What other things brought about a desire in you to stop your EA? Was there a particular pivotal moment that sparked your interest in wanting to stop the EA?
I have that asked by LBH's a lot. It wasn't like a scene out of a movie where a particular incident happened that knocked me on my backside. When I came on the board here, I was fortunate enough that the "right people" came to my thread and I mean they were hitting me with 2x4's like you wouldn't believe. However, they threw enough true concern in their posts that I could handle what that tough love. I also got those E-Books I told you about around the time I first came here. So, it was like I was being flooded with the information I needed. However, with all of that going through my mind.....it still took time for me to "finally" let go of OM for good. The "process" of ending it is more than just saying good-bye or deleting his email, etc. It is what the WAW has to do within her own mind/soul. That, in my case, was not a "particular pivotal moment". It seems as if it should be, doesn't it? But, all this information and daily stuff has to continue to "build" inside of the WAW and finally I began to accept the decision I knew I had to make. Then.....the painful follow-through with that big decision. So again....I hate to tell you that it is that old four letter word you despise.....TIME.
BTW, I also read "The Walk Out Woman" and that was helpful to me. I think it would be very helpful for LBH's to read to understand how their WAW is feeling.
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I think an important part with respect is establishing some good boundaries, but I'm not sure where to start. I'd like some ideas on this beyond "turn off her cell phone".
That's a hard one for me as a former WAW. Puppy Dog Tails is your man to help understand and get ideas for "boundaries". I do know that you can't talk to her like you were her father and use that tone of voice with her. Man, she will fight you to the death, if you try that. It's a fine line. Puppy told his W that under no circumstances was she to contact OM in the presence of the children. She was not to contact him (TM or call, etc.) in front or him (Pup). In other words, you can't control her sneaking around and doing things behind your back, but you can control her showing disrespect right in front of you. I would think it would be hard where the kids are concerned b/c they would actually have to tell you if Mom was TM or calling OM for you to know, but I agree with Pup that it is highly disrepectful for a WAW to do that.
Another time Puppy's W came in around 2:00 AM once and he told her if she ever did that again, she would find the house locked.....and I can't remember the rest of it. I wondered if she didn't have a key or if he would change the locks, but he told her she'd have to get by the best way she could....so I guess he would have changed the locks while she was out...
It all goes back to her doing things that "openly" shows disrespect toward you, as her H. If she is our running around town at 2:00 AM, then people see her and it is a reflection on you as her H. She has to suffer some type of consequenses for her actions and it has to be severe enough that the enjoyment she would have received from her running around was not worth her consequences. Just like we discpline our kids with suffering consequenses.
You can't demand that she stop all contact with OM, b/c she won't. You have to lay certain things out in "steps" for her. Like a plan to go by. Puppy would tell his W that he did not intend to live in an "open M" and that was why he would not have sex with his W until she stopped her PA. He does advise men to sleep in the marital bed and let the W make the decision to sleep elsewhere "if" she doesn't want to share a bed with him. But this is a sign of him being the "head" of his home and that it was not "him" that is WW. (These are my words...not Pup's)
If you contact Puppy, he could give you better ideas to help you.
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No wimps here. I am back in the saddle, ready to get back to work.
YES!
Hope you have a good 4th.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
