It's MY life now!!!........

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, ((((((BM))))))

....Please send me whatever it is that finally allowed you to let go because I am not there yet.

I just put this post over on Treese's thread which basically says it all (I pared off a little as repetative stuff already on this thread)......

.....something else I have notice recently in my own sitch that surprises me. When I really finally let go.......I mean really let go..... which for me meant several things.......

1) Letting him have "the dream house" with my full blessing.....we had been building it for our retirement on 40 acres of view property during the last 3 years of our marriage, and he had promised me that if we D he would sell it, and that he wouldn't take any other women up there......he reneged on both promises..... You see my H had always wanted property but thought we couldn't afford it, and I was always trying to buy his approval. That property was my biggest (and last) example of that. But, I came to the decision to see that property as a gift of love and as such should not have conditions on it. It was excruciating, but the person I want to be is one who gives of love freely....so I let it go.

2) I stopped worrying about whether my actions were "DB" or not. I just started really thinking about what was in my heart and being true to that. Don't get me wrong. "DBing" has helped me immeasurably during the past year and a half of my life when my emotions were spinning and I didn't know what to do. It helped define where I wanted to get to. However, I kept faking it and felt like I was getting no closer to making it, so then I stopped "faking it" and went through a very tough couple of rollercoaster months (my supporters here thought I was a hopeless case because I would seem just grand one day and then have these major backslides!), but then I found that I had suddenly "made it" (at least in some part). I think I just really needed to be true to myself in the face of the knowledge that my H was likely never coming back. "Holding my tongue" in the hopes of "motivating him to come home" was not working for me.....perhaps because I knew in my heart that he wasn't going to......?? Or maybe because I really knew he couldn't be the man I wanted him to be.....??

.......Anyway, when I really let go and let my H know it, I was surprised to find that I actually started seeing more of the H I knew in his behavior. ........Once I stepped back and really took away my part in laying on the guilt and he didn't have to justify himself to me, I have found that he is much more willing to listen to my concerns and caring of me in general. .......

I basically think that we get there when we are ready and not before.....and we each need to really search within and follow our own hearts. DB has been a godsend to me in helping me through the past year and a half of my life when I was emotionally spinning all over the place. DB and all the wonderful friends I made on these boards were an anchor of hope for me in a sea of pain! But, in the end, there are no wrong answers. It is said that DB is not for the marriage it's for US. Well, each of us gets to decide what that means for them. For me it was taking the high road, telling the truth as I saw it, and trying to see and have compassion for the other side, while still understanding my own "boundaries" and standing up for them in the most tactful way I could.

BM, I'm wondering what your H has said to you about the debt. Have you talked to him about it at all? Because, even though you live in a community property state, you can absolve yourself of that through bankruptcy, and still keep your home with getting maintenance from your H!!! (Note: "maintenance" has priority over unsecured debt and even secured debt for that matter in a bankruptcy!!) Your H may not mean for you to shoulder that debt he has run up, and may in fact prove to be co-operative in helping you (and him!) get out from under it in the best possible way for both of you.

I know you are very worried and with good reason, but try to take a breath and get all the information you can and then have a conversation with him before you let it get to you too much more, OK? You have said that you and your H were always "kind" and "supportive" of each other throughout your M. Remember that man is still under there, and think about ways you can enlist that man's help with your concerns....... remember, he likes to think of himself as the "good guy" so appeal to that side of him and "trust" that he's going to "do the right thing" by you. In getting mad at him and just assuming he means to "stick you" with his poor decisions, you put him in a position of being "offended that you would even think he would do something like that to you". Ya' see what I mean? Offends his "omnipotent" sense of self! Be the "damsel in distress" (but NOT a pushover!) and you may be surprised what you get.....

Take care!

((((((hugs))))))