Well, maybe I can come at this from the other side also and share with you some of the feelings I felt at having to care for my h. He was so ill in our first year of marriage.
I felt like I was a care-giver and the romance had gone. I wanted to feel special for a while, I was flattered by others attention and resentful that I felt I didn't get it from my h - they were my feelings and not true! Everyone asked how my h was, no one asked about me. Most of all, I was confused that after spending so much time loving and caring for my h (and still did) that I could behave in such a selfish manner; I was shocked at myself and felt confusion and guilt.
I did the same as you and told him I couldn't live this way. He began switching off from that point. For me too ow is still there but I have no idea what is going on with them. It is hard not to see them as a barrier but you can only control you and not their relationship. It seems like a huge wall to conquer but look how far you have come by adopting your new strategy. Assess what is working. It is going to be slow but the more positive interactions you have the more progress you will make. Not being able to walk away is a constant struggle and I can't decide for myself whether it is a good or a bad thing! Sometimes I wish I could - it'd be so much easier!
Now you have given a bit of background over your illness. My advice would be that when you talk about it with him is to not have your own agenda. Neutrally present the fact that you are going to be in hospital for a while and it will take approx (however much time before you are up and about again). See what he comes up with and see if you can work together to find a solution. Remember that for now you are dealing with practicalities not emotions. Guys in the place where are h's are, are much more able to deal with practicalities rather than emotions. If you do need to prompt him, then used 'would you' instead of 'could you'.
With regards to throwing in an ultimatum, for me I think the time will come when it may happen. My DB coach said 'wait till you will be heard'.
Sending you my very best wishes for your hospital visit. (((Cas)))
