What a weekend...

[AlexEN]

Well, my thread locked... But, I'm finally posting an update as I try to digest the weekend's happenings...

Where to start? Don't even know... I guess with this... Thanks to all who checked in with me in the alt.

It was brutal, and still seems surreal...

I am still astonished, though I shouldn't be, at just how selfish W is being...

In any event...

Friday morning, after our D11 put her homemade scones in the oven to cook, W said "we" need to have a family meeting...

We proceeded to sit down both of us sitting on the coffee table, the three of them on the sofa across from us...

W tried to grab my hand, which I pulled away as I firmly, but politely reminded her (again) that this was not a "we" meeting.

No sooner than W opened her mouth did our youngest (S9) start to say "No, no, no..."... The look of horror and grief on his face will be forever etched in my mind. D11 held pillow over her face. S14, who is bi-polar, looked as though what was being said didn't even register, but when it did... Whoa... He went absolutely nuts in a way I've never seen him do. His emotion was pure anger, but through his anger, more on this later, he was, IMO, "spot on" in his assessment of the situation.

S14 was over-the-top vulgar in his response (using every bad word in a 14 year-old's vocabulary) and began trying to destroy the house, but more precisely, anything belonging to W. D11 was disturbingly calm (still so), but when the noise from S14 subsided enough she said she "knew" since November (when it turns out she saw W buy a book on Amazon about helping kids cope with divorce). So, she's been processing all alone since then and protecting her brothers by not telling them. That, to me, is amazingly sad, yet noble. I am so sorry she's had to carry this knowledge with her... just waiting for the other shoe to drop... yet proud that she wanted to protect her brothers. They are lucky guys, yet S14 has treated her like $hit since because he's angry that she offered to help W move into basement guest room and decorate. S14 has also been very angry with S9 because S9 is the "human scoreboard"; he's always been an equal opportunity hugger... He, S9, has been by far the most mature of any of the 5 of us in dealing with this [As an aside, he told me last night as I was tucking him in: "Daddy, I think I knew in my heart, but not in my mind." Out of the mouths of babes...]

S14 was out-of-control angry. He smashed holes in a wall, destroyed W's cell phone and did other damage. He called W a selfish-bit*h and, later in the afternoon, wrote W the most scathing hate letter I could ever imagine. He is hurting in ways that are probably incomprehensible to those of us who aren't bi-polar and who haven't had to live through such an experience.

This weekend was a blur of calm and storm... I can't even remember what all happened in what order but some of the snippets paint the picture of the past 72 hours are just so surreal, flat out wrong, and, simply, not the way a child's life should be...

Scene 1: S14 Angry at W about her talking about vacations... S14 firmly says "Who are you kidding, we're not a family anymore. You are so delusional." W's snarky response? "Did Daddy tell you to say that?" S14: "You don’t think I have a mind of my own? W: It just sounds like something Daddy would think. Now, granted, I sure do think it, but S14 and I have never discussed it... Ever.

Scene 2: I go on a bike ride with S9 who is very upset about everything but firm in his conviction that the D will not happen. [Whereas S14 is angry (leaving very little room for other emotions to be expressed), D11 seems to have already "accepted" D as fait accompli or is repressing in the mold of both of her parents' FOO issues, S9 is somewhat in denial, but also resolute that the D won't happen... "Daddy, can't you just not agree to it?".] In any event, as we're riding along, he says to me: "Mommy is being very selfish; she only cares about how she feels, not how the rest of us feel. That isn't fair. Why can't she see that?" I try to tell him that it's not that simple and that she feels she has no choice, that she is too unhappy in our marriage to stay in it... and he says: "How does she know she will be happier without our family than with our family?"... My response... "I don't know, but it's a decision she feels she has to make."... "Daddy, you're the one who is here for us now; Mommy is too busy."

Scene 3: At some point, and I didn't even hear this part of S14's rant, W expresses her indignance (in car with all 5 of us going to a Rib Fest) that I didn't defend her when S14 said the D was all her fault. "You know this D isn't all because of me." I, falling for the trap, say: "I never said it was and I didn't even hear him say that. So, you’re angry because I didn’t come to your defense about something I didn't even hear?" S14 says: "I didn't say it was your (W's) fault, I said 'choosing to get a divorce' is your fault and it's selfish." W: "That sounds like something Daddy would say."

Scene 4: W in tears after reading S14's vitriolic hate letter that starts with "F*ck you" and only gets uglier after that. But behind the raw, ugly packaging are glimpses into his pain. "You've destroyed what was a loving family. For what? For your own happiness? You haven't thought this through... This isn't going to make you happy, but in the meanwhile it's destroyed my life. My mom has died. I don't know who you are. You are selfish. I would rather stab you than hug you now. Stop trying to make it sound like nothing will be different. Everything is different. Nothing will ever be the same. You've destroyed all of my memories. I will never love you again. As far as I'm concerned, my mother doesn't exist anymore."

Scene 5: S14 livid with S9 and D11 because they are trying to comfort W who is heart-broken by his letter. He does not see that his own angry words have made her a sympathetic figure to them. I read his words and I cringe, but W, rather than letting him feel what he feels, somehow makes this about her and not about them. I'm not saying they were crocodile tears, because his words were awful, but somehow, when it is they who should be being comforted, W is the one getting the comforting and S14 being made to feel guilty as she tells him how selfless she was over the years when I was "too busy" to care.

Scene 6: W gives each child a handwritten "journal" with stories of them as babies and how their names were chosen and the other names we were considering for each of them. It has inspirational messages to them. It’s a beautiful gesture, but why this day of all days? S14 sees right through it and after reading 2 pages throws it to the floor and tells W that it's nothing but an "attempt to make her feel better about her selfish choice". He's relentless, but in a very ugly way.

There's more... but, that's just a glimpse into this crazy sitch... Try as I did to not get sucked in, I cannot say I stayed above the fray at all times, but, d*mn if she didn’t make it all about her... Oh, wait, that's part of the definition, isn't it? I'm angry and tired...