Living, Loving, & Learning one day at a time

[Silent Chrleader]

...... my heart started pounding...I mean I thought it was going to come right out of my chest...it's awful....so one more phone call....to the doctor to get something for this anxiety...

I too have a long history of panic disorder. There is no nobility in sitting and suffering in silence. It's good that you are calling your doctor for something to help that.

...... he is so ready to just get me out of his life it's scary...

I would say he's more ready to stop feeling guilty, but I think he will find that commodity not so east to find as he may think.

I will tell you something else I have notice recently in my own sitch that surprises me. When I really finally let go.......I mean really let go..... which for me meant several things.......

1) Letting him have "the dream house" with my full blessing.....we had been building it for our retirement on 40 acres of view property during the last 3 years of our marriage, and he had promised me that if we D he would sell it, and that he wouldn't take any other women up there......he reneged on both promises..... You see my H had always wanted property but thought we couldn't afford it, and I was always trying to buy his approval. That property was my biggest (and last) example of that. But, I came to the decision to see that property as a gift of love and as such should not have conditions on it. It was excruciating, but the person I want to be is one who gives of love freely....so I let it go.

2) I stopped worrying about whether my actions were "DB" or not. I just started really thinking about what was in my heart and being true to that. Don't get me wrong. "DBing" has helped me immeasurably during the past year and a half of my life when my emotions were spinning and I didn't know what to do. It helped define where I wanted to get to. However, I kept faking it and felt like I was getting no closer to making it, so then I stopped "faking it" and went through a very tough couple of rollercoaster months (my supporters here thought I was a hopeless case because I would seem just grand one day and then have these major backslides!), but then I found that I had suddenly "made it" (at least in some part). I think I just really needed to be true to myself in the face of the knowledge that my H was likely never coming back. "Holding my tongue" in the hopes of "motivating him to come home" was not working for me.....perhaps because I knew in my heart that he wasn't going to......?? Or maybe because I really knew he couldn't be the man I wanted him to be.....??

3) I have stopped worrying so much about how H's behavior is/was hurting our kids. I realize now that I had been stepping between them to protect both my kids and my H for many years (long before he left) and I now see that that was not my place. Whatever relationship our kids have with their dad is up to them completely. And that even goes with your younger son. With the exception of things that involve his safety (and hopefully that is not something that you need to worry about) it needs to be left to your son to tell his dad if he is not comfortable with a situation. If your son talks to you about it, you should encourage him to be truthful with his dad. Not do it for him, but empower him to advocate for himself. It will be more powerful coming from him than you to your H anyway. And it also may be true that the reason that your son might feel uncomfortable going over to his dad's "new place" is because he sees that it hurts you, more than it really bothers him to see his dad with someone else.

Also, another thing to think about is that the more "illicit" his R with the OW, the more he is motivated to keep it "to prove everybody wrong". Take that away (which is really scary I know!) and contrary to what you might think (i.e. then he wouldn't have to feel guilty) it might actually have the effect of taking away that "excitement" for him and you may be surprised at the result......Not that it really matters, because even if that were the case, that would only prove what a schmuck he really is and that you really don't need him!!!

Anyway, when I really let go and let my H know it, I was surprised to find that I actually started seeing more of the H I knew in his behavior. My H too had never really done anything financially to hurt me (like your still allowing you to keep control of the money......a fact that I think is very telling on what he knows to be true underneath his bluster!). Once I stepped back and really took away my part in laying on the guilt and he didn't have to justify himself to me, I have found that he is much more willing to listen to my concerns and caring of me in general. This past weekend, my S18 was to join his dad and OW and her family up at the dream house to do some work (something that not so long ago would have killed me!) Well, S18 flaked out on his dad because he "wasn't ready for that", and I ended up calling H at 11pm Friday night after I ran into S18 at a fireworks show and he was drunk. H and I talked for a half hour on the phone about S18 and our sitch and I told him that I chose to believe he was trying to spare me pain by not telling me about this weekend and who was going to be there, but I found that behavior to be disrespectful and a bad example to S18, and H actually agreed! I then said that I knew that the distance between H and S18 hurt them both very much and that I would do all in my power to encourage S18 to do his part in mending that. H thanked me and said that he wanted S18 to go with them NOT to get him to be "part of his new family" at all, but H wanted to show S18 that HE was still the most important thing to H, regardless of any other "side relationships" (H's words) he has.

Well, wow, this is a lllooonnnggg post, and I am sorry for hijacking your thread, but I just thought I would share what has worked for me. I have asked myself a lot lately if whether or not "standing" is a choice. We do choose what we physically do of course, but I mean emotionally. I think that we each have our own journey to take and we "get there" when we are ready and not before. There are ways to make things easier along the way, but there are really no wrong answers. Ya' know?

....... I'm not sure H saying he would change should be enough. I think I'd want to see the change, and for a significant length of time.

Absolutely!!! "Saying" it would never even remotely be in the same universe of being "enough"!!!!

.........I deserve to be treated with respect....that's all I ask...

You deserve that and so very much more, Treese!!! You deserve to be cherised and protected for the warm, giving woman you are! You deserve happiness and joy!

Take care!!

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