Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2!

[sandi2]

But why do you think that the people here were more effective in reaching you than your own friends/family?

As far as I know, none of our friends knew anything. My mother knew and I found out our grown D knew. My D may have told my S....but I could not bear to deal with that knowledge right at that time. You have to understand that my background was one of very religious and moral upbringing. My life had been built on the Church. My activities were all around the Church. So, try to imagine how my "fall" was eating me up alive. I was able to tune the Church & God out for a while. I had health problems that I could use for an "excuse" to miss services and stay home. But, after time went by, my guilt in knowing I was living in disobedience to God, was eating me up.

There are actually spaces of time in all of that that are almost like it has been "blacked out". I don't mean to try to be dramatic, but it is kind of hard for me to remember what order some things went. That shows you that it truly effects the mind of a WAW. The term, "fog" is for a reason. It is a "crises" mode they are in and she isn't herself and doesn't/can't seem to function like she use to.

I have to say that it was not one particular event--or a conversation from anyone. It was all of it working together...and the "timing" that this all happened, I believe, was very important. I will be as honest with you as I can and tell you that my greatest fear above everyting was the news getting out into the community and "me" being the focus of a lot of gossip. I felt that my family would be lose their good name in the community and the Church.....not just "me". People talk about how selfish WAS are, and that's true, but I did not want my family to suffer humiliation from gossip and from what I had done. It still sounds crazy to try to put it into words and probably every LBS is thinking I'm a hypocrite. I remembering thinking that IF it got out, then I would HAVE to leave town! And, I am convinced that I would have.

I knew my family would be terribly embarrassed if it got out about my EA. But, the real kicker came the day my D told me that she "knew" about my EA. I will never forget that day as long as I live. I got so sick when she told me and I didn't know how I could look at her. She knew I had been going through something emotional and I had almost had a "melt-down" in front of her, my H, and my GS shortly before she told me of her knowledge. She couldn't stand seeing what I was doing to myself (is what she told me). We never talked about it after that day. I know that a lot of people would think that wasn't the way to handle things but when I decided to stay in my M, I did tell my son & daughter, and thay were happy and that was all we discussed. The problem was between me and their dad.....not them. BTW, I had told my S (and I "think" it was right before my D informed me she knew.....but I'm not sure).....that I was thinking about leaving his dad. He nearly passed out from shock. But I had never told him about OM involved. My D probably did, but like I said....I did not discuss it. The first thing my S asked was if his dad was running around on me. I could see his "protectiveness" kick in for his mom. I just told him we were having a lot of personal problems and he said he should have realized b/c we had gotten where we would argue in front of them, which we never did when they were growing up.

If the fact that I did not talk to them about what happen, had been a problem in our R with my children, then of course I would, but my children are grown with families of their own, so it's not like they are little kids at home. Everyone has to do what they feel like is best for their stitch. If it ever comes up in our conversation, then I will talk more about it.

I had realized way back in the A that I could not support myself and that was why I was still living under the same roof with H. I took "risks" about the EA that I would never have taken if I had been in my normal frame of mind. I told myself that if it got out that I would just go to OM b/c he had said he'd come get me and take care of me. I was so stupid to not realize that as soon as he was tired of me, he'd kick me out on the street! Another way that shows the WAW is not using her thought process normally.

The talk between my D and I was very short....but powerful. I asked her if she thought it was too late and if her dad still loved me. I will never forget the look in her eyes. She said, "Daddy? Still love you? Oh, Mom!" Then she started crying. She had not shed a tear before then. She did not know of another man who loved their W as much as her dad loved me. (Of course, this is noramal for her to think that..I believe....but it helped me to hear it, never-the-less.)

I can see the impact it would have when WAW's are "exposed" to family. However, in my stitch, if it had happened the way I read about some here on the board.....I promise you it would have backfired in a huge and terrible way. I will always believe that the timing was just like it needed to be for me to be able to start seeing through the fog and to realize what I "had" to do. No, my emotions did not go along with my decision at that time. But, I had learned enough through the Church to know that if we make a decision based on what is the right thing to do, then the feelings/emotions will follow later. Mine came much, much later!

That is why I have strong feelings about "exposure" and I can see where in some cases it has to be done as a LRT in order to bust the A. But, I do not believe it is grounds for a success MR. If there is going to be exposure, then the LBS needs to realize that it is strickly to bust up the A and not a means to get the WAS back into their arms again. Exposure is very ugly and hurts a lot of innoncent people. My mother's health has gone down so rapidly since she was told. Am I do blame? Absolutely! But I don't think it was neccessary for her to be told. Not to protect me, but her. She is very elderly and why put her through that b/c of vindictivness. And....that was why my H told her. I would not tell my H's parents that he was addicted to porn. (Which I'm only using here as an example.) But do you see what I mean? The porn addiction would cause a problem in our MR and may even cause us to split, but I would not do that to his parents. I see it as a personal or private issue between the M couple. In some R's where gambling or drinking is the problem that is tearing the family apart.....that has already been made "public". Maybe it is the way I was raised, that you didn't talk about private matters between H & W. But, I am concerned that the advice to "expose" to Newcomers is being taken and applied before the WAW can even have time to try to work through her issues. For an example, one young man took that advice within the first 24 hourse of discovering his W's EA. He was angry and told out of spite. Now, he sees where his W is cold and angry toward him and he has more problems than he had b/c of the exposure. What was an EA could very easily turn into a PA b/c she could think that if everyone knows, she might as well go all the way. That is what he's concerned about....now. But...the sad thing is that he had already advised some "other" Newcomers to expose. So, it can be given too quickly and people react before the "timing" is right.

I want to make this perfectly clear.....I do believe that if the WAS is flaunting an A, then by all means, expose it.....b/c the WAS has already done the exposing anyway, when they made it public. I do not think a LBS should put up with a PA for one second when the WAS has flaunted it in their faces. But if it can be settled privately, then I still think that is the way it should be handled. At least I do not fear looking at people and wondering if they have heard and what they are thinking about me. I know my children love me and forgive me, but others would not be so willing. My mother loves and forgives, but her disappointment in me was too much for a lady her age to take. I will have to live with that for the rest of my life.

I went beyond answering the question you had for me... but this was on my heart, so I shared it. Hope it helps you in some way.

Take care,
Sandi