Just so you know...

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

Well, I "mowed" the lawn for the first time in my entire life today! I actually took a weed eater and used it to mow down all the wild grasses in my yard. It was a lot of work! This lawn crap is not all its cracked up to be!

Sorry blue, I had to laugh at this! I have a huge yard and an grateful that DH mows it when he comes to see the kids each week. However, I do enjoy mowing the yard and spending the time outside puttering--just wish I had more time to do it.

H and I are communicating a lot less now. Im a little concerned, but I am really trying to stay positive about it, after all he is on vacation with his mom right now. But I dont know if his mom knows that we are trying to reconcile, and Im more than a little nervous about how she will react.

Do not be fearful. His mom's reaction is hers alone. Do not try to own the feelings of others. In the grand scheme of things, your H's decision is his own.

Im also really dealing with some anger right now. I am 27 years old, there is a biological clock and it is ticking my friends! I want to have a family. I dont want to be 55 when my kids are grown, I wanted to be young and energetic while my kids were growing and after, when I would get to share a well lived life with my partner.

Blue, I did not even get married until I was 26. My youngest child was born when I was 36. I have more energy now than I did when I was 26. My children keep me young, even as they try my patience and turn my hair grey! Be glad to not to have children pulled through this journey with you right now. The pain in my little ones' eyes is so hard to bear, as I know that there is nothing I can do to alleviate it.

I am so angry at him for taking that chance from me. I am angry at him for making me go through all I have alone and for what he has done to me and my ability to trust, almost the innocence that he took. He ruined everything.

Feel your anger and let it go. Do not dwell on it or it will consume you with bitterness. Your life is only as ruined as you allow it to be.

Hopefully I am just having a moment! I really think that if he were to come home right now, I couldnt keep my mouth shut about these things. And Im not sure that I should!

And perhaps, that is part of why God has not brought him home yet. You have to get to a place of acceptance, where you do not allow his actions to control your thoughts and deeds. It is as simple and complicated as that. What good would it do for God to bring him home and for you to be unable to control your temper, sending him right back out the door? Focus, blue, focus. Focus on you, your growth, your acceptance, your detachment. You are your biggest concern right now.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW