Agh! He's detached completely!

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Today, boys & girls, the word is: Lonely

Yup, I'm lonely. It's an absoulutely gorgeous day here and I'd love to be spending it with my sweetie. I kind of did for a few minutes we crossed paths as he was trimming the lawn and I was watering the plants, so to a casual observer, they might think that we were working on the yard together, but I assure you we were not. He was ignoring me, as he does, and has done for over 3 months now.

So, since I worked my butt of last night down in the basement, I decided to do something I haven't all year: lay in the sun a bit to get my legs tan and even out the burn on my back by getting the rest of my back some color as opposed to dead white. I wore the bikini my H bought me during our honeymoon, this is the first time I have since then. I did as much subblock as I could reach, and asked him to please do the rest of my back, which he did. Then he must have taken off, because his car is gone.

When I wasn't here, I was thinking about him all the time, but when I'm here, I still think about him but in a way it's worse, because he's right here, ignoring me 24/7.

I heard him say "important news" out loud yesterday, and I thought he was talking to me, but nope, he wasn't, he was on the phone to someone else. It's a woman, because 95% of his friends are. This wouldn't bother me as much before, but it sure does now, because everyone knows more than I do, and I live here. Those flowers he sent? Those were to his co workers wife, who was in the hospital. From what? I don't know.

I want to call my friend and chat with her, but she's always crazy busy on the weekends, becasue that is some of the only uniteruppted time she gets with her hubby, so I really don't want to interupt thier newlywed year that they have started with a bang. I try not to be jealous, but since I was really denied this lovely newlywed year, it's hard not to be somewhat bitter.

There's loads and loads of stuff to do here right now, so I can't really justify going off and doing anything right now. I need to make a list and prioritize what's what because I only have 1 more week "off" before I can start work again, so I need to maximize the time I have left.

Also, the window guy is coming tomorrow, so I have to make sure to get some stuff done so that he has full and complete access available to all the windows. Agh. There is nothing fun about any part of this to do list, really. Wait, I take that back, I can make it more fun by listening to the radio or my ipod, so that's cool & makes the time go faster, and keeps me company somewhat as well as in a dancing, upbeat mood.

I'd love to call my mom to complain, but she'd just beg me to come over there, and all that's there is more work, and I need to get this done here first. Sorry to be so damn negative.

I also need to re-read the DR as well as "Get the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix, Phd, the guy who came up with the idea of Imago Relationship Therapy. That is the workshop I wanted me and my H to go to so desperately. I still don't know if I should put that request to the court or not. I don't know if I even want to go to it with him anymore.

He's being so damn weird with this ignoring, I can't take it. Seriously, he seems really screwed up but at the same time I pity him and love the man I DID fall in love with that's still there somewhere, I am angry at him for failing to see just how messed up he is and doing something about it. Does he think this is NORMAL behavior? Aagh. I need tp get focused on my huge to do list and forget this crap for a bit.

Also, lunch wouldn't hurt, then I could wait and have a good workout to channel this frustration into something postive. I know otherwise I will just pick a fight, and literally, I can't afford that right now because he is still on the fence about going to the mediator as far as I know. At least he hasn't given me a response back yet, which means he could still say yes to it. While it would be faster, which is a plus right now as far as ending the purgatory that I'm in, that is a negative in there is less time for the DR to work.

I made the mistake of reading a Cosmo I got from a friend when I was outside and of course, they had sex tips, so now I'm also feeling super disapointed about that right now, because my H doesn't want anything to do with me and sex, and since I'm still married, my ex bf won't have anything to do with me as far as even talking on the phone, much less anything else. <sigh> life is really not fair. Sorry for the crybaby bs, I know it's old, heck I'm sick of it and I'm the one spouting it right now. Gewk!

I'm off, to save myself and hence save 1/2 of this relationship at least! Got to think of that becasue "everyday is a winding road, I get a little bit closer" (Cheryl crow song), otherwise this all would feel pointless.

