Yes, H and I are both doing 180's which helps us a lot.
I was talking about something else thought - more like - deja vu reactions. Our M was filled with many pretty turbulent, chaotic episodes and I relive them every once in awhile.
Last weekend in particular, I went out for the day with some friends instead of spending the day with H. In the past, H would say it was ok and then either cause a scene the night before or I would get called all day, and then I would come home to a lot of drunkeness, arguing etc. Instead, H was fine the whole time. I checked my phone through the day though because I kept expecting him to call or leave a nasty message -but no messages. When I got home he had picked up dinner for us. Again, the usual was he would monopolize the convo, but this time he purposely encouraged me to talk about my day first.
My reaction was to assume that he was mad - not being nice. In the past H would be quiet only when angry. H did keep asking me if I was ok until I explained that I was worried about him. We talked about the past reactivity and he reassured me that things had changed. And it really did.
There were two more incidents that week and we talked through them all. I am being able to relax more on these occasions now. This is a very tough thing to go through. But I do understand that H had a serious problem, he couldn't control it and he is working through many things with himself and me.
Thats great! I cant wait till I can come home to my H again.
I dated a guy like that very early in my separation. I started to avoid invitations to spend time with my friends because it wasnt worth the fight that it would cause. It started to change me, and I hated that. Needless to say, I lost interest in that guy pretty quickly! I actually took that as a sign that I shouldnt be dating!
Has your H stopped drinking? How has that affected you? I wish that my H would drink less, but I dont want to have to limit my drinking, so it wouldnt be fair to ask him to. I will only drink a beer or 2 once in a while, but he "gets a buzz on", as he says, everynight.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
H has stopped for five months now. He had been trying to stop since we met. We separated twice over it b/c of how awful his behavior was. This time he has done much more to support the change of behavior with IC and AA meetings, and church ( he was baptized and confirmed in the spring).
The impact of his sobriety has been great! We don't fight anymore over anything - we talked through things, resolve disagreements, or compromise - none of which happened before. We have fun now, we do things we can actually enjoy, we have more active life and do more things that we both like to do. He was too rigid before and isolated and sometimes assumed the worst about others and situations. Now he enjoys life, enjoys people, is happy and appreciative.
If your H's drinking bothers you I would bring it up and consider it something to look at. I didn't notice the problem for a long time and in the mean time realized that it was the source of our difficulties. I don't know what to say about your own thoughts on drinking, but to me, getting a buzz on everynight is NOT normal. Drinking affects a person's mind to the point where they make poor choices and decisions in all areas of their life. Perhaps this is why he had an A.
Just when I start to relax, H starts an argument and cuts off communication, and cancels plans for the next day.
I guess when we both get to the point of relaxing in the R, we feel empowered to bring up certain things- having a sense of safety. Problem is, we get stuck going down cheeseless tunnels. So I know we have to work on communication.
It doesn't feel right that we can be so good together and then things like this show up.
So, you see the cheeseless tunnel yet it still keeps happening. Maybe its time for some MC to help work thru this?
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Well it may be worse than expected. H has done a reversal and doesn't want to move in with me now. Just like old behavior. I am thinking through my options, altho I may want to postpone any decisions until I get the kids settled next month. H isn't drinking but he sounds much like he did when he was d. I don't like what I am hearing - figures, just when I thought things were going well...
Just tonight I was skimming through the A board and they were talking about behaviors even when the A gets sober. Most people think they are supposed to magically be changed. Doesn't happen that way.
Not sure what to say. Like I said above, maybe some MC with someone who has some background in A?
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
