I'll be getting D1 tomorrow. I look forward to taking her somewhere for the 4th. Then I'll be heading to a friend's house afterward for cooking and social gathering and such.
This morning I've been Mr. Nostalgia again. W is continuing her A unabated, her family is pretty much enabling it because she doesn't want to stop and continues coming up with all kinds of reasons to 'justify' it by painting me as a terrible person.
I wrote a email to her brother discussing my thoughts on everything... then I deleted it. I just don't see any hope for my M at this point, and quite frankly it doesn't make much sense for me to worry about it in the middle of a legal situation.
I just don't know... as I stated yesterday loving her makes no sense at this point and self-preservation and rational decision making dictates that I gain custody of D1 and end the M legally and have any future reconciliation on my terms.
W seems stuck in the same narrow range of bpd coping mechanisms, soundbytes, etc. and it is almost like she is reading off a cue card.
When asked why she didn't want to go to counseling, etc. she said "because I don't think he'll change."
What can I say to that? I've proven her wrong every step of the way. I've been doing everything for my two boys and taking care of everything needed with D1 when I have her.
She is content to drag everyone down with her... and I'm not going to follow the same pattern and become like her, blaming her for everything.
I am starting to recognize that I don't want a relationship right now. I want to get to a place where my children are taken care of first and foremost, and then worry about relationships after that.
I just want to be a good father.
Trial: 9:21:56:30
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
A lot has happened in our lives in the past year plus. We welcomed our daughter into the world, your father passed away, and following that you began acting much differently and began your affair and filed for divorce.
I listened to you for the entire deposition last week and behind all of the anger, pettiness and lies I know you recognize that you have been doing wrong in your life.
I requested a psychological evaluation because you have not been yourself for quite some time. You have a prior history of intense depression and some other things you haven't ever told me, but of which I am aware.
This prior history puts you at extreme risk of developing behavioral problems following certain life events. Post-partum depression can and does lead to affairs and divorce and is quite common amongst women who have affairs after child birth. Post traumatic stress disorder is also quite common following the death of a parent, and I have spoken to several individuals and read several accounts of affairs beginning after the death of a parent.
The final thing I listed in my motion for a psychological evaluation was Borderline personality disorder. I believe you have displayed some traits of this throughout our entire relationship - and again, birth of a child and/or death of a parent has been known to lead BPD individuals into affairs and divorce.
W, I am not a doctor. But I do know that too many things have been happening in our lives and your behavior and reasoning ability has seemed to be in decline - and this was even noticeable in your deposition.
I have said before - and I will say it again, if you do have a problem and if you are willing to seek help for that problem I will stand behind you 100% so that we can work together for D1 whether we divorce or recommit to our marriage. I have done my best not to take your affair personally, because I don't believe you have been yourself and I think if you really noticed how selfish and inconsiderate you have been of me, S9, S8, D1, your family, my family, and everyone else you have affected through your behavior you would understand exactly how patient I have been.
It doesn't require a Judge's order for you to seek help W. I also recognize if you do suffer from Borderline personality disorder even admitting you might have a problem would be extremely difficult for you to do.
I also recognize your refusal to follow a court order only increases my concern that you may have a problem.
I don't know what I expect by writing this. I believe you will just ignore it like you've ignored all other correspondence from me since our separation. There is always the hope I have that you will remember what we were working to build and recognize how far away from that we are at this point.
I will continue to do what I believe is right. I love you and our daughter. Whatever happens and whichever of us is given custody after the divorce I want us to work together for her.
If you do have a problem and are willing to seek help I will stand behind you whether I'm your husband or your ex-husband.
I hope one day you realize that I was fighting for you and not against you.
You aren't a victim in this. The only victims are S9, S8, and D1. They deserve better than the way things have played out.
I'm not going to shame you for what has transpired - but I think you'll have plenty of that whenever the affair cools off and you recognize what you've done.
I can only promise if you return to the marriage and seek whatever help is required for any potential problems I will leave the past in the past and work with you to build a better future for our family.
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,
1 Corinthians 13:4
Your husband,
H
Desperation? Common sense tells me to let things play out. I just felt the need to put that in writing. I just don't understand why my feelings are bubbling up all of a sudden... I suppose moving to the end of the relationship I am having thoughts about wanting to save our marriage despite the difficulties inherent in the task.
My priority list hasn't changed... but I just don't think anything is accomplished in dealing with W. This is the first time I've attempted to do so since April.
I just don't know why I still love her.
Trial: 7:23:51:40
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
I think you did the right thing. If our WAS were reasonable, reason might work, but I don't think it does very often or ever. I tried the logic approach for a long time until I realized it was a waste.
You sound like you're having more #s with detachment lately. I guess we all have our moments. I think maybe missing the spouse we used to have instead of the ones we have now. Karen
Yeah, I wouldn't have wanted to see you give her ANY heads-up legally, which I thought the letter did in a couple of places. Probably best to let it be for now.
Yeah, I wouldn't have wanted to see you give her ANY heads-up legally, which I thought the letter did in a couple of places. Probably best to let it be for now.
Yeah I know... I've just never really wanted to go the legal route despite the fact that I'm so damn good at it.
Listening to her at the deposition she's still basically stuck in the same thought pattern that she was displaying at our separation... it is almost like her logical and reasoning ability hasn't changed at all. Meanwhile I've been developing an understanding of BPD/etc. and have a great deal of knowledge on how to approach her.
She is "bragging" about OM and her relationship in the deposition... meanwhile she's sneaking around behind everyone's back and not being honest with her family.
I just don't understand how she thinks it is going to amount to anything.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
I just don't understand how she thinks it is going to amount to anything.
I guess the chemicals turn their brains into soup. My H explained to me that we'll all be happier, I'll find someone wonderful to love, the kids will be happier, etc. Its very fantasy-oriented, immature thinking. I don't think they are into a lot of deep reflection in the middle of an A.
