Wow -- take 48 hours off and -- BOOM! -- someone locked me out of my own mojo!
We were talking about the vows, and nekkid sports, and sexless marriages, and the like.
@Coach said he wasn't saintly but was trying. Aww, @Coach -- even I remember enough from the Jesuit fathers to know that that's the very definition of saintly! And good on ya! You're an inspiration to so many for so many reasons.
@antlers said that the Marriage (with a capital M) and the Vows (with a capital V) should be taken seriously if they were meant seriously before God, and I think that's a fine position to take.
It doesn't happen to be my position -- and I'm desperately trying to avoid the almost inevitable joke about missionaries there....must....not....snark.... (even though @Coach made joke about booby traps.....) -- but I am in 100% agreement with @antlers that, if this is your belief based upon your religious faith then the advice is spot-on.
@aliveandkicking said gender-neutral "it" should be kept in the pants if you're living with your WAS. I'm ambivalent on that point but, in either case, it's not applicable to my sitch.
To me, you do what you have to do to maintain visibility on yourself. It's easy to get lost in DB'ing -- I'm changing, I'm GALing, I'm 180ing, I'm detaching, I'm not status-checking, I AM status-checking, I'm posting, I'm not posting, I'm new GALing, I'm focusing on me, I'm focusing on my kids, I'm worrying about money, I'm not worrying about money, I'm not thinking of WAS, I AM thinking of WAS (because otherwise how can I suss-out where I went wrong), I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm.
But you almost never just "I'm thinking about what I'd like to do today, just for me. Not for DBing's sake, not for kids' sake, not for M's sake, but just because."
And so in that sense, you're lost.
---- Here's where it's at.
My (wife) has moved out. She and I have divided up the expenses and what little money remains after she bought a new house -- bought it, didn't rent it. I'm paying the mortgage, the electric, the water, the trash, etc. She's no longer a co-driver on my car insurance -- the cars are, like nearly everything else, separate. She's using her maiden name. She wears no wedding ring, and neither do I. Next week she's taking a trip to Upstate City. I'm taking a trip with our kids to Big Midwestern City. It's more than symbolic -- she's going her way, alone, I'm going a different way with the children who were (also) left behind.
As it is written in the law of the land, we are holding ourselves out to the world as not-married people.
Can I still DB? Should I still DB?
My point of view is: Sure, why not? I can listen, validate, Roll My Way, live my changes, etc. I can leave the door ajar, the golden bridge half-constructed, and etc. But the ball is firmly in her court. The door will be opened, the bridge completed, if and only if she choose those courses-of-action. As Foreign Female Friend put it with respect to her own WAH, "he's gone until he comes back, if he comes back."
In the meantime, I have to live. And for me part of living -- viz, @antlers: "if it won't make you feel bad later on down the line for breaking your marriage vows" -- is enjoying a healthy sex life. I don't know if it will make me feel bad later on down the line. What I do know is that I feel like a person who is getting a divorce -- not like a person who happens to be in a one-sided marriage. Those are two discrete concepts for me -- maybe not for you, and if so I applaud that.
But for me sex is part of the normal range of normal human behaviors. It's not something "reserved" for marriage. It's what humans are programmed to do. And, in most cases, it's what humans like to do. I know I certainly like to do it, though that has been far more the case in my imagination than in my experience since the war.
And with respect to it being a good idea "later," viz @Gypsy, I have no doubt it will be a good idea later. But it also happens to be the case that it is a good opportunity now, and a bird in the hand, as they say....(must...not...make....joke....about....bush......gaaakargh!)
I'm not looking for validation or approval, but I'm also not looking for disapproval -- if I wanted more of that, I have a WAW I can go to.
Smiley... Hahaha. Ok, nice update! You sound good!
I agree w/antlers, am @ home and in the same bed w/h, not having sex, agree w/ @alive about keeping it in its pants, SO... That leaves...? Oh yea, having sex w/myself. Joy upon joys. At least I don't have to DB myself first!
Talk about Independence Day! F*ck! Ok, 100plus people are starting to arrive. In the rain. Better mix a cocktail!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Gee, I missed that whole discussion. I find it hard to find the threads now that they've changed the system. Anyway, if we're voting, I'm with you. Good for the goose, good for the gander. And you, from what I read, need some practice!
But why, pray tell, (or is it prey tell), is your wife off to Upstate City on her first weekend out of the house, if the good (or bad) Signore is a only a memory at this point?
I feel like I'm going through the same thing. It's a D. The work I was doing was supposed to be just for me but I attached too much hope along the way but shouldn't have. Despite some friendlyness she never really moved off square one ("i don't want to be married anymore")
I don't know what my point is other than maybe I think I misread things once and I can't do it again. OrangeDog needs to get on with being OrangeDog.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
I agree w/antlers, am @ home and in the same bed w/h, not having sex, agree w/ @alive about keeping it in its pants
Right, well I don't disagree with that (you, @alive, @antlers) under those conditions. They don't happen to be the conditions under which I'm situated.
@aliveandkicking:
Quote:
Posted by: mindblank
Quote:
Oh yea, having sex w/myself. Joy upon joys. At least I don't have to DB myself first!
Too funny!
That's not the only advantage, either! You don't have to buy yourself a drink, worry about whether you'll call yourself the next day, and ever wonder if you're just not that into you.
But why...is your wife off to Upstate City ...if the good (or bad) Signore is a only a memory at this point?
Charity walkathon with her girlfriends. It's legit. Was planned pre-Bomb; only reason we didn't plan for her to go to Big Midwestern City was that we learned about BMC event after she'd already committed to the charity.
I was just pointing out that it's more symbolic now, given everything that's happened.
