Well......I went into work this morning at 7:30am and left at 8pm. I just got lost in my work and only thought about the D and H 7-8 times. Not bad for today. I am feeling somewhat better today...definately exhausted. I know I probably should have really tried to make some sense out of my feelings and what is happening and maybe I should have just spent today trying to figure out my reaction or something...........
But, I just can't and frankly, I am tired. I am tired of so much introspection. I just want some time away. H text msg me today that he wants to talk tomorrow evening. WHATEVER. He will tell me he cares for me....he will say he is happy....he will give me pointers on how to do my job better....and he will tell me to make sure I don't forget to study for my exam.
There is nothing to figure out..........its all just crap....and its a cop out. He can't deal with his life and so he thinks he will just check out of it for awhile....SIGH.
I feel more anger every day. No more warm fuzzies....
I will keep in mind Judyc what you said about signing D papers being the most difficult day. I just don't know how much more I can take. Really, I am brand spanking new in my career, my town, my apartment, and my family life, not to mention myself.
I hope to God I am strong enough to do this. I feel so.....on unsure footing.
I know that I can do it actually. There are times when I just want to be an turtle and just hide in my shell. I think I may be doing that already a little. But, I figure its one day at a time and I am just going to have to trudge along. I almost have too much on my plate all of a sudden. But that is life..its not like life throws you a curve ball after making an announcement and after it knows you can hit it out the ballpark!
I just wanted to say thank you........I feel so blessed today to have all of you thinking of me. I feel very lucky to have found you all and thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. I will try to do better. I am working on it.......just feel a little bit defeated....but, hey its not as bad as yesterday. I have to be in at work at 7 and so I am headed off to bed. Hoping to get home tomorrow at a decent time. I already have so much pending things at home. Anyways, I will check in tomorrow. Have a great day all!
