Trying to stay strong

[hopeful_cb]

I'm feeling a little better today and a little more level.

I talked to my family last night and the phone got passed around so talked to my uncle & aunt and my brother and mom. I was pretty sad bc everyone kept saying 'we wish you were here' and when will I be back next? Which I have no idea! They were all at my mom's house with the rest of the family having a big bbq, bonfire and fire works for the 4th. That cut me up a bit, I am missing out on a lot by being so far away, was never so bad bc H and I were each other's family at times like these.

I watched a dvd in the evening to keep busy, painted my nails and cleaned my bathroom! Yes I was thinking I am cleaning my bathroom at 10pm on a sat night...what is wrong with this picture??? but am actually glad its done now

I got woken up to a text from a friend asking if I wanted to do something so got up and got ready. We chatted btw the 3 of us for a bit then went to a park and had a little picnic. I hadnt been to that park before. It was nice. I talked about the stuff I have heard from home and got a little upset, but feel lots better now. Sometimes you just need to 'think' it out loud to feel better I think.

Ive been eating like a maniac the last week! Feels like I have the hunger of 3 men at the moment, gosh dont know whats going on there....can it be stress?!? maybe, probably. I really need to stop. and get back to the gym more. been skipping it a lot lately bc of the heat.

Just was reading back at the beginning of my thread and found this...

I have been thinking tonight, realized some things and I think I need to...

1. Stop letting H make choices for me, or stop feeling like he is making them for me, I need to make them for me before he does. I guess feeling more in control and taking more control for me sums it up.

2.Stop reading into his words, its a waste of time and I probably won't figure it out anyway (this one is hard for me)

3. Stop acting out of fear. (this one is super hard for me)

If I were to reassess I would say

1. I feel I have and am continuing to do this. Probably still slipping sometimes but I really feel more control for myself and less like I am letting H decide things for me.

2. I have stopped wasting so much time trying to figure it out, sometimes still do, yes, but getting better at spending my time on me and definitely think of H less and think less of what his words mean.

3. I am slowly cracking this one...I have am doing more and more things that I wouldn't normally for reasons that usually come down to fear, intimidation, insecurity, etc. I went into a tattoo parlor with a friend last week, would have been too intimidated to do that before.

I see definite progress on me, not so much in R with H or our M.