Just a quick note to say that my H seems to be committed to moving out. He said living with me and the sex, etc., is confsing him.. He also said that others he has talked to (not counselors) have told him that it sounds like 'he should move on'. He is highly in fluenced by what other people tell him, except not me.
I really don't want him to, of course, but I know I need to let him follow this to whatever end it may lead. My family thinks I am nuts for putting up with his behavoir lately (going out 'til all hours and fliritng, with other women..and who knows what when I am not there). I am so exhausted from not sleeping, not eating and not being able to think about ANYTHING except about how this happened - or how our R got to this point - that I am ready to give in. I want to give him his space, but I am not yet ready to give up. However, giving up seems so easy at this point. I think that is where he is at. The easy way out. Still planning a vacation together in August...
He doesn't care that I am trying to change. Is this typical? I feel like this has all happend so quickly, that I still feel like I am spinning from - at leaset what I percieved- as a steady R to one where I am in free fall. I think that is why I still have hope - however small. He plans to move out on July 16th..why a Thursday I have no clue.
I really appreciate reading everyone's posts and I am gleening some insight, but I still feel such sadness and grief that it seems just giving up would be better. I look around the house and see things I will never want or use again, and have begun to 'clean up'.(throw out) Is this normal? I haven't even began to go through pictures..I don't want to. -marsh
M-45 H-46 no kids, 2 cats, 2 dogs M-19yr bomb-May 9, 2009 H has paperwork, but has not yet filed in C, IC and MC MLC?
There are good things that an happen when you give him his space. A lot of them, actually. I think a lot of situations can't resolve until there's that kind of separation.
For one thing, while he is gone you won't have to feel like you are walking on eggshells every time you deal with him. And hopefully you can use the time to recharge yourself... eat and sleep better, just take care of you! Then, when you do see him, you can be a stronger person that you have been able to be with things the way they are. Hopefully, he will see a woman that is more like one he would like to be married to. (I'm not saying there is anything "wrong" with you now.... but to him, there is.) You can take the time to become more of the person you want to be!
You are right, he doesn't care what you are trying to do right now. His mind is made up, anything that contradicts that right now is probably going to do nothing more than make him angry.
Do you have "Divorce Remedy"? There are a lot of tools in there that can help you get through this. Remember, you have to save yourself to save the marriage. Either way, you win!
Handsome Thanks for the words of encouragement. I haven't heard him talk about it any more, but last time, he plans to move out by July 16th. Sometimes I think space is a good idea right now, but it still seems like a step in the wrong direction.
Next week, he is in Japan on business and I will meet him Seattle for his grandparents 70th wedding anniversary. His whole fam will be there. I hope it goes well. I told him I would be supportive of however he chose to handle any conversations with his family about our situation, if that occurrs. I think everyone except his grandparents know.
This weeknend, there is (another )party over at neighbor Mike's house. Single guy, single friends. I think he will go, but I really don't want to be there when he is gone or gets back, since sitting at home is a drag. So I might pack up the dogs (he would just feed them, throw them in their crates and leave to go to Mikes) and stay either at my sister's or parents. Not sure how I would tell him this or what I would say as to why I would do this, but I really think not being at home and just down the street from Mike's house would mean another sleepless night for me,(esp. considering his behavoir in front of me at earlier parties) and might even make him feel like I am there waiting for him.
I do have DR, and have been reading it...mostly the LRT chapter. I am relatively new to all of this. I think patience is a gift and I hope to become better at that as well as detaching from the expectations of the old R and him, at this point.
I am heading out of the office now to go buy some new golf clubs(irons). I think that might cheer me up a little. We are golfing together on Sunday. I need to find other people to golf with, I think....
Wish me luck this weekend...holiday time,it will be tough for me. marsh
M-45 H-46 no kids, 2 cats, 2 dogs M-19yr bomb-May 9, 2009 H has paperwork, but has not yet filed in C, IC and MC MLC?
(((((marsh))))) Hmmmm.... I know him leaving seems like a step backwards, but really, it doesn't have to be. Take the lemons and make lemonade!
