Firstly please can I thank you for visiting and posting. I am certainly not feeling any sensitivity to your suggestions. In fact, I welcome them and that is precisely why I finally decided to post. I think it is so wonderful to have the advice of people who are walking the path, or have walked it in some way. I am quite impatient to achieve in normal circumstances and so this sitch has been a real test for me.
Anyway, this may become a very long winded post so grab your coffee now Sandi! I love a chat and i can see you're quite fond of a word or two, yourself!
From your posts let's begin at the beginning. OW has been around 3 years and H left before I found out about the R. When I pieced it altogether and determined who OW was I gave her way too much attention in my mind. Although I knew who she was and saw her every so often I never spoke to her. Eventually I came to terms with the fact that she didn't really need to take up so much of my attention and I have learned to accept she's there (although the day she goes will be cause for celebration!) but I am not going to give her the power to ruin my day.
Onto my goals....I appreciate your thoughts in relation to these. I devised them after being on 'goals' forum and on re-reading them I recognise what you are saying but they're perhaps not as desperate as they might appear. Perhaps I didn't write them as well as I might have....knew what I meant I guess.
Goal 1: I think my conversations with H are usually quite calm and peaceful. Over the past months I have been working hard for him to see that our relationship is a 'safe' one. I try to show no pressure or expectations. I affirm often. I have been making sure when he pops in that I have a chat and then leave the room before he does to do other jobs. He usually pops in a few times a week. My intention in this goal was prompted after seeing him yesterday. He came by the house and was speaking to S outside. I didn't know he was there until I went to the garage. We called out hi and I went inside again. I later felt uncomfortable about that because I thought if it were any other visitor I would go and say hello and chat for a few minutes. That's what I had in mind for goal one...a chat for a few minutes rather than hello from afar.
Feel free to challenge my thinking because I can see the flip side that if he wanted to speak to me he would. I just don't want him to think I am avoiding him or ignoring him.
Goal 2: I hear where you are coming from on this and I am sure it's my anxiety talking, particularly after posting on the other forum. Anyway, point taken and I will change this accordingly. No harm done at this stage because I haven't seen him and we've hugged at his initiation only twice in the last 6 months!
Goal 3: Now H didn't know of my surgery so today I emailed him to ask him to meet with me to discuss it if he wished. I worded the email very, very carefully so I didn't pressure him and I gave him the opportunity to not have the discussion if he didn't want to. It was his choice. I can't afford to push him into anything. The surgery will be challenging but not life threatening.
I will be in hospital for 10 days and have a fairly lengthy and I believe, quite painful recuperation. Therefore, I am asking for support for me by way of the children-transporting them and perhaps having them for an extra meal or two. I am not relying on him or asking for his support in any other way! I chose to undertake this surgery at a time when he was speaking to me some days, shouting at me and not speaking at all on others. At that time I thought that I would be without his personal support. I chose the surgery regardless of his support and I still do!! If he offers more than transport and a meal or two for the kids , terrific. If not, it's as I expect. I am confident H will want to know the details. However, I will have to judge how much I share based on his response tomorrow.
I probably haven't quite finished and I am sure I haven't yet answered all your qns but my D is getting a little anxious that I watch a DVD so I'm heading off now.
Thanks once again, Sandi. Your words are so appreciated!
