Sandi and JCJ, back again. H and I were married for 20 years and had anyone asked I would have said he was a loving, sensitive, generous and intelligent family man.

He cared for me compassionately throughout a long illness and then it was as if he awoke one day and thought, "I'm done with caring for her. It's now about me!"

He became cold, distant, selfish and irrational. I kept treating him the way I always had but I was becoming increasingly hurt by his actions and his explosive temper tantrums. Then there was my unflattering begging and pursuing.

Very naievely, I realise now, I sat with him and told him I could no longer live this way, hoping he would agree to work together on the issues. He told me all the usual stuff; It's not you, it's me; we've never been happy; I should never have married; we have nothing in common anymore. Instead of effecting the reunion I hoped he left. I had given him exactly what he wanted!

He was difficult to deal with but the real issues came to the fore when the A was revealed. He stopped seeing the children, both his and my family and our friends.

Phase 1: He blamed, I blamed

Phase 2: He blamed, I defend myself

Phase 3: He blamed, I listen

I read and read and read and I talked and talked and talked to a few close friends. I had three sessions with a DB coach.I analysed my behaviour and his. I have loads of potential as a warm, caring and sensitive wife!!

I loved LL and it all made sense to me. I stopped solving his problems and instead affirmed his problem solving. I recognised the AoS he did for me. I thanked.

I became better at setting boundaries and shutting up. Still working on keeping my mouth closed. Hard for me to comprehend that less is more!

The loving and sensitive man I married is re-emerging but I can't get too far ahead. OW is still there. He likes his own company...could be the tendency to him to try to have it all.....family, OW and solo time.

So I'm here to gather a further perspective and to get people to help keep me in check. I can't give my life to H and I am tempted to throw in an ultimatum and just get on with it. However, like you Julia, I just can't walk away.

C

PS Hadn't thought about the laptop Sandi. Hopefully I could get my children to bring it in for me to check in.