As far as how to tell him you are going to take the dogs and go to your sister's or parents', how about just telling him you are going to. Why doesn't matter! You are an independent adult, you can make that choice for yourself!
Maybe his week out of the country will give him enough space that he won't feel the need to move out, but don't count on it. And whatever you do don't mention it to him! I think MLCer's are ofter really good at saying what they are going to do, and not so great on the follow through. The less you can talk about your R the better. I think I'd be pretty dark while he is gone, which might be pretty easy with the time difference. Don't get sucked in to his drama!
Patience is one thing you are not going to have any choice about learning! So you might as well start now! Detaching and losing the expectations are key, too, so you are starting to understand what you are getting into!
New clubs sound like excellent therapy! I just did two days of intense instruction, trying to get better, and have a little fun while I am at it. The guy actually said lots of nice things... maybe he was just polite! Didn't believe that my scores are as high as I said! Anyway, he recommended shafts a lot different than I've got, so I may be making a new set, or reshafting mine.
Good luck this weekend, and next week! You'll do fine if you put your mind to it, and try to focus a lot more on you than on him!
And, just so you know..... I didn't give myself the name Virtually_Handsome! One of the moderators did it as a joke, and I decided to let it stick!
hi jeff, I like your name, actually, it seems like most folks here have pretty good or clever names. I just wanted to be able to log in, so I just kept trying until the system accepted.
I was thinking on my way home yesterday how wiped out I am now after 2 months of crazyness. I thought about how I feel like I am both physically and emotionally drained, that maybe at this point, I have nothing left to invest or lose. So not feeling anything about what is going on might be possible, since I don't think I can feel anything right now.
I hope this weekend goes well, too. I never know how H will react to anything I say or do, since he is very...inconsistent or reactionary, etc. to almost anything. Very unlike his 'old self'. He flipped out last week, when he came home and saw that I had set up (we had our floors refinished last fall and moved all the furniture from the rooms into a 1st floor room until we could move it all back in - but have yet to do so...we have a lot of half-finished project around our house)a 'spare' bed in one of the bedrooms, so if either he or I wanted to, sleep there. Wow. I wasn't home when he got here so I could explain why I did that. However he was so very angry and thought I was, as he said: 'kicking him to the curb'. Not the case, but why would he think that(or care) and why would he be so upset? At that exact point, he went on line to look for houses (that took dogs) that he could rent. Found out last night the house he wanted has been rented out already...so he is indeed looking. I think he will follow through. So I am trying not to care, or think or give too much of myself or my emotions into what he does. Like everyone here says, 'it is what it is'.
I am trying to make my own plans, but not in a mean kind of way, just for me. Over many years of marriage, grad school, etc., etc., we had made friends with and then lost touch with many people. For H, he already had all these single friends,he recently met through Mike.(evil neighbor ha) But for me, I mostly made plans with our couple friends, or people from work. It's hard to expect or call upon friends who have typical married lives to ask them to go out at night, etc. That is the toughest time of day - from about 5 PM to 5 AM. Sometimes I wish I could sleep all the way through that time, just to escape.
I stopped by 'Golf Galaxy' yesterday and tried out about 4 different kinds of clubs. I didn't want to spend too much $$, so that limted things. Probably good. I have been playing with a set of used men's irons for about 4 years. I like them, but they are a little heavy. They golf guy, after watching me, reccomended a set of men's (I tried women's clubs too, but they always feel so short..I'm not tall, 5/7, but they just feel wierd to me)graphite. He said I will have to adjst my swing a little, since it looks like (in the simulator) that I will be pulling left now. I plan to go the range today to check them out on real grass. The best thing is, they came with 3,4,5 hybrids. Very exciting. Adams Golf, by the way..not the oversized..blades basically.
Hope you get out and play this weekend!
marsh
M-45 H-46 no kids, 2 cats, 2 dogs M-19yr bomb-May 9, 2009 H has paperwork, but has not yet filed in C, IC and MC MLC?
I never know how H will react to anything I say or do, since he is very...inconsistent or reactionary, etc. to almost anything.
