How's it going? At times I mull over your words before replying. Have you ever found that what you post in response to another is really a message meant for yourself?
I'm not looking for validation or approval, but I'm also not looking for disapproval -- if I wanted more of that, I have a WAW I can go to.
Posting on bulletin boards is tough. Once you hit submit, it's out of your control. People can read whatever they want into it.. either telling you what they think you want to hear, sharing their beliefs or even stirring the pot.
So, my friend of words... you can do whatever you want. That is your choice. That is what is in your control.
Alright.. I'm going stream of consciousness, Smiles.. since my thoughts are jumbling..
Consider no longer saying "If it's good for the goose, it's good for the gander." It sounds like justification and entitlement. If she does something stupid and hurtful, it's okay if you do? Her weekend getaway is nothing mysterious or foreshadowing. It's a charity event planned before the bomb though the physical separation may cast it in a different light.
How are you doing? How's the old psyche? How true to yourself are you being in counseling? Do you still go? Your posts read (to me) like a boatload of hurt, anger and glee that you can focus on a bit o' booty.
Now I tend to be conservative (or insecure) or know myself. I decided to honor my vows until the divorce was final. It was something I did for me out of principle, weenie-ness, and knowing I couldn't handle the stress. Then again, ex never took the kids opting for a one hour dinner most weeks so I was never alone.
So.. you can boink to your heart's content.. but understand why. You're lusty and a tasty morsel is dangling without salacious reach of your tongue. And I don't know you or your needs.
What I do know, what comes across to me is that your wife's physical departure, letting you assume she was renting a house has blow the lid off. And you have lots of stuff to blow.
Growth comes through being honest with yourself, not being perfect.
Take care of you.. the soulful presence inside. When ex left, my goal was to come out of this as I went in.. a good caring person. Though I have to admit, watching the "I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore." really opened a raw seam of emotion.
Sex is a good thing. Opportunities will always avail themselves. Consider the total picture.
This isn't validation, disapproval or a reacting to a jab.. it's based on my experience of being kooky, sweet, quirky me.
OK, I'll bite. He said "sauce for the goose..." And I said "good for the goose..." Technically, I believe his quotation is the correct one. But mine is in common use also. I'm willing to forget that one as a justification, although I like it's simplicity.
I think it's fine for him to enjoy the physicality of pleasure with other women (practicing safe sex, of course) because:
1. It's his life and his choice.
2. Actually getting out there and living a single lifestyle is the one thing that has the power to awaken the sleepwalking WAS. That is, this will make her question her actions in a way that nothing else will. What is is the bad Gov called it, "crossing the ultimate line"? Love it, I imagine a boundary at the bottom of my booty, but so be it.
Yes, when the WAS sees that the object of her disdain is not repulsive to others, in fact, is DESIRABLE to other women, it shakes their determination. They wonder, "wait, did I leave something of value in that trash that I put to the curb?" This re-evaluation is a good thing. No reason to put it off, if the LBS is not morally constrained from doing it.
Obviously when you live with someone and are in a difficult relationship, you see your S through a different lens.
I can't imagine that the WAS (I was nearly one) thinks that no one else will want the LBH, they are just in pain and unhappy and tired of being motivated by just possessing their S and hanging on out of fear that he might find someone else.
KL- Let me give you an example (hijacking a bit here). We are in debt and broke and have had an extremely difficult time in our M as of recent. Now my H is living in someone else's mansion and having a great time and of course women are attracted to him. It hurts and his ego is being gratified but has nothing to do with what was actually happening in our home and what the reality of his pathology is.
Do you see what I'm saying? Basically, finding someone to boost your ego and make you "feel good" about yourself means nil about the circumstances or culpability in the M. IMO.
I would like to add that in some cases, it might help the was to separate completely. In other words, the was might be holding on just because they are afraid of hurting the lbs. Once they see that the lbs is doing ok, the was can leave without any guilt. I might be on this category because whenever we talk about our m, she always says "I don't want to hurt you." I always tell her "too late". Anyway, she still hasn't "pulled the trigger. She is keeping us in limbo.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
