wants a D, I'm devastated!

[Dawn of Hope]

He started to touch me and asked if we could have sex again and I asked if he had divorce papers waiting for me after the fact. H said "yes" and again told me I needed to stop being in denial. That we could still care about each other and be intimate; but, his mind would not be changing.

Are you blinkin' kidding me?? He wants you to have sex with him and then sign divorce papers for him before you've even taken a shower? The person in denial here is NOT you!! What does he think D is all about, huh, sunshine and roses and sweet romance with the person he is D'ing? Can we all say "delusional"?? ...yes, I thought we could.

My H never expressed any interest in having sex with me post-bomb, so it wasn't an issue for me, but if I were in your sitch, I would be tempted to tell him that I am a package deal. The sex and the M go together, and if he doesn't want the latter, the former is not an option. You also have to be wary about STD's. This is a complicated issue, and there are plenty of comments on this topic on the forums.

H said he did not know how to make this any easier for me and that I was selfish because I did not understand how difficult this is for him.

See if you can get that man into one of those dunking booths and take away the cage. Maybe a few good smacks with the ball and getting dumped into cold water will help him to correct his definition of the word "selfish," which actually applies to him rather than to you because he is the one who throws his little hissy fits if you don't give him exactly what he wants. He sounds like a 5-year-old. I am seriously running out of patience with these insane MLCers; they truly seem fit for straitjackets sometimes.

I really need advice how others proceeded up and until the day their loved one walked out the door.

For me, during the 13 months between the bomb and when my H chose to move out, the key was being as kind and cheerful when he was around as I could manage. If I couldn't at least be pleasant to him, I got out of there until I got my emotions under control. I am not the one to talk to about boundaries, because I never really set any (he wasn't being rude or vindictive, or asking me for stuff I didn't want to give him, so I just lived with the other stuff, like his ongoing torrid R with OW). It was NOT at all fun or easy, but I was trying very hard to live in a way that would allow me to KNOW that I had done absolutely everything I could to facilitate reconciliation, and that I had lived with integrity despite his actions...and I do know this, and it means a great deal to me. I am able to look myself in the mirror every day and know that even though I have many flaws, I truly did the right thing in response to his antics, and I have nothing to be ashamed of or question myself about.

My thinking was that I couldn't do anything about my past actions, but I was NOT going to give him anything post-bomb that he could point at and say, "I left because she kept doing _________." All his reasons would have to be from things that happened pre-bomb (or that he _thought_ happened), and were no longer applicable, so he wouldn't have a good CURRENT rationale for walking. My goal was to be the sort of W he would have to be crazy to leave.

He did leave, eventually (I think it had something to do with the fact that I actually crossed his wishes once in those 13 months, two weeks before he left [he wanted me to stay away from the community theatre where he was performing {playing a H whose W cheats on him, no less! } so that OW could attend his performance without having to worry about being in the same room with me, and I politely refused to comply]. I am still waiting for my reconciliation miracle, but I do feel that the way I have treated him since the bomb has helped reduce the amount of friction and nastiness, and that this was the right thing for _me_ to do. I can't speak to what is right for you, though.

Please note: I also think that you need to protect yourself...just think defense, not offense (I am sure some here will encourage a more agressive agenda, and I am not going to argue about that; I don't feel qualified). If he is filing papers against you, you need to get your own lawyer and figure out what your best options are, given that you don't want to burn bridges but you _must_ deal with him in the legal arena. Also, I have no personal knowledge about this, but it is my understanding that given that you don't want a D, it is reasonable for you to request in your paperwork that all of your legal fees be paid by him. Your L will be able to advise you better on that.

H doesn't believe his mother has genuine concern over his health (physical and mental) do I ask his mother to tell him that she loves him. Would that do absolutely any good?

NO, NO, NO! Do not get in the middle of your H's R with his mother. Absolutely stay out of it. If you have a decent R with her, great, but don't try to mediate between them or tell either of them how to behave with the other--it will come back and bite you on the butt. And there's no call to lie, but don't bad-mouth either of them to each other or other family members--if you sling any mud around, some of it is guaranteed to land on you.

Take care of yourself. Read (and practice) everything you can about detaching.

Peace and blessings,
Dawn