Where am I? How long will it last?

[antlers]

Today I'm wondering what he's doing? I'm constantly checking my phone and email, looking for signs of him. I know this is the worst thing to do, but last night around midnight I gave into my suspicions and drove past his house. He wasn't there and now I am sick worrying about where he was and who he was with. Plus, I'm mad at myself for doing that and hate what it says about me.

You have absolutely no control over his thoughts, feelings, or actions...so don't bother trying! It's wasted energy...energy that you could be putting into yourself, instead of spending on something you have NO control over! But, you DO HAVE complete control over your own thoughts, feelings, and actions...so exercise that control!

[Refuse to quit]

I know how you are feeling. The constant need or reaching to see if they are there. I feel the same way. I wish my wife would be there for me. I know she told me the other day that in the marriage she felt so alone. I can only imagine how she felt. Probably how I feel right now. Empty house, no kids, etc. As for DR, I got more out of it or enjoyed it better than DB. Both were good books for sure and gave me a lot of insight. But I felt that DR was a little bit better in my situation. All in all I think you need to read them as with other books and find out what works. Look for signs of improvement and do more of the same. For me going dark gave my wife the wrong impression. Or at least I thought so. She felt as though I had completely detached from her and did not care about working things out and had moved on. That was the last thing I wanted her to think. I have tried something in the middle and it seems to be working when I can stick to it. RTQ

[dmkdmkdmk]

Thanks Antlers. I'm trying, but today I'm wondering what he's doing? I'm constantly checking my phone and email, looking for signs of him. I know this is the worst thing to do, but last night around midnight I gave into my suspicions and drove past his house. He wasn't there and now I am sick worrying about where he was and who he was with. Plus, I'm mad at myself for doing that and hate what it says about me. So right now, I'm trying to get motivated to make coffee and read, then maybe work out. Yet, half my brain is constantly preoccupied.

Thanks everyone for your replies. When my H does contact me, it's good to know that you guys do.

I'm always tempted to do that too! I was at a movie today and I kept wondering, mostly because H had DD, what kind of fun they were having.

I've been tempted to drive past his apartment and see if he's really there. I've been tempted to log on to the bank account and see where he's spending money. I've been tempted to see if he's changed the password to his online phone access.

I haven't "spied" on him in four weeks as of tomorrow. But the damage is done from the two months of constant surveillance before that.

I'm less anxious when I keep myself busy, and when I don't think about what he's doing. Because I can't do a thing about it anyway. I can only control what I'm doing. Unfortunately, I have a house that I have to prepare for a new baby all by myself, so I have plenty to do

[needinghope]

Thanks you guys, but I still have so many questions.

So if no papers are filed and you're still both going to counseling, but living apart, at what point do you step back and say, "alright, someone's got to make a move."? I mean 1-2 years! What's happening during that time with the M? I know that I will devote that to me growing stronger, but what should I expect to see from the M over the course of that time? At what point does DBing turn into Move-oning?

[mdoodles]

i know how u feel, only u can make that decision.

if u feel u have more to give, more patience left in you, feel like u can continue to stand for your marriage, then u wait until u dont feel that way any longer, u wait until u feel u have covered all of your bases, no stone unturned.

make sure u are protecting yourself financially, sometimes finances are what pulls the plug on the waiting.

i have to say, i have covered everything, done everything i can, left no stone unturned, but still feel i have it in me to wait and fight for my marriage. so im still here, never thought i would be.

[needinghope]

dmk127,

My heart is breaking for you. I'm sorry you are going through this at time that you and your husband should be celebrating together. I have a lot to gain from your strength. Thank you for your insight.

[needinghope]

Is anyone else having a really hard time on this holiday weekend? I miss my husband immensely. Everything is reminding me of him!!

[needinghope]

This weekend has been really hard. I haven't been the best DBer this weekend. I miss my husband and I want him to get over this. I hate seeing couples together. I'm so jealous! How do you guys get past this?

[mnt_dreams]

I don't know that you get beyond the jealousy and sadness... at least for awhile. But if you can re-focus your energy on something you can control, you'll distract yourself and start feeling more confidence and security. Try doing something for yourself today that's just for you! Set a goal and go do it! I really think it helps.

[M25]

This is my first July 4th weekend at the lake without the H. Just me and my youngest son. I had a weepy day yesterday myself.

I pray about it and think of what I do have to be thankful for which is a lot. Do something special just for yourself.

I'm just trying to focus on learning from this and becoming the best person I can be. That's the hardest part in all of this is there's no clear timetable. Wouldn't we all want to know that! I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. There are good days when you feel really strong and there will be sad days when you struggle to keep hope.

Keep those that love you close and don't be afraid to lean on your friends!

Hang in there! I will say a prayer for you today!