Just so you know...

[bluerain]

Thanks SMW. I am feeling a little better today. I thought when his A started maybe it was because he had decided that he wanted kids, we had always talked about adopting if we decided we wanted kids, but I think that he just couldnt bring himself to talk to me about it. When I asked him if that was the case he couldnt give me a straight answer, and with anything else I asked about he was able to give me a direct, honest answer.

I know that if he does change his mind about coming home I will be fine. It still would be terribly disappointing, but Im trying to not get all wrapped up again. But I dont think that he will ever have another affair again, with me, or any other woman he has an R with!

[kassie]

Blue,

Responded to a question you posted on my thread... it got a little long and I thought it might be important for you to read it. Also thought I would leave it on my post instead of trying to write it out here.

Let me know what you think.

And JSYK... it wasn't your fault.

[bluerain]

I think that my anger is a reaction to his pulling away again. I dont know what to do, besides go dark.

I got a tax bill in the mail today and had to text H about that. He is responding slowly, with short messages. Honestly, he makes me feel bad when hes like this, so going dark is the best thing I could do I guess, good for me anyway.

I got on amazon.com and ordered a 5 or so books, one called getting through to the man you love: the no-nonsense, no nagging guide for women and Hope for the separated (Wounded marriages can be healed) by Gary Chapman. Im looking forward to them getting here, I always felt like I was a little more in control of things when I could learn about M and reconciliation.

[kassie]

B,

If he is drinking as much as you say he just isn't available to you. That feeling you have of his pulling away from you may be when he is drinking. He can't think straight and will waffle a lot b/c of it. It isn't you, and the 180 might be to stay as detached as you can emotionally and engage only when he calls. Keep the calls short. This is going to take time. You will be able to read all your books.

I gave you the advice I followed when I got here. I never called my H, he was the one to call me. It was hard b/c we work at the same place and our offices are next to each other. I would listen to whatever he said and give little reaction - I tried not to get to involved in it.

I also set my own rule like this... if the convo was good and he was positive I stayed a little longer on the call, and I was sure to pick up his next call. If the convo was a downer, I shortened the call and didn't answer right away the next time. This way I did not have to say much about the R, no arguing, and at the same time I reinforced positive interactions and discouraged negative ones. This also helped me to monitor my own emotions and reactions knowing how things were progressing or not.

Hope this helps. If not, sorry.

[bluerain]

Thanks Kassie. I am not sure just how much he is drinking right now. Every once in a while he will mention that hes just up playing video games drinking whiskies. So Im just hanging back and trying to decide what Im going to do with the rest of MY life.

Its actually really frustrating because I thought that things were looking up. Then he shuts down, for seemingly no reason. I was just starting to let my guard down.

[mdoodles]

i know how u feel and i know how hard it is to not let the guard down.

even when i tell myself not to let my guard down, it happens naturally.

i am thinking its normal for then to shut down, although i dont know why and it really isnt fair!

i should look for the book, Hope for the Separated, never heard of it and it sounds like a good one...

wish i had advice, but im in the same boat as you!

hang in there..

[DCBHM]

Its actually really frustrating because I thought that things were looking up. Then he shuts down, for seemingly no reason. I was just starting to let my guard down.

I wish I knew what was going through a wayward's mind. I'd almost imagine that they feel guilty and it actually is difficult for them to move back towards someone they hurt without feeling awful. I'd like to think they aren't doing those things intentionally.

[bluerain]

DCBHM, I agree with you. I think that shame and guilt can be really hard to overcome. It is a little strange to me how he did a complete 180 after things have been going so well. Im kind of disgusted with him.

Thanks doodles. I went a little wild on amazon. But I got 8 books for $40! I read another Gary Chapman book a while ago, I like his style. Im assuming that its just part of the ride. A super lame part, but one more down on my roller coaster ride. BTW doodles, I am amazed at the length of your thread! Ive never seen one go that long! Im almost afraid to post on it, to be the one to lock it up!

[bluerain]

Last night I was involved in a rescue of a harbor seal pup. I went to the Alaska Sealife Center website and hes not up on the website yet. But I did see a sea otter that I rescued a few months ago, his name is skittle, you can see him if you go to the website. He is getting ready be sent to an aquarium in New York in September, so Im gonna go to Seward tomorrow and visit them. Im so glad to be able to be a part of this stuff, its awesome!

[bluerain]

Im trying to have a good weekend even though H is being an idiot right now. I want to just tell him that I am through with his stupid wishy washy BS. I dont have time for this and I deserve more. What a loser.

I think that I have wanted this so badly, for so long that I dont really know how to completely not want it anymore. But I do know that I dont want to let him keep messing with my head. I have spent a year being unappreciated and unloved.

Just a month ago he said he wants to come back and now hes not even speaking to me? We didnt have a fight, nothing happened that I know of. This is bulls**t and Im through. Im too good to just be tossed away, picked back up and tossed away again at his whims. Screw him. I just hope that someday, someone does this to him.