I 'came out' to my side of the family yesterday. My parents had about 50 people over for the 4th. Mom is one of 8 kids and she had 6 of her siblings plus their kids (my cousins that are my age) and their kids (who play with my kids), and some extended family too.
After five hours of hanging out one of my closer cousins said, "So where is Dan?" and I just out with it...I said he was with his mom and dad, didn't want to come. She looked surprised, I said, "Well he is staying with them". I think she though i meant he would be staying over night b/c I was pissed he didn't come to the fourth, and she laughed.
So I said, "No really, he is living with them." And then the people sitting around us in their lawn chairs (about 8-10 of my cousins/aunts/uncles) all just got stone silent and looked at me. Then I felt like an idiot. My closest age/friend cousin just came over and hugged me, said she wished she had known.
I took her aside and told her it had been since January. Gave her a very brief overview that he was regretting a lot of life decisions and struggling to figure out what he was doing with his life. I left out the porn/affair stuff b/c i love her but she is a gossip sometimes and she actually lives in our town, the rest do not. So I didn't want that out there in our hometown as public knowledge.
Anyway everybody moved on and we did the fireworks and stayed till midnight and it was a lot of fun.
Felt kind of dumb for telling them that way, but relieved too. Now everyone will stop asking me where he is every time we go to a family event.
I think it's good that you told them. It makes things more real if other people know. He has been playing this secret game all this time, and you have been complicit by keeping it secret. So good. Cards on the table. Most of them anyway. People know, and they will think what they think. And most will be sympathetic to you and think he's an ass. Which is as it should be.
I agree with Sara. No more hiding the truth. Implement that with all areas in your life. Things are -for all of us- what they are. We can only pretend for so long.
Hope you had a good day yesterday (other than the awkward moments of telling your family). How are the kids? xxx K
I'm so glad you told your family BBJ. They are your support system and you need them. An extended family is a blessing from God in that respect.
I'm definitely on the same bandwagon with Ali. Don't buy things for the kids to do with Dan. If the kids ask if they can get something to do with Dan, gently tell them that they will need to ask their daddy for that. Kids have remarkably short memories when it comes to these things. They won't hold it against you and it will either force Dan to think of his kids and their needs, or it will cause more separation between them. Either way, it is good in the long run.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Thanks, everyone! I went golfing with my sister today and she said that one of my male cousins (one year older than me) told her I should 'kick Dan to the curb' and that he was a dumb ass for leaving...
That being said, his own wife left HIM for several months 3 1/2 years ago. She had a PA, left him, it was nasty between them over their two little boys. She said she wished he was dead one day. A week later he found out he had a cancerous tumor. He called and told her she may get her wish...she came running back when she found out about the tumor and they have been together ever since. In fact she is pregnant with a little girl. So it is ironic he would suggest I drop Dan when he took his own wife back. Although, he may just be advocating the 'tough love' approach, which he took. His brother's wife left him, also, last fall. They were separated a couple months. The day she left he got lawyered up, the kids had to have their own cell phones to talk to the parents b/c they would not talk to each other. Strange in both cases my guy cousins flat shut the door on their wives and both came back...
Anyway my kids are doing pretty well. They are with their dad today, he came over for church and said, "My parents are meeting my grandparents for lunch at noon. You can come up with us..." like he just expected I would. I surprised him and said No, I am golfing with my sister. So he has the kids, which is why I could go golfing. Then to lunch, then running errands. Think now I will mow the lawn. Which I actually kind of enjoy...
I am mostly glad I told my family. It was long past time. Part of me just fears the repercussions should we reconcile down the road. However, both my cousin's wives have been welcomed back into the family, and in both cases there was definitely TMI in terms of how much was shared with everyone in the family...
Glad you finally told your family. I would not worry too much about long range reactions. As long as you keep the private stuff private.....nobody needs to know the details. That is what I have been doing .... there is no need to have your family resent Dan more than they probably already do. Like I said that is the route I took...
The cousin I referred to earlier is one year younger than me. She was a close friend to me during middle/high school, we kind of drifted during the college years. Eventually she moved back home and now I am home, too. Her dad is my favorite uncle--and I have six so that means something! In fact, I went with him and my favorite cousin's (Julie) kids to the children's museum last week.
Anyway, I went out to get the mail today as I had been to lazy to get it Friday...stuck in with my mail was a handwritten card from Julie. She had to have put it in there some time today. She basically said if I ever wanted to talk, to go have some fun, to have someone watch the kids, etc etc, she was just a few blocks away, call anytime. I teared up reading it! Dan was there in the yard at the time so I straightened up quick. I didn't tell him yet that I "outed" us, don't know if I will. His mom and dad already told all their friends so I doubt it is a big deal...
So basically I separated myself (finally) from Dan on 4th of July. I gave him a letter that morning when he came to see the kids. I felt it necessary after reading the "Boundaries in Marriage" book. It said to acknowledge the plank in your own eye first, then inform your spouse (lovingly not vengefully) of your boundaries, and then enforce/protect them.
So I told him that day that unless/until he could actively work on a reconciliation, starting with dealing with his own porn/infidelity issues, I was going to begin distancing myself and maintaining a 'co-parenting' vs. 'husband/wife' relationship.
This probably sounds like shutting the door after the horse left the barn or however you say it. But for me it was necessary. He told me back the last week of June, when we met to discuss D issues, "I can't promise that it won't happen again"...this was in terms of his infidelity. He said he didn't mean that he would cheat again, but he didn't know how to prevent the feelings of dissatisfaction with our M that eventually led to the cheating, if that makes sense...He also asked me then not to file for a D because he wanted to talk to our pastor but he didn't.
So anyway the letter basically owned up to my shortcomings in our R, then restated that I still wanted our M to work, then said that I could no longer do all the family/together stuff we had been doing, I needed to distance myself. I also said in the letter I would not bring up the subject of fixing our relationship again, if it was something he desired it would be on him to do so. And I included an overview of a workshop for men dealing with porn/infidelity issues. This was at the suggestion of the counselor I spoke with on Friday.
So Sunday he invited me to go w/him and his parents to eat with his grandparents. I said no. Instead I went golfing with my sister.
He brought the kids back around 6:15 and I was in replacing the fill valve on the toilet. He came in to see how I was doing and as I was cleaning up he tightened up a loose part that was causing a small leak.
I stayed in the house and he went outside with the kids while they rode their bikes. I came out to put something in the garbage and found that he was up on my roof cleaning out my gutters. I mean yes, they were clogged, I was planning to do it myself. But he was already on the roof doing it.
Then I went back inside and made the kids pizza. They came in and Nathan was talking about what kind of dog he wanted. Dan walked in in the middle of the convo and started talking about what kind of dog "we" would get once Nathan was finished with allergy shots (in 3 yrs).
I went outside then to watch Sydney play on the swingset and he came out to say he was leaving. He did mention he had read the letter and had some thoughts but didn't want to talk about it in front of the kids. Not my problem, if he wanted to talk he would find a time without the kids.
Today kids and I have been home all day. I have been cleaning our bedrooms, going through clothes for the yard sale, and mowing. I am supposed to go out with my parents for dinner at a steak house, they invited me. Dan marked today as "his" day on our July calendar, so he better come!