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

As I said in another post here, I've decided to give up the idea of trying to keep the house for a couple reasons, but most of all because I'm hoping that concession will allow H to feel comfortable going to mediation. I'm still waiting to hear back from him his response to find out if he will agree to this trade. It's in his best interests as well, so I hope he sees that.

Believe it or not, my H is now segregating his produce so that his fancy, expensive apples are in another dish from mine. I mentioned this to him and he didn't say a thing, but it's so ridiculous and again, makes me feel like crap because he doesn't even want our APPLES to touch for god's sake!! This man is really weird, he's devolving into a neurotic weirdo, I swear to god.

I did really good yesterday and didn't lose it with him. I think becasue I was so worn out after all the work I did around the house as well as a workout. I definatley deserve kudos for this, because it was not easy given my troublemakeing mood as well as the fact I'm waiting for him to tell me what his decision is, and I don't want to mess it up. I also got a heck of a lot of work done around the house, which is great. I'm kind of waiting to do one of the next projects I need to start, seperating my stuff from his and packing mine up. It's too sad to think about right now, so I'm pushing this off for awhile.

One of the best parts about not staying in this house is the fact that the really big stuff like my couch and bed are still in storgage because he had no room for them here, so I wouldn't have to move all that stuff to my folks, just keep it there until I need it down the road.

Another good thing is that since he was so damn controlling, we haven't yet started integrating most of our wedding gifts into our stuff for the most part, and since he said that I can have all the wedding gifts...he never wanted them. So I will have some really nice new stuff for my final destination, wherever that is after I move in with my parents for awhile. <sigh> They're not bad people, it's just that my dad will annoy the heck out of me and they are located far away from a lot of things that are important to me.

What the heck am I supposed to do about all our wedding china? We got 8 placesettings for god's sake and have never used them once. I'll have to check out macy's return policy. I was going to make an tv amourie (sp?) into a china cabinet by replacing the wood front with glass, but it still hasn't happened yet, in part because it is in storage. This isn't my favorite china pattern either, but one we compromised on. I hate being put in this position, let me tell you. It's so sad dismantleing a life together.

I bought a fireproof lockbox for myself to store important information that I don't want him to see. That's a damn sad purchase considering I bought it with one of our wedding gift cards! I also know he's going to go ballastic when he finds out I'm asking for temporary maintenance right now, and probably on lockdown mode as well, so I want to prepare in advance for this.

I swear, I didn't mean for this post to get so down, it's just what I've been dealing with day to day to prepare for this divorce. I am still insisting that he go to the marriage workshop as well as marriage counseling in my response back to him. I know I've waffled on this point, but I need to for my peace of mind. The court can't make him start to talk to me again, but they can make him do these things, so dammit, I will take full advantage of this fact as my last ditch effort to save this marriage or at least buy us some more time. As I'm reading H Hendrix's book (GTLYW -the workshop is based on this work), it seems like this is really good, deep stuff that would help make our relationship not just good, but great, because we'd be dealing with core issues we both have and growing together as people.

This is the kind of prayer I try to make to talk to God, but I don't know if it's working at all. It might be working but I just don't want to accept that I wont' get the reunification I want:

Please God, please make the judge feel compassion for me in this fiercely silent marriage and make him attend the workshop and counseling that I'm asking for. I want him to get better and I want him to get the love from me that he needs. I want to be happy and fully myself in this relationship and I want to give us the luxury of time to work on our problems. I am willing to work hard at this because he's a good man god, and I want good things for him.

I don't want him to be suffering or anxious. Please allow him to get the help he needs by opening his eyes to all the other options out there that might help him. Please make his stubborn walls come down, brick by brick, so he quits hiding in his isolation. I want his trust again Lord, more than anything this hurts that he doesn't trust me when all I've done is do my best to love him.

I know I've made a lot of mistakes in this marriage, but you know I'm willing to work hard to fix them however possible. However, I know I can't do it alone and he doesn't seem like he's even willing to try anymore. Please soften his heart to me so that he wants to try, even a little bit, some more.

You know, all I've ever wanted to do is to love him, I hate that he sees me now as his enemy when all I want is the best for him and for us. Thank you for listening.

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Ugh. Met with yet another atty today. Basically, I am now not expecting a damn dime from any of this. Anything I get will be eaten up by legal fees. And they are saying the fact that I sold my condo for a loss means absolutely nothing "you didn't have to sell it, you could have rented it out", even though my association bylaws AND my mortgage specifically prohibit this, yeah right. <sigh> I'm so, so sick of this divorce legal crap. It sounds like it's going to take forever to get anything done at all, even to get an initial hearing on the matter. I mean months and months of bs are looming ahead, unless, of course, if he agrees to mediation.

Oh, here's more delightful news on that front. Not only does my H want me to even stop trying to get the house to live in, per my concession in hopes of doing mediation instead, but now he ALSO wants me to agree to the following bs : "my assets are my assets, yours are yours, my debts are my debts, yours are yours". He is saying that both his 401k and his house have not appreciated at all, so I would get 1/2 of nothing. That's absoulute crap, beacuse the stock market is much higher than it was when we married. He concluded this by saying that he thinks it is "Very fair"! What an idiot! No way will I agree to this!

No offense to men, but he is completely unclear of the concept here, as it seems all the spouses who have to get a court trial are. They just refuse to acknowledge the rules in this state.

Ok, so the atty was telling me even just to get the motion going so that I can stop him from spending the way he has been spending, I need this first court appearance, but if I do it now, I won't get into court until September or October! And this is just the initial court thing, not final divorce hearing or anything. I can see why they say that it will take at least 12 months from the date of filing to the actual divorce.

[Gardener]

(sigh)

Hang in there, thassall.

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Happy July people.

I for one am not looking forward to seeing any damn fireworks because I hate seeing them alone.

I am queen of the bad attitude right now. I guess I'm still just lonely, but instead of feeling sad, I'm getting angry. All I can say is THANK GOD for aerobic workouts, specifically my elliptical machine. Without it, I would be an absoulute psycho.

Met with yet another divorce attorney yesterday. I still don't want to get divorced, of course, and this led to more crying there, even though she was a direct, straight shooter and knows her stuff, big time. I didn't cry till the end. She even asked if we were still sleeping together, which no one had asked yet. I like her the best of all the attornies that I've seen, and of course, she is the most expensive. I've always had great taste! lol! I have to ask my folks to help me with this, and I feel like such a tool doing so. They just paid for the majority of our wedding for god's sake, now they have to help me with this crap as well as they were going to help me with my business stuff (long story. It's just way too much to ask, and I hate myself for being in this poistion. I hate my H for putting me in this position right now. If he could just wait a bit for us to work on our issues, but no.

My H is off doing something without me.

We have a nice, long weekend ahead of us, and I have one or two fun things going on that are free, thank god, but tons of work I need to do, and nothing really that I am looking forward to. Oh god, if I could turn back time to when we were happily married. I don't want this divorce, but since it's been almost 3 months of him not talking to me, chances are getting slimmer by the moment. This frustration is not making me any more pleasant, in fact I've been acting like an uber b*tch the last few days, despite my efforts to remain somewhat sane in front of him. I'm just so frusterated and sad by the status quo.

I need to be reading my DR book or "Getting the Love You Want" books, but since I've had to spend so much time lately on the legal end of things to respond to the divorce petition, I haven't made myself read those books because I needed the escape of some fiction instead.

I am proud to say that I did finally get my offical reponse out for the divorce. I've been procrastinating on doing it, but finally did do it. Also, and far more importantly, I got my motion filed to ask for a few things: Maintenance (alimony), for him to stop spending money on frivilous things for himself, and finally, my last ditch effort to try to make him have to go to the GTLYW couples workshop as well as to go back to the marriage counseling with our MC. Bad news is that everyone is telling me we won't even get in to see the family court comissioner until September, maybe October, even, for this preliminary hearing. So none of this stuff will start until then, bad news. I could use the $ now desperately.

