The Climb

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

Hi SMW ~

Remember also... The Joy of the Lord is your strength.

I love that David Cook song!

Right now though, I'm not feeling so warm towards H. We are still living in the same house, dif bdrms, and going through D for last six months. He is an MLCer and knows the script well. For the last year, when this all started, I had decided to stand for my marriage. I have grown really close in my relationship with GOD through this, which is the best thing that has happened. Without the strength I've gained through HIM,and good understanding Christian friends, I may have been in major depression long ago. H has OW, and it has been so hard watching him come and go while living under the same roof. At my lowest times, outside of reading my Bible, I go to the Rejoice Marriage Ministries website. That website has given me so much comfort, especially when I read about the restored marriages.

There are times that I have been angry, hurt, furious with DH. It is all part of an ongoing cycle of healing. They have dealt us a horrible blow to our very core knowledge of who we thought we were--as women, as wives. I do not know how you can live in the same house with your H blatantly disrespecting you like he is. It is time to set some boundaries of what you will and will not tolerate.

In the beginning of this, I spent all of my time on websites for restoration, listening, reading, whatifing. I still spend way more time than I should, but I have worked on GAL during the day, so it is mostly at night and I just stay up too late. I have taken to praying prayers of thanks for the many things that God has blessed my life with on a day to day basis. My kids, my health, the roof over my head, working vehicles. Then, I thank him for the blessings i am waiting for--but thanking as if they have already occurred. If we are going to believe that the blessings are going to happen, we need to also believe that they are a done deal and merely waiting on the perfect timing. Therefore, we can begin to thank for them now, instead of waiting until after the fact.

I am on my second week of a three week vacation. It has been so good for me to be away from the madness for awhile. I do feel animosity setting in though, which I don't feel when I'm at home. I start thinking about how much he must be loving that I'm not there. He can come and go with OW freely. I start wondering if she's been in my house. (sigh). He texted me twice the day I left. I answered the first one, but not the second. I made up my mind to have NC. I was hoping he would miss me, but why should he if he has OW. (sigh again).

Do not give him that much time in your mind. Enjoy the time away as a time of growth and change for YOU. You have no control over him, his thoughts, his actions. I have always tried to believe the best in DH. If I believe in God's restoration, I do not need to worry about how often he thinks about me, whether he thinks about the OW or proceeding with the D. I am not perfect in this and I do lose faith, but God will pick me right back up again when I seek His face. Another good website for learning how to be a True Woman of God is www.reviveourhearts.com. It has helped me alot since i found it. If you visit it, look back to past teachings from the week before Valentine's Day, where there is a wonderful story of marriage restoration.

I do love him, but not who he has turned into. I pray for him all the time. I also pray for OW, that someone would come into her life that is available and not already married. That is hard. I also wonder if this prodigal were to come home, if I could forget. I need to forgive, I know that.

I have prayed the same prayer for the OW. I pray for her conviction in the HS for the damage she is doing to innocent children. I pray for my husband and I pray not only for conviction, but for him to truly remember the past, not his rewritten version. I pray for him to regain his salvation in the Lord. I pray to see love in his eyes again for me, not just our children. I pray to feel his touch, to have him sleeping beside me at night and holding me in the morning.

Forgiveness is tough but the best thing we can do for ourselves. I read on here once that unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. The bitterness will eat at you forever until you let it go. As far as forgetting, it will fade in time as the rebuilding occurs, until you remember the incident, but the pain associated with the memory is gone.

We need to remember the power of prayer, and HIS timing.
The patience is what's getting to me though.
And him acting like a teenager! lol

Keep standing strong girl,
MJ

I am not a perfect prayer warrior and am grateful that others are willing to hold my arms up for me when I can't do it alone. I understand about struggling with patience--it was never a strong point for me and the kids still live with the struggle i have with it, but I am SOOO much better than I was even a year ago. I learned not to ask God to grant me patience--He would just give me more trials to build it. Instead, I thank Him for the patience and grace He has given me to deal with things and thank Him for being there to guide my heart an tongue when it starts to get out of control. Since I am already dealing with one obnoxious teen, adding a second one in the body of my husband has not been easy, but it is easier than believing that he had all of this spew hidden in him all along and I never saw it. Instead, I think of it as a phase that he is going through, much like the kids do.

I am standing strong, but know to bend when the winds blow to hard. I pray the same for you.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW