My last thread (Almost 3 years of S - Update) has completely vanished.

Not sure where I last left off - ow and H are over, H moved out of their place, was becoming more involved with kids and more open with me, now living with best friend - H is using him as band aid, someone to spend all his time with, to keep him company. Better than him being with ow, but still avoiding having to face himself.

H's interest and involvement with kids is sporadic. He's nicer and more open with me when I see him, which isn't often. There's no real connection, except for the imaginary one I sometimes fabricate in my mind. He shows no remorse, he shows no interest in me. No growth emotionally and no maturity.

For the most part of the last 3 years, I've known what I wanted - I wanted my H, my M, and my family back, no matter what it took, no matter what I had to do or how much I would have to suffer. Now that ow is gone, and there are no significant changes in H, I'm not so sure anymore. He hasn't changed and I don't want a selfish and emotionally immature H.

My fear is that he will use me to avoid his loneliness. My pride won't allow me to let H choose me by default. Suddenly, I find myself only wanting my H back conditionally.

I feel drained emotionally, although I know I shouldn't. I feel like I've been putting so much effort - but pretending that I'm not - into saving my M, and now that I could possibly be near the end, I want to give up. I have to think before I act when I see my H, which tells me that I'm not yet the person I'm striving to be. And now that H is no longer with ow and still doesn't want me back - maybe our M wasn't nearly as good as I thought it was, and maybe I was not an easy person to be married to.

I'm completely functional during the day. I have a life that I like. But at night, and when I'm alone, the loneliness sets in. That, plus the self-doubt, the sense of failure and rejection (AGAIN) - it's all getting to me. Maybe my time has come to stop standing and to finally just give up.

Or am I just afraid of the work ahead?

Lots to figure out - and at the same time, nothing I can do but live one day at a time, take it step by step, and deal with the hurdles as they come along.

Ok - accomplished nothing with this post, but I do feel better for airing out all my thoughts and feelings...