Here's how I am acting out, and please, if you have experienced this or really wanted to and somehow held yourself back, please tell me!! I am talking on the phone to friends and family and then I am bragging how that I like this attorney that I saw today because she is agressive, etc, saying how that she's really expensive, but I have to defend myself, etc. Then I go into swearing about stuff more than I ever normally would do, about how I told him yesterday that if he gets one more package sent to the house, I'm calling the court because he's in violation of that, etc. Not pretty stuff, basically sounding pscyho and drama queen and so on, I know. I don't want to do this, but yet, I do it. I find I do it much less when I'm not itching for a fight, which for some reason I have been lately.

Truth be told, I'm under an extraordinary amount of stress right now because I'm going back to work and they are making it hellacious to the extreme for me there, long story, but I'm having to fight the established system and it's just chaotic and troublesome and I don't need it right now on top of all this D crap.

I still don't know at what point I give up because I will have to sometime. I was telling a coworker about this situation, and when he heard that we haven't talked in 3 months he said very gently that maybe it's time to give up, and he's completely sincere about it, and has a lot of truth weighing on his side. I'm tired of the conflict. I'm tired of the stress between us. I just want my husband back.

I didn't tell you about the nightmare I had. Summary of it, a 2 and a half hour dream (I was briefly awake then went back to sleep before I had it, so glanced at the clock) was that I was dressed in formal wear, so was my husband (no one I recognised). We were going to a formal dance and he decided to walk there, where I was going to take the shuttle bus. The bus crashed after it went down a steep enbankment and I was stuck in the bus. Somehow I got out of it, and was all banged up, ripped dress, bloody and had an injury to my head. I made it to the dance and everyone assumed I was just drunk or something, although I really had the head injury. I spent the remaining 2 hours of the dream asking every man at the dance "Are you my husband?". In fact, I went to the bar area and touched every man on his shoulder so I could see his face and asked the same question. Over and over, I asked this question, growing more anxious and scared as time went on. Then I woke up. Little surprise that not having the divorce papers in was stressing me out? I don't think so. I usually don't dream so vividly, I can tell that it was a big deal to me.

Take care.

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

* Happy 4th of July! *

I am celebrating my Independence today, truly. I hope you are too.

I have been in a funk the last couple of days and now I think I know some reasons why. First off, I think it's a bit hormonal, but also, I haven't been taking care of my emotional heath in a few important ways...working out, journaling, getting enough sleep, postive self talk and self soothing when I get upset and lastly, reading some postive anti-divorce literature everyday to keep up my strength. Seriously, I think that last bit is just as important to me right now as a multi-vitamin, and I haven't been doing it as I need to.

So I've listed some of the self care things I need to do to take better care of myself in the coming weeks, because I know this is a super stressfull time for me right now, both battling this divorce and the work stress that's going on.

I read a bunch of pages of the DR last night and it really calmed me down before bed. I need to do that more often. In fact, I was having a pretty damn good day today until I found more receipts showing my H's out of control spending. What was especially galling was the huge amount he spent on his ex gf's kids for their birthday. I wonder if she is still his ex right now? Can't go down that cheeseless tunnel right now.

So I had vented, and got myself calmer, when lo and behold, I saw he had left his wedding ring on his desk. I was really really upset and first, then thought, well maybe he didn't take it on the bike ride, and forgot to put it back on. But he loves having a ring on that finger. So, I'm taking it, and I'm putting it in my new safe, and I'm not saying a word about it. Let him be the one asking me where it is or if I have seen it.

I now vow the following:
Every day I will:
* Read at least 1 page in the Divorce Remedy book
* Read or listen to the John Gottman book about marriage or the Harville Hendrix Imago therapy book for either 1 page or 5 mintues, depending on format
* Get a printer/scanner/copier working so I don't need to ever go into my H's office and see these ridculous expense reciepts or whatever I might find (wedding ring off and not being worn).
* Get my shredder working, for the same reason
* Set up a daily and weekly schedule for myself because I now need to have one to properly take care of myself and the stuff I need to get done.
* Go to at least 1 meetup a week
* Workout at least 4x a week
* Throw myself into my worklife, now that I'm back to work
* I will respond to my boss' email Monday
* Come up with a debt repayment schedule
* Balance my checkbook 1x a week and put in the schedule
* I will not do another load of laundry until I fold and put away all the clean laundry sitting out in baskets in my room. Then I will keep this up moving forward.
* I will put up 1 nice piece of art or a print in my office and my bedroom for my enjoyment
* I will make a time 1x a week to change the sheets and stick to that schedule.
* Make my bed every day, just for me, so I have that "tucked in" feeling going to bed every night.
* See if I can still get in to those summer recreation classes by just showing up. This will keep me very busy as well as give me some really fun things to look forward to & more people to meet.
* Just show up for stuff, even if I'm not in the mood
* Try to assume that my H is NOT trying to hurt me when I find huge expenses he's incurred, or see his wedding ring left on his desk. Just think that he's being an idiot temporarily.
* Breathe
* Research more affordable attornies Tuesday, because the one I like is too expensive.
* Try the "take an atty to lunch" option to interview them! It's worth $20 to learn more about their philosophy and get their opinion.
* Find something big and something semi big to look forward to do this summer and the future and start planning
Ideas for this include: road trip to do family tree work, big trip abroad for family tree stuff, trip to see all the waterfalls in the state, etc.
* Work on costume for fair.
* Call the charity to schedule donation pickup
* Plan a camping trip

[goingtofixME]

Very excellent goals!

[mnt_dreams]

Good job with your goals. They are specific and attainable. You can do it!!

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Thanks very much for the support GoingToFixMe & Mnt_Dreams! It's so nice to know that someone is "listening" out there, becauase at times this DR/DB can seem so frusterating and unworkable, not to mention doing this singlehandedly reminds me just how alone I am in this marriage.

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Kept busy, busy, busy yesterday, which was great because then I was not only out of the house, but having fun and getting new perspectives, which I need to reinforce that I'm not going crazy or expecting too much from my H, by asking/expecting him to be normal.

I went to my first party w/o the husband and found out that more than a couple people there were also divorced, but I didn't know that. So they could commiserate, more than anyone else. I also don't usually get guys opinions about this stuff, and they all seemed to think that he is really immature and also just after money. I never really considered the immature part, but they're right.

It was also nice to be checked out by the opposite sex again. I'm definately not ready for dating or anything like that, but I appreciated someone giving a damn about my appearance and saying so, especially considering my weird H doesn't even look me in the eye anymore. I felt good and confident and wasn't at all ashamed of what's going on, which are big steps for me in this.

Had fun playing with some of the little ones there as well as watching them play with sparklers.

Oh, H noticed that his ring was gone. He cleaned the entire room, I'm assuming to try to find it, but he didn't find it. Asked me if I had it, but I did my "you took your ring off?" question and he said "I took it off because I was angry at you". Is he a two year old? How mature is that?

I then got in my little quip about "well, I guess it's time to move on anyways". What I'm doing by this is taking something hurtful, him taking off his ring, and using it to give me the strength to do something I need to do eventually anyways, take off my wedding band/engagement ring. Now I'm having second thoughts about it though, and think maybe I should wait until we are really divorced before I do this?

Have had a good day in that I've kept pretty busy and done the things that are important to me. I'm glad I made it to church as well. I have been checking out local churches and this one seems the most comfortable. In fact, they use some of the same hymns from my church growing up.

Bought a trellis for some morning glories as well as for a moon flower plant, and surprisingly, the H didn't complain that I was "digging up his lawn" once again. Maybe becasue I used very little of the lawn, and the trellis is not permenantly attached or anything. It just looks a heck of a lot nicer than looking at the ugly, plain garage.