I think there are a few things that go into this. First, he is looking for reasons to be upset with you. It helps him justify his decision. A lot of times it won't matter what you say or do, he will turn it into a negative in his head. Another thing is that at some level he knows what he has done to you. And he assumes that you would react the way he would react. So he will interpret your actions that way. Hence moving furniture equals kicking him to the curb! Which is really weird, since he already said he wanted to walk to the curb. Don't try to make sense of it. At this point he either isn't really thinking, or isn't thinking like the guy you knew for years. You can validate his feelings, but there's no point in having to have a rational discussion about them.
From what little I know about clubfitting, I think that men's graphite might be just the thing for you. You might not be tall, but you are certainly on the taller end of what the women's standard clubs are designed for, and just barely on the short end of the men's standard, I'd expect. I'm wondering if they should flatten the lies just a hair for you? Might even get rid of the pull. The hybrids should be great for you! I got tired of seeing the prices for clubs, and decided to assemble my own. I can't do the fancy stuff, like adjust lies, since I don't have the tools, but I can cut the shafts and stick on the heads and grips. I can also change the lengths that way... though I have ended up pretty standard. It shouldn't be hard to get them to shorten your new clubs a little, if you wanted to!
Anyway, keep working on your detachment (it sounds like you are making progress). It doesn't mean you don't care, but it does mean you don't let what he does mess with your emotions. No R talk, no expectations, etc. And really, take care of yourself! Maybe you can hit the range in the evening now and then, and use some of those hours that are so long? Be the person you really want to be.... not what you think he wants, he'll see through that. But if there are things you've always wanted to improved, it is a perfect time to do it!
thanks again for the advice/feedback VH! It sounds like you are quite the golfer..and making your own clubs! You must be pretty serious.
H forgoed the party last night for what he said were 2 reasons: 1) had to get up early today (5 AM) to go golfing with boss 2) didn't want to deal with me and/or the potential questions that would come with going to Mike's. So we went to a movie. When we got back, someone had TP'd his car and some of our house. I thought it was kinda funny and it wasn't really that bad (nothing up high in a tree, etc.) He was totally freaked out and blew up at me, despite me not reacting at all. I said nothing about it, it was all him. I offered to help clean it up(it is supposed to rain today), and he refused. I went out and did it anyway, said nothing while I did it. He then seemed to calm down a bit. Did he think they did it because of me, and therefore he blamed me for it happening? Or was he just being overly sensitive and assumed it was worse than it was? It was upsetting for me to see him so upset. He also has constant diahrrea (sp?). Not that everyone needs to hear that - but he gets that way when he is stressed out. He was haveing REALLY bad bouts of it yesterday evening. And since he has stared this new job,(past 8 months) he has frequent occurrances. I know his (in)ability to handle stress is a contributing factor to all of this. Maybe he will realize that after we are divorced...it's all so sad.
I wish he would get himself to IC or a therapist.
I think I might go visit my parents today. Not sure if I can handle the ususal 4th-type stuff, like hanging out and making small talk, cooking out, etc., so I don't know if I will be doing any of that. But I do think I'd like to see my folks and just simply get out of here for a while.
I tried out the clubs at the range yesterday. I think I will need some time to get used to them, but they are significantly lighter. It will be good to get out and play tomorrow to really see how much better or worse I am.
Talked to our MC yesterday to set up our next session. I told her (again) what our condtion was and that although it's great to have tools for communicating,(what we went over last time) we are in a 911 situation. Then she went on to say how we both need to talk about what is missing from the R, anger issues, etc. etc. Is this normal for MC for people in my type of situation? We have only gone once with this person, but I am so worried that I want each session to 'count', that I want to make sure we each get something out of it. I was wondering how other counselors approach, or would approach helping people in an R that's in a nose dive?
Yes, I need to work more on the detachment. It seems like that's the hardest part. marsh
M-45 H-46 no kids, 2 cats, 2 dogs M-19yr bomb-May 9, 2009 H has paperwork, but has not yet filed in C, IC and MC MLC?
I wish I could give a good answer the question about MC. I do know that DB recommends "solution based" MC, which seems to be fairly uncommon. My understanding is that a lot of MC focuses on the past, which doesn't seem to be a really effective. Solution based MC focuses on, surprisingly, solutions! If you can, and since your H still seems willing to go to MC, it might be a good idea to make so phone calls, and see if you can find one that uses solution based techniques.
Whatever you do, I think it would be a good idea to limit R talks to MC, or when H bring it up. And when he brings it up, let him lead. Don't try to push him where he doesn't want to go.
It sounds like he could really benefit from an IC, but you know there's no way you can make that happen. You can support him he ever sounds like he is considering it, of course!
I think going to your family today makes a lot of sense. Time away from the stress could be good. It sounds like he is really stressed, though he brings a lot of it on himself. Maybe if you aren't there he will eventually figure out that you are not the source!
I hope you get a chance to try out your clubs on the course! I'm really not a good golfer... I just try to have fun! I make the clubs because it is fun, and I can do it so much cheaper than buying them!
Hi VH/All, Not sure how to correctly reply, or even start threads here. Had a recent change over the weekend, and I don't know what started it, why, etc. And I am not sure where to post now so I can get some feedback.
But, H said this weekend he wants to work on our R and he thinks it could work out. At first, I was feeling quite happy about this, but now I worry if he will waffle again. So much wierd stuff has happened (that I am aware of ) over the past 2 months or so.. women chasing him, being out with his 'buddies' until 3-4 AM, etc., etc. , that I am not sure if I can handle being kicked in the gut again - or even the thought of having everything fall through.
Here's another strange twist - so he has a female co-worker that he has apparently cried his heart out to. Not that big of a deal for me - but then I saw an email he wrote to her that was quite emotional - said' I am sorry I didn't get to spend as much time with you as I wanted. It is so hard that what is so close to your heart is so far away'...he said that they are just very close and she has been there for him while he has been going through this, and his work issues as well. WTH??!!
The email made my stomach churn. He said I shoudln't read too much into it. He also said he had to leave early(to me) to go to the office today, and then in the email he was aksing her if she was going to be in work early and that he could stop by before his flight to Japan.(he later changed his mind and wanted to hang out with me at home until we both left) What should I think? He acts and tells me how much he loves me, wants to be with me, wants things to work out, how he will miss me (for 3 days),and sends a woman an email like that?
I have never disbelieved his sincerity before, but now I really wonder. He says this woman is married, he has no interest 'like that' in her, she's not his type, they are just really close.
It was really hard for me to not react. I didn't - but I still had questions, which I thought were legit. Feeling really numb right now and confused. What does he really want, was he trying to cover up?
Any advice for something like this? Keep detaching? I think this will be another day of no eating for me...
On another note: golf was great yesterday. I love my irons, hybrids not so sure. I miss my 5 iron. Can't get loft on the hybrids, now. Distance yes, height, no. I need more practice.
Hope everybody had a nice weekend. -marsh
M-45 H-46 no kids, 2 cats, 2 dogs M-19yr bomb-May 9, 2009 H has paperwork, but has not yet filed in C, IC and MC MLC?
Keep posting to your thread.... it is easier than if you start a new one, and people have to find your old one to figure out what is going on! You did it right!
Sounds like you had quite the weekend! I think it is good that H says he want to try. He may still be unsure, but at least he said it. At the same time, I think you are right to be cautious about beleiving it 100%. I don't think there's usually an instant turn-around. He probably IS going to waffle... try to stay detached, and you can get through it. Remember to keep breathing. (And eating... please, watch your health!)
I can see being worried about the coworker's place in this. What he said to you, and what he wrote in the email don't seem to line up all that well. I think you should certainly keep your eyes open. At the same time, the fact that he talked about her as much as he did is hopeful, I think. It could be that that is how they communicate. And not knowing what they talked about, or how, it could even be that some of what he said might have been referring to you. (I am an eternal optimist...)
I think you should take the next few days to make sure you are feeling good about you. When he gets back, have an open mind. Let's see if his behavior matches his words!
Stay calm. Do a lot of watching and listening. Don't try to get him to talk about the R, backing him into a corner is not a good idea. You can do it, Marsh!
