Journalling.........I signed the divorce papers today. Its been a hard day. At the end of the day, I have stayed true to myself. He wants this "formal" break. He wants 6 months away. He wants to try again by next April.
What do I want? I want this crazyness to be over. I want to not ever put myself in a position where I trust anyone to this extent - ever again. My mistake this time. I will not do this again. I want to rely on myself and my R can adjunct who I am and where I am going. I decided to just let him go. I have already done this somewhat. And I am tired of this hovering over my head. Every day, I know its just one day closer to D day. I just don't want to feel that feeling anymore. What am I waiting for? H is NOT changing his mind. He already admitted he is realizing he may be having a MLC. Well ok...........go, have your MLC. Hopefully, I will still be around when you figure it out and want to come back.
He hasn't been with me for so long...that I can't even remember my day to day life with him. I don't know if its the "right" decision, but knowing him and his impulsiveness added to his stubborn-ness, I know its the right decision if we are ever to have a chance. I just wish I could turn off the water works today.
I know its just a paper. I know it but somehow it is just so much more today. I know I will be ok - with or without him. I just feel a real sense of loss again. I am so tired of that feeling.....it just keeps coming back. These days need to end. This is one way to just be done with it.
For me, I no longer want the word M to be an excuse for him. If he chooses to not come back or if by then I will have lost my patience, its a consequence I will just have to accept.
