Finally trying to move on without H

[beepee]

needinghope:
omg, you have NOOOOOO idea how good it feels that i found someone who is in a similar sitch as me!!! i was thinking all along that i was the only crazy girl with depression that forced her H to leave

i was suicidal when my H walked out on me and i ended up being admitted for a week the day after he left. they assigned me IC and medication. i went in to see the IC a few days ago and it turns out that shes not my IC, shes just getting a feel for my story and is putting in a request for a therapist that would be able to work with my case. so i actually havent had any C yet. she also DOUBLED my AD dosage because after a test, i was proven to have extreme depression. ive only been taking the meds for 2.5 weeks so it doesnt work yet so im hoping it will soon, i think it takes about a month to kick in. patience, patience.

unfortunately needinghope, i havent found the light at the end of the tunnel yet and its been 3 weeks of nonstop crying, stomach pains, anxiety, panic attacks, and nightmares. so i am giving myself another week to try and stop the crying and finally try and work myself.

i totally understand what youre saying about giving your H complete control over my happiness, and it was far too much for him to take. he kept saying, i can't be the only one, the only thing that makes you happy, there has to be more, and he said that he couldnt be the only one that i talk to about my problems when im sad, he just couldnt take the pressure. and i understand completely, i didnt when i was with him, but i was able to read so much and talk to a few people to understand how my behavior truly affected his ability to be with me and to cope.

i know he needs his space but im finding it really difficult. yesterday, he wrote me an email saying he couldnt meet me to go see a movie and talk afterwards and said that he doesnt know when he will see me. (i havent seen or spoken to him for 3 weeks.. the only contact is thru email). i have to admit i got angry and i was so dissapointed. i was being really good, i didnt contact him, i didnt ask him about us, i didnt mention the R or the D and he noticed the changes and mentioned that to me and said that he felt relief and comfort from my tone in emails i send him (in response to his) and i couldnt understand why he couldnt see me to go to a movie, i even told him that i didnt want to talk about anything, only if he did. and he said he would see me cause he wanted to and all he wanted to do was hold me and be with cause he loves me and i know he does. so i got really frustrated and i sent him an email that i felt was good for me to be able to move on. in the email, i wrote that i couldnt go on anymore like this, that i cant keep getting ILY emails because they are too painful and i cant have the lingering thought in my head of when i was going to see him or speak to him. my heart is too fragile right now to be able to handle the unknown in that regard. so i asked him to end this with me by emailing me back and telling me that he wasnt in love with me anymore and then id be able to break free from him and he wouldnt hear from me again (unless he emailed me back with a question or something). and i really promise myself that, i wont contact him again.

i dont know if its the right thing to do, i know some people dont think it was and think my need for closure is just another reason to contact him and ill find other reasons to contact him and i know others believe its a huge step in detaching from him. i really dont know at this point. all i know is that whether or not he contacts me with a response, i will not contact him back. ill give myself that one last week to mourn my loss, to cry and vent, too lie in bed and daydream about him, and then i will get out, get up and GAL. that is a promise that i am making to myself and its written down for all of you to hold against me if i dont live up to it!!!

thanks so much for all your help needinghop and i hope you come back and post often, its really nice to know someone that understand exactly how i feel and is in a similar sitch as mine!!