He cared for me compassionately throughout a long illness and then it was as if he awoke one day and thought, "I'm done with caring for her. It's now about me!"
Hummm, man, this hits close to home. My D was diagnosed with a disease when she was a teenager. She's had rough times with R's b/c of the stress it seems to take on the man. It's not fair to her... b/c she can't help having the disease! Never-the-less, I can see it happening each time she's been involved with a man. Heck, I even experienced it myself!
As Joan Rivers would say....."Can we talk, here?"
I'm just refering to my own personal experience b/c I don't know enough about yours and if it seems to stomp a toe.....it will be accidently.
So.....naturally, I love my D with all my body & soul. But, every time we have tried to live together (since she before she was M the "first" time), it nearly drives me insane. The stress I experienced when she was a teenager and attending high school, all returns as if she never left home. I have my own ideas of "why" I get so stressed but no point in getting into all of that. But here's the kicker. Along with the stress would come a mountain of guilt. Yes, I would feel so guilty for feeling the way I did and the fact that I did not handle things the way I thought "a good mother" should. B/c there were times that I thought that I could not deal another day with the situation and I would want to run away and escape. After she was out on her own and M, etc., there were days that I just could not make myself call to check on her. I would beat myself up like crazy. I looked at it as I'm a bad mother....and b/c my D doesn't have the pleasure of escaping her disease, like I wanted to escape!! So, there you have it rather in a nut shell but those are personal feelings I had to live with for a long, long time. Stress of a handicapp or an disease is something that "some" folks don't seem to be able to handle. A long illness is very stressful and I've been in that type of situation also. It is rough on all the people involved....the ill person and the caretakers.
Now, back to your stitch. I don't know if your illness back then has to do with the surgery you are going to have now.....but it rang a bell when you said what you did about your H helping you when you were sick. "If" this was a daily...shall I say--"ordeal" for both of you....then I sure don't have to tell you how that takes a toll on a M couple. Do you think that he reached a place that he could not handle it and allowed stress to get to him too much? Do you think his A with OW happened when he was trying to "escape" his own reality? (Don't know that I am saying that very well.) You know, like some people may go to a bar and get drunk, others get involved in an A.
Perhaps, none of this has a connection at all......I am feeling my way around here.
Quote:
He became cold, distant, selfish and irrational
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You said that you kept treating him the same....but you see...."YOU" were not his problem. "HE" was his problem. This description of him is common of the WAS. Whether there were physical problems involved or not, he apparently felt very guilty over his inability to be the man he needed to be and of course....guilty over his A. Many peple act like he did when they are in a MR and feel guilty/ashamed about something. They are actually trying to cover up their shame.
The things he said to you were what we call "script" for a WAS.
It was probably tough to be M to a great gal and know he scr@wed up. Most of us who are WAS will someway try to find fault with our LBS so we don't have to bear all the guilt ourselves. He may have succeeded in doing that, but I hope you did not allow it to change who you are. If you were a great person before the S, then you need to remain a great person and not become bitter or resentful. Now, that would be a remarkable thing, considering he has OW....huh? Well, you don't "sound" bitter to me......you just sound like a woman who loves her H and wants him to come back home. You sound anxious to want to do all the right things. I, for one, am here praying that you will get over your surgery quickly and that the R will get back on track ASAP.
Okay, well, once again I hope I did not speak out of place. I wanted to share that with you to let you know that I've been down a similar road where health issues and family problems are concerned.
Be sure to let us know how he reacts to your talk to him about him helping out with the kids while you are in the hospital. BTW, aren't you going to need him for a while, after you go home?
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
