Living, Loving, & Learning one day at a time

[Treese]

Wow....Thank you all so much for your continued support....I think I've cried enough now....now I'm mad.....I'm not sleeping very well cause all I've thought about is how am I going to raise my younger 2 kids on my own....

When I was talking to my H that morning I told him he's not the person I married and of course he continued to say he is exactly the same person....that I wasnt' around him and I didn't see it...well....first of all if he was the same person he would be at home but ok...I don't fight with him anymore...I think I started to choke up one time and then reeled myself in....what ticks me off is that he is so CALM...how can he be so calm.....well...maybe he just wants me to agree to everything...he kept telling me we still have lawyers but it doesnt cost as much....that we could sit down with each other and go through everything because he doesnt care about the money...(he apparently just wants rid of me, then in the next breath he is telling me I will never get more than half....I said, right...half your pay and THEN come the bills...which an attorney told me because of his pay he would have to come up with 70% of the money to pay them...H also told me he even thought about taking part of his 401K to pay off the bills....but he can't do that unless I sign...I'm Not....H says attorneys are just out to take our money and then my kids will be left with nothing...I told him I am fighting for my kids....they do not deserve this pain and I will protect them as much as I can..

I have been advised by attorney's, friends, friends who are attorneys NOT to go to mediation...

I told H I was going to make sure that the 'love child" gets paid after all my payments were made and he told me he was told by the attorney he had for the paternity suit (which I paid for)...that my kids were already taken into consideration and it is already figured out...of course I said, it can't be we arent divorced yet and he said, "I told them we were getting a divorce"...

AT this point I just want peace...let him spin around in his greener grass, I don't want any part of that...right now I don't even like him....I told him I am so much better when I don't see or hear from him...of course he ALWAYS has a comeback to EVERYTHING I say...he hasnt shed a tear yet for our marriage and that is messed up...

OHHHH, he brought this up...he said, "if my mom and dad got divorced I would still love both of them"....I said, "well that's fine but you know darn well your mom and dad wouldnt get divorced so it doesnt matter...he said, "my mom said they had problems"...I said, "of course they did, everyone does but they WORKED it out, didn't they"..."he said, "my mom probably told my dad he couldn't get divorced".....BINGO!! my answers are coming....his mom has always been very controling...it's all going back to his childhood....which I really thought was amazing but I'm sure she had control...we've butted heads plenty but scary enough his mom and I are alot alike...I"m not controling but the things we believe in are the same...my H takes after his mom....So H ran from all our problems....didn't discuss them, just said, " i'm not doing anything with you treese"...that was it...

Closure...yep...I want this nightmare to end....I want happiness, I want love, my H knows I have a heart of Gold...and my friends continue to tell me that once he really sees me dating someone, it will bother him....but I personally don't think it will....he has someone, "his soul mate"..

Friends and I got in a discussion the other night about friends who have gone out and had affairs and some of them were saying how unattractive their new person was....I explained to them that they always AFFAIR DOWN...they want to be put up on that pedistol and made to feel great....it's true...my H's Ow is ugly....well to me she is...and she is always trash....forever....


Thanks again everyone for the advice, the encouragement, etc...that's why I come here....

((((hugs)))

love ya all.....Treese