Thanks Karen. Planning this whole thing is so surreal. Ive just been a wreck the last few days. I feel emotionally exhausted, I keep questioning myself, but I know that this is the right thing to do. She will seem to be doing better, but I know that its just because shes having a good day, and tomorrow could be even worse. Im so glad that my parents live close by, they are such a great support for me right now.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
I have a trip to anchorage planned for next week. Im going to assist with necropsies on the sea otters that I have been picking up. I sprung for the hotel room this time, I usually couch surf while Im up there, but this is going to be a hard, stinky 8 hours, so I want to be able to rest and get a nice hot shower at the end of the day.
Im actually really excited about the shower, my hot water heater is on the fritz, so I have to take short showers to still have hot water. So, Im gonna take the longest, hottest shower I can stand!
While Im up there Im going to visit with the bird club. Im thinking about getting a parrot. Ive had small birds when I was a kid, but never a big one. I guess Im interested in something that will live for a long time! I just noticed that my dog only has a few of her pills left. I guess that means that the time is really coming. phew...
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Ok, so great news... The vet wants to try some chinese herbal medicine for my dog. We are giving her 2 more weeks, Im trying to not put all of my eggs in one basket with this, but how can I not?! I know that I need to be realistic, but its nice to be hopeful for a change.
Now if only H were home... While all of this was going on all I could think about was how much I wanted to go back in time and start 2008 over again. How I just wanted my life back. Im still leaving for anchorage tomorrow, Im making plans to spend time with some friends I have who live up there, and Im gonna do some high powered shopping too, I really need a new microwave, and beleive it or not, in the town I live in there is no where to find a reasonably priced microwave, and nowhere to buy womens socks or underwear.
Im glad that I get to make this trip with a more positive outlook.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
that is great news about your dog, hope she is ok.
i know what u mean about starting the year over, going back in time. wish it was possible.
what is this about not being able to buy socks or underwear? or a microwave? how far do u have to drive to get these things?
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
The town where I usually go to buy most things is about an hour away. Where I live there are a few grocery stores and some other stores, but no place to get other stuff. Theres a Boutique where you can buy $25 a pair SmartWool socks and fancy patagonia underwear and things like that, but for regular socks and undies you have to go out of town. Same for shoes, the store I mentioned before sells fancy ones, but for a pair of nikes you have to go to the next town. Nail polish is another thing thats kind of hard to come by.
Thats why its so nice to visit the city occassionally. But really, I dont mind living where I do at all. Its peaceful and beautiful.
Last edited by bluerain; 07/01/0902:25 AM.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
I just got back from a sperm whale necropsy. I had one day without guts, but I really didnt mind doing this. I think that because I had just finished doing all the sea otter necropsies I was still in that mode. The vet who did it brought 2 interns who didnt have a clue what they were doing! I worked really hard and hope that I impressed the doctor.
It was a little sad. It was no more than 4 weeks old, only little bumps where the teeth would have been. A little female who was so sick. She had evidence of illness in almost every organ. Its funny, while I was doing it I didnt even think about it, but now its really sad! We dont often get access to animals like this, so it was pretty special to be able to get all these samples from such a young animal. Its a good thing that I dont get all emotional over my dead sea otters!
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
It was sad. Poor little girl. But we got some really great info from it that hopefully will help us learn about them.
I have an extra day off this week because of the holiday, I will try to get some of the outside yard work done and things like that. Its a beautiful day, hopefully it stays that way!
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Well, I "mowed" the lawn for the first time in my entire life today! I actually took a weed eater and used it to mow down all the wild grasses in my yard. It was a lot of work! This lawn crap is not all its cracked up to be!
H and I are communicating a lot less now. Im a little concerned, but I am really trying to stay positive about it, after all he is on vacation with his mom right now. But I dont know if his mom knows that we are trying to reconcile, and Im more than a little nervous about how she will react.
Im also really dealing with some anger right now. I am 27 years old, there is a biological clock and it is ticking my friends! I want to have a family. I dont want to be 55 when my kids are grown, I wanted to be young and energetic while my kids were growing and after, when I would get to share a well lived life with my partner. I am so angry at him for taking that chance from me. I am angry at him for making me go through all I have alone and for what he has done to me and my ability to trust, almost the innocence that he took. He ruined everything.
Hopefully I am just having a moment! I really think that if he were to come home right now, I couldnt keep my mouth shut about these things. And Im not sure that I should!
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Well, I "mowed" the lawn for the first time in my entire life today! I actually took a weed eater and used it to mow down all the wild grasses in my yard. It was a lot of work! This lawn crap is not all its cracked up to be!
Sorry blue, I had to laugh at this! I have a huge yard and an grateful that DH mows it when he comes to see the kids each week. However, I do enjoy mowing the yard and spending the time outside puttering--just wish I had more time to do it.
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H and I are communicating a lot less now. Im a little concerned, but I am really trying to stay positive about it, after all he is on vacation with his mom right now. But I dont know if his mom knows that we are trying to reconcile, and Im more than a little nervous about how she will react.
Do not be fearful. His mom's reaction is hers alone. Do not try to own the feelings of others. In the grand scheme of things, your H's decision is his own.
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Im also really dealing with some anger right now. I am 27 years old, there is a biological clock and it is ticking my friends! I want to have a family. I dont want to be 55 when my kids are grown, I wanted to be young and energetic while my kids were growing and after, when I would get to share a well lived life with my partner.
Blue, I did not even get married until I was 26. My youngest child was born when I was 36. I have more energy now than I did when I was 26. My children keep me young, even as they try my patience and turn my hair grey! Be glad to not to have children pulled through this journey with you right now. The pain in my little ones' eyes is so hard to bear, as I know that there is nothing I can do to alleviate it.
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I am so angry at him for taking that chance from me. I am angry at him for making me go through all I have alone and for what he has done to me and my ability to trust, almost the innocence that he took. He ruined everything.
Feel your anger and let it go. Do not dwell on it or it will consume you with bitterness. Your life is only as ruined as you allow it to be.
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Hopefully I am just having a moment! I really think that if he were to come home right now, I couldnt keep my mouth shut about these things. And Im not sure that I should!
And perhaps, that is part of why God has not brought him home yet. You have to get to a place of acceptance, where you do not allow his actions to control your thoughts and deeds. It is as simple and complicated as that. What good would it do for God to bring him home and for you to be unable to control your temper, sending him right back out the door? Focus, blue, focus. Focus on you, your growth, your acceptance, your detachment. You are your biggest concern right now.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
