It's MY life now!!!........

[25yearsmlc]

sweet!
j-

[dl443322]

SC, I am so happy to hear you sounding so much better!

Sorry about what happened with your son. He needs to figure out where he wants his life to go.

Good for you on the dancing and all. Boy, you are really starting to GAL!

[Silent Chrleader]

Thanks, [[[[[[Annabelle, 25 and BM]]]]]]!!

It's been a lllloooooonnnnngggggg road, but I am feeling pretty good. Finally approaching "happy" even.

It's funny to think of H up at the dream property with GF's family. He told me that he wanted S18 to go up there to "be part of his new family" as S18 had described it to me, but so that he could show S18 that in that his relationship with GF had no bearing on his relationship with S18, and that S18 was still H's "primary concern". I told H that I understood that, and that I knew that the distance in his and S18's relationship hurt them both very much, and that I would do all in my power to support and encourage S18 in doing his part to bridge that gap.

H admitted that he had "caged some information" (i.e. didn't tell me that GF & family was going up to dream property with him this weekend) from me in an effort to "avoid undue stress". I told him that by that I didn't know if he meant undue stress for him or me but that I would really rather hear the truth and that there was no reason to tell me anything other than the truth because I really wished him no harm and only wanted him to be happy. I also told H that I really felt that his "cagey" behavior did nothing but send the message to S18 that it was OK to be dishonest..... thus S18's recent behavior. H actually seemed to understand and agree to this point.

I am coming to see that nothing can ever take away the long history H and I have together. I know him much better than perhaps anyone does...... maybe even himself. I have truly loved him unconditionally, and will always be there for him (and he says he will be there for me too....... to work on the house...... fix cars..... I can use the dream property any time.......). He sat and talked with me on the phone last night for about a half hour, and I am pretty sure that GF was there.

I'm wondering if perhaps I may turn out to be a tough act to follow!...... poor woman!

[Silent Chrleader]

.......He told me that he wanted S18 to go up there to "be part of his new family" as S18 had described it to me......

Correction: The word "NOT" should be between the "there" and the "to" in this post. H said that they were NOT his new family at all, and that was part of why H wanted S18 to go with him this weekend.....so H could show him that S18 was still his number one priority, and that any other relationship he has takes back seat to that.

However, S18 told me that he didn't want to go up there and have H lecture him in front of all these people that think H is "such a great guy" because they don't know the truth about him..... These feelings are of course understandable, but I think there is also a good sized dose of "don't want to help do the work" mixed in there too, and S18 was trying to enlist my support of his decision to "stand up" his Dad yet again.

S18 said he would come over today to talk and do some stuff for me here at the house. We'll see if he shows up......

[dl443322]

T, I think you are great! Please send me whatever it is that finally allowed you to let go because I am not there yet.

Try not to get in the middle of your h and your son's relationship. They are both adults and really need to hash it out for themselves. It really is best that way, I think.

Well, I hope you continue on your journey with only good things along the way, my friend.

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, ((((((BM))))))

....Please send me whatever it is that finally allowed you to let go because I am not there yet.

I just put this post over on Treese's thread which basically says it all (I pared off a little as repetative stuff already on this thread)......

.....something else I have notice recently in my own sitch that surprises me. When I really finally let go.......I mean really let go..... which for me meant several things.......

1) Letting him have "the dream house" with my full blessing.....we had been building it for our retirement on 40 acres of view property during the last 3 years of our marriage, and he had promised me that if we D he would sell it, and that he wouldn't take any other women up there......he reneged on both promises..... You see my H had always wanted property but thought we couldn't afford it, and I was always trying to buy his approval. That property was my biggest (and last) example of that. But, I came to the decision to see that property as a gift of love and as such should not have conditions on it. It was excruciating, but the person I want to be is one who gives of love freely....so I let it go.

2) I stopped worrying about whether my actions were "DB" or not. I just started really thinking about what was in my heart and being true to that. Don't get me wrong. "DBing" has helped me immeasurably during the past year and a half of my life when my emotions were spinning and I didn't know what to do. It helped define where I wanted to get to. However, I kept faking it and felt like I was getting no closer to making it, so then I stopped "faking it" and went through a very tough couple of rollercoaster months (my supporters here thought I was a hopeless case because I would seem just grand one day and then have these major backslides!), but then I found that I had suddenly "made it" (at least in some part). I think I just really needed to be true to myself in the face of the knowledge that my H was likely never coming back. "Holding my tongue" in the hopes of "motivating him to come home" was not working for me.....perhaps because I knew in my heart that he wasn't going to......?? Or maybe because I really knew he couldn't be the man I wanted him to be.....??

.......Anyway, when I really let go and let my H know it, I was surprised to find that I actually started seeing more of the H I knew in his behavior. ........Once I stepped back and really took away my part in laying on the guilt and he didn't have to justify himself to me, I have found that he is much more willing to listen to my concerns and caring of me in general. .......

I basically think that we get there when we are ready and not before.....and we each need to really search within and follow our own hearts. DB has been a godsend to me in helping me through the past year and a half of my life when I was emotionally spinning all over the place. DB and all the wonderful friends I made on these boards were an anchor of hope for me in a sea of pain! But, in the end, there are no wrong answers. It is said that DB is not for the marriage it's for US. Well, each of us gets to decide what that means for them. For me it was taking the high road, telling the truth as I saw it, and trying to see and have compassion for the other side, while still understanding my own "boundaries" and standing up for them in the most tactful way I could.

