Magnificent

[mishka422]

Promise? I have stopped promising ANYTHING! I can't seem to keep promises anymore because everything is total chaos.

The upset over having no contact from my family comes more specifically because my cousin knew I was working last night and had said she would call me during the week to arrange something for the afternoon before I went to work. She never did and I didn't feel at that point that I should call her and ask what 'we' were doing. Just awkward feeling.

My BFF has been in Vegas the last 3 days with her boyfriend. She called me Friday night seriously tipsy (not quite drunk yet) and it just sounded like she was having so much fun. It made me wistful....she's there with her boyfriend of 7 years, having a great time, loving and laughing, and all I could think of was how wonderful that all sounded and how sad I am to not be able to have that again.

Don't bark at me now...I am just saying that it's something that I know I won't get to have. It's the lost dreams of fun, love, excitement. The last 18 months have been horrid and at the same time elightening. There are a lot of things I have discovered I had buried inside and was able to hide behind the facade of my M.

I was blessed to have the gift of a M and family. Those are things I really never thought I would have, jumped at the first chance I had, and never deserved. I will be eternally thankful for those memories. They will carry me through the rest of my years. Marcus is the greatest gift God could have bestowed on me. The unfortunate kid is stuck with me, but he's dealing with it pretty well.

I'm not being melodramatic so please no 2x4's. It's really hard looking at yourself and seeing an empty void where a life should be. Depression has packed 30 pounds back on of the 60 I had lost. I start a diet and exercise program every couple of days but the depression just sucks me back in again and I give up as useless and hopeless. One day up, 3 days down. It's really crazy but looking back on the last 15 years I realize that I was able to hide that behind being a wife and mother. Now there is no hiding from it because there is no support anymore. I'm it, just me, and that isn't enough. Not good. I'm lost as to what to do about any of this. I spent over an hour today working out hard only to end up with my blood sugar dropping like a stone and getting sick all afternoon. That probably didn't help my mental state either.

No more lamenting, no 'woe is me'. I know what I am, I know what I lack. I can't fix it, I can only find a way to live with it. How? No idea yet. Working on it.

That's it for today. Just journaling feelings here. Ran out of room in my written journal. Sorry you all had to see it pour out in front of you. Just know......SKIP IT FROM NOW ON.