I had been dying to find out the reason behind the breakup and finally found out that it was because she wants a baby and H doesn't want any more. I assume this means that she was also pushing for marriage - but you never know with her type. I assume she wants just that - a baby - and has no idea of the responsibilities that go with it. I'm also guessing she wanted it to secure her relationship with H, or at least test him to see how committed he was to her, and maybe have one because it's something I have 2 of with H. I can't imagine her wanting to give up her partying lifestyle to stay home and raise a child. I really don't know. I'm just happy that the pressure and the fighting that it caused resulted in their breakup.
I'm feeling more and more used - like H is only staying M to me to avoid having to commit to anyone else. This was fine with me in the past, but now, I'm not as willing to accept it. S has said things that show me he's already lost his faith in H - like he can't depend on him to be there for him and he doesn't expect him to be there either. It's heartbreaking. I feel like the damage is done and I can no longer prevent it.
What you said about letting go is exactly what I was thinking. I've let him go as far as everyone can see. But I haven't let him go in my heart. That's the next big step.
Things will be changing in the next month or so as his friend will be less available. I'm curious to see how things go then and have a trip coming up to help pass the time and keep my mind off of it. Hopefully the time away will help me feel less conflicted. Plus, my insomnia is back and I feel like I really just need to get away.
I have the utmost respect for you for your patience and strength - I'm not even there yet and unsure if I could handle it. Funny how just a few weeks ago, I said I imagine it'll be another 18 months to 2 years before H returns (IF he returned) AND another broken R within that time for him to realize his mistakes. Now, I feel like I don't want to waste any more time in a dead end relationship.
But to be completely honest, I still hope H will come back. I just need to find my strength and patience again, and hope that the rest falls in to place.
Rambling again... Thanks for all your support and advice...