BM, I'm wondering what your H has said to you about the debt. Have you talked to him about it at all? Because, even though you live in a community property state, you can absolve yourself of that through bankruptcy, and still keep your home with getting maintenance from your H!!! (Note: "maintenance" has priority over unsecured debt and even secured debt for that matter in a bankruptcy!!) Your H may not mean for you to shoulder that debt he has run up, and may in fact prove to be co-operative in helping you (and him!) get out from under it in the best possible way for both of you.

I know you are very worried and with good reason, but try to take a breath and get all the information you can and then have a conversation with him before you let it get to you too much more, OK? You have said that you and your H were always "kind" and "supportive" of each other throughout your M. Remember that man is still under there, and think about ways you can enlist that man's help with your concerns....... remember, he likes to think of himself as the "good guy" so appeal to that side of him and "trust" that he's going to "do the right thing" by you. In getting mad at him and just assuming he means to "stick you" with his poor decisions, you put him in a position of being "offended that you would even think he would do something like that to you". Ya' see what I mean? Offends his "omnipotent" sense of self! Be the "damsel in distress" (but NOT a pushover!) and you may be surprised what you get.....

Take care!

((((((hugs))))))

[25yearsmlc]

While I agree with appealing to their "heroic" side...I also must say you have to protect yourself. The two are not incompatible. But if the WAS is really going to be heroic, well, they would be home. So it only goes so far.

Take care of yourself and you'll get some respect from him and he'll probably do the right thing on his own. You don't have to remove that possibility but you need to retain it, make sense? IOW, if he doesn't come thru on his own, you need to be able to force his hand. Take charge of your life b/c no one else will. I hate saying that but it IS important that you accept this.
(( ))
j-

[Silent Chrleader]

.....Take care of yourself and you'll get some respect from him and he'll probably do the right thing on his own. You don't have to remove that possibility but you need to retain it, make sense? IOW, if he doesn't come thru on his own, you need to be able to force his hand. Take charge of your life b/c no one else will. I hate saying that but it IS important that you accept this.
(( ))
j-

No worries, (((25)))! That's why I have a lawyer (insisted on one). I am under no illusions that my H is suddenly such a "great guy". I will do all in my power to protect myself as best I can.

In some ways, it is turning out better for me that we are in bankruptcy too. H's "extra" income will be alotted to me as "maintenance" for the duration of his Chapter 13 (5 years). He told the lawyers he would absolutely rather see me get it than other creditors (my L was very surprised at that attitude.....it's a rare thing in her experience). I will be doing a Ch 13 too as it turns out rather than a Ch 7, but the house I live in will remain in my name (H will have to give up his rights to it in his Ch 13, as I will have to give up my rights to the "dream property). However, my Chapter 13 will only be for 3 years. What this means is that everything will be in writing, and even though it will be a headache to deal with a trustee for 3 years, I will still end up (5 years from now) with my house and only 5-6 years left to pay on it (We did a 15 year mortgage 4 years ago). For that 5 years, H will be making the mortgage payments via "maintenance" as part of his Ch 13. When that 5 years is up, my car and the loan on my retirment account will be done so I will be back to getting full paychecks, so I will have no problem taking over the house payments on my own at that point. Yes, H gets the dream property, which will likely appreciate much better than "my" house, but after the 5 years, he will still owe on the mortage on it for 24 more years. All in all, I have little to complain about.......and not a whole lot to worry about really....... That is a huge load off my mind.

BM, if you're reading this, this is why I keep stressing to talk to both a D lawyer AND a bankruptcy lawyer! You have been married longer than I, don't have a good job like I do, and have a legitimate "handicap" (as does your son)! I really think you have the potential to come out of your sitch much better than you may think.......

[dl443322]

S, I will discuss this further when I call you. But, I have gone to several lawyers and one in particular more than once. Bankruptcy will only solve one part of this, if h is even willing to do it. There is no equity in the house. There are no savings, no investments except his small 401k. Having seen two divorces with my friends, I have seen firsthand how dire my situation is. My lawyer has said as much.

I do work part time. I have been trying to find a full time job. Paying for the lawyer is even an issue. We are in sad financial shape because of things h has done for many years.

But, it is what it is. Nothing I could do to change it.

Right now, I need to let go completely. If I dont, I will not be able to get through it all.

I am so glad that you will be ok financially. THat is the least you deserve.

THank you for worrying about me. You are a good friend.

[Silent Chrleader]

(((((BM)))))

Yes, we'll talk more on the phone, mi amiga! I am no lawyer, and I don't know all the ins and outs of your sitch, so I really can't/shouldn't "judge". But, it just makes absolutely NO sense to me that you would be in such a position! That's just wrong!!!

If you hadn't realized it already, I have always been a very stubborn "where there's a will, there's a way" type of person, and it's very hard for me to "just accept" things sometimes. It's a control issue, I know. But, I just feel like there's gotta be something being missed in your sitch, because there is no way that it's OK for a woman as terrific as you to be faced with what amounts to financial rape without any way of protecting yourself!! It's just %#$#%&&^%$#&*(** WRONG!!!!