Jman, it's not about being "nice" vs. being a "hard-ass." It's about strength and consistency. About setting (and enforcing) healthy boundaries for yourself, and standing up for yourself.
I personally am not big on all the self-help psychological gobbledegook. "Speak the truth, in love" has always served me well.
Someone asked Ronald Reagan once if he trusted the Soviets. He said that one should "trust, but verify." I think that's about right.
