WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[sandi2]

I'm glad you didn't try to knock me out b/c I used the term "boring". I remember doing that about the first time I came on board here and a LBW let me have it! She was not in the right frame of mind to hear me say that I found my LBH "boring". I'm not sure I said "he" was, but my M certainly was. However, the two seem to go hand in hand. You are doing the right thing by staying active and having a good time b/c she is noticing!

I asked how she was and she said she was really down. She said she didn't go to the picnic yesterday and had been just moping around her apt all day. I told her that she is welcome to join is to watch fireworks if she wants.

This is good b/c she needs to see how it will be in the future if things don't change. The single life is not near as glamerous as WAW's imagine it to be. You did the inviting in a causual way without showing any "urgency" or "neediness" and that is great.

I called her as I couldn't tell what the picture was that she sent me.

We didn't get into rehashing the relationship talk but I did tell her that it was a great nite which could only have been better if she was there with me. She asked why since she wasn't being very nice to me. I told her I know she hasn't but she is still my wife and I do think about her often. She said that I should call her if I wanted to. I told her that I'm still trying to respect her time and space but would if that is really what she wanted. She said ok as if she didn't want to talk to me she would just tell me.

Awww.......you just took a step backward... Let me tell you why. B/c she had already let you know she was lonely/bored by her phone conversation earlier. When she sent you that picture (especially, at that time of the evening)....don't you know that that was her saying..."Hey, I'm still bored!" She threw a hook out there and you latched on. You ended up talking to her for 35 minutes and even if you didn't talk about the R, you told her that the only way that would have made the day more perfect was if she had been there. That was a huge NO-NO! Do you know why? B/c it immediately told her how you were still longing for her....and it turned her off! Next time, act as if you had so much fun that you didn't have time to think of her. Next time, do not reply to the picture she sends. No, it is not being impolite (that's an excuse that LBH's use) if you don't reply. It means you are having a life without her and you don't have time. Listen, make her lay in this bed she created! She needs to feel lonely and bored. But, you didn't leave things as they were and you "had" to respond--b/c truth is, that you took that picture she emailed as your "excuse" to talk to her. Right? I KNOW I'm right and you do too... I can almost here you thinking to yourself, "Oh goodie, I can't make out what the picture is suppose to be--so now I have a reason to call her!" Don't be a fool, man....she "knew" what she was doing! If only you would have found out and then said good-bye, it would have still been salvagable, but when you added that last sentence....that blew the effects of the entire day. You come across and "needy & desparate" and she immediately grew bored. The fact that she began yawning....how rude is that! I hope you immediately told her good-bye b/c if that's not a sign you've been on the line too long, I don't know what is.

She said that I should call her if I wanted to. I told her that I'm still trying to respect her time and space but would if that is really what she wanted. She said ok as if she didn't want to talk to me she would just tell me.

You didn't say what the convo included, but I have a feeling that you were "hinting" about calls is why she said what she did, but at any rate, I can promise you that "you" put waaaay too much into that sentence and you grabbed hold and now you are thinking she's giving you an open door to call her. I bet you even felt better AFTER that call, didn't you? You could not see what you did wrong. It's b/c you are a D.A.M. (as they say around here. And if you don't know what it is, I'll tell you.)

Don't call her! Stop doing that. She has not had time to miss you and until you can show her that you don't care if you EVER talk to her again and you don't care that SHE IS LONELY/BORED, then you will get nowhere. I think you succeeded in turning her off when you "explained" how you were trying to respect her by giving her time and space. That was your way of telling her that she could still have you regardless of how ever much time it took for her, AND SHE HEARD IT LOUD AND CLEAR.

I think I'm going to stop beating around the bush with people from now on and just start telling them to drop the rope right then and there b/c as time goes by, I am more and more convinced that that is the one thing (and many times, the ONLY thing) that works with WAS. If my H would have done that in the beginning, it certainly would have gotten my undivided attention and I certainly would have respected him a heck of a lot more and I would not have done what I did practically under his nose.

I've been reading Fighting Fit's thread and apparently, she was first the WAS and then later her H became the WAS. So, she has it from both sides. In her thread, I read that her H did not play any games at all and stood up to her and let her know that he would be out of her life in every way possible if she did not get her act together and stop her A. He even told her he would use a go-between person to contact her about the children and that she would not even have his phone number or address to know where he lived. She said it scared the mess out of her and she stopped the A right then. Sure, it took her time to get through the grieving process, but it would anyway. But that is the point I want LBH's to see. Stop with all this game playing and stand up and be a man and stop acting so pathetic. I have said from the beginning that she is making way too much contact with you compared to the usual WAW. I don't know why, but I think if you were to emotionally drop her, you would see a huge difference. Am I telling you that I think you sould move away? No. I am saying that you are still holding that darn rope as hard as you can and you need to lay it down....now.

I'm not beating you up, friend......I just get frustrated with you guys.

I'll talk to you later,
Sandi