lol she's not dumb, just immature. THERE I SAID IT. she is immature. i have nothing bad to say about her intelligence, actually that is something that attracted me to her very early when we were just dating. it's hard to find girls i can actually carry a conversation with, and yes the same goes for many guys around here to. i should move.
i know i probably screwed up talking to her, but at this point it's kinda whatever
I was a tiny bit concerned that she was going to drag you down to where she was trying her darnest to get you....but sweetie, you held you own with her and that made the call worth every minute!! I think you need more than a gold star, so how about a great big hug? (((( YEAH JOSH!!)))
Now that is not my usual style, so be complimented!
I have hopes that you will move forward in a better pace, but let me warn you that she "is" jealous that you are handling this S as well as you "appear" to her. As long as she could yank your chain around, she was in control. Now, she doesn't feel she has power over you b/c you've taken it away from her! She isn't through and I think she'll pull several "stunts" before she gives up (or grows up....whichever is first). I believe you gained a lot of ground through the way you handled that phone call and you should be proud.
For the next several days, you may need to make sure you are not available for any calls and stay really busy. That won't stop the emails or TM's, but you don't have to answer the emails (BTW, I love how you did the dog..lol)and you can postphone the TM responses and then make them one word answers.
I look for her to try to set up a face to face meeting with you....and do her little "act" with you. If you don't agree to meet her, then she will just "show up" at your door some night. She knows what buttons to push to get you to eat out of her hand (or so she thinks). If she can't make you feel one way about her....then she'll try another. If that doesn't work, then she will go for the kill. You know, play on your sexual needs--when all else fails. If you succumb to her sexual advances, she'll feel like she has taken back the control in the stitch. So....you better be mighty strong there. Expect anything and everything from her.
I hope I'm wrong about her, but I think she'll do about anything to get your attention when she discovers you are "moving forward" and that you aren't acting interested in her. It may become very funny to observe. Be prepared for "everything" her mind can imagine.
Stay in touch. This should be interesting!
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
i actually sat down the other day and wrote out a list of what i want in a R. i don't care who it's with next go around, i just know what i can and can't do. i know what DOESN'T WORK for me. i was going to ask how i would know if she actually had some "awakening" in the future and how i would know, but the more i think about it, i think i already do. she's no where even CLOSE to that point, but i understand what you're talking about "pulling out all the stops" that she might try. the sex thing won't be a problem, i already knew that was a form of control. i control me. i can't control others, and nobody is going to control me anymore. i will make it.
Well, my suggestion is that if you ever do have a R with a different person....that you do not get into any hurry to M. Also, be very particular about their character. When people are young, they tend to look at all the obvious things...like good looks, personality, education, talent, money, family background....you know, that sort of stuff. But, most of that can be lost or when you get older you may realize that some of it isn't that important after all. But the "character" of a person....now that is what I find is the most important trait of all. When a couple gets older and the looks (and other things) are gone....it sure is nice to know your S is a person with great character! It takes time to build good, strong, decent character and it doesn't happen (I don't think) by accident. I have seen a few people who I wondered how they turned out as well as they did (knowing the famil/background) but perhaps that is something that has to come from deep within one's soul. I have also seen it the opposite direction. I've seen great people have the sorriest kids I've ever seen! Parents would give everything in their power to help their kids in life and those kids grow up and they are just older sorry-a$$ adults! So, I'm not real sure where character comes from....if it is inherited from some gene we are born with....or if it is "taught" to us.....or if it has to be "caugt" by us. Hummmm.
Well, just yacking here this evening. Thinking about what you said and hoping you will be careful in whoever you chose to spend the rest of your life with.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
just got off the phone with the W. she texted and asked me to call her later. i said she could call now i just got home.
she started off by asking how come i've been ignoring her, blah blah, blah. i said i really haven't, i've just been busy because it's been so nice outside and stuff. she asked how i got over her so quickly, lol and i said," you know what, i've done some thinking about our past R and realized i was never a bad guy in the M. i didn't always say and do the right things 100% of the time, but i did always mean well. i know it wasn't my fault that it didn't work out, and know it doesn't make me a bad person."
she agreed and said i was never a bad person, and then went on about how much she f'n misses me
. . . and THAT, Senor JR, is how DBing works.
The key, however, is to KEEP ON DOING what has gotten you around Lap 1. Because there are many, many more laps, and the biggest mistake most people make when they get to this place (which you've gotten to very quickly, btw), is they then forget what it was they did to get them here, and they go all "melty man" and "needy/grabby" and the whole thing melts back down.
nothing new to report today besides bombing out on doing anything relatively productive today. lounged around the house most of the day.
i did work on one website today for maybe an hour. did most of the laundry and dishes. i need to go put clothes away sometime soon tho. didn't get out on the boat like i wanted to, but oh well. i did make it to the grocery store and managed to spend $60 on 3 small bags of stuff (wtf!?)
didn't hear from the W today. and i didn't expect any less
Wow.. I enjoy coming by this thread. You are doing really well and it is quite inspirational to read. Hopefully I am dbing half as well as you because I figure at some point it will get noticeable results. Keep it up!
You are getting good advice and it's nice to see someone listen and give DBing a fair shake before freaking out or panicking. As Pup says though, just b/c you make progress-don't let up on what works. It's so easy to reconcile TOO early and then the 2nd round of crisis comes and there is no energy to DB and it ALL ends...whereas if the couple had taken things more slowly and checked their hearts out more and really owned their issues, it might have succeeded. There is such a thing as rushing it.
My only note is that your w sounds terribly confused and as you say, very immature. I too married young. But she's acting on what we all felt, which is that we missed out on something by marrying young. You don't have those doubts as you are 10 years older than she is. But is she getting some c? I sure hope so.
BTW, I have two family members who div only to remarry their exes later on. As in, 5 years later. The 2nd time around was indeed better. I say this b/c I see your w as really needing some "growth" time and I don't know if you should hang around waiting BUT I also am with Sandi on the dating thing...
It seems dishonest and gamey. And if you do date, you better be careful with another woman's heart. It's also a risk, like anything. But if you are doing something that gets results, which you ARE (her telling you she misses you IS progress) then keep that up. You can't argue that nothing is working.
It is working. Now you have to decide how YOU feel.... j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
