Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2!

[BigJohn]

I do see you as a friend and I do want to help you b/c I know you are in terrible pain and need encouragement. That is what you want more than me telling you all that you did wrong. I can tell you this.....I came so close to leaving my M of 40+ years that I practically had my hand on the doorknob......but I didn't leave, Big John. I didn't leave! Sweetie, it takes so much time for this stinking mess to heal up and get back to what is almost normal again. Just pray to God that she "heals" and doesn't D you.

Sandi, Thank you for another great post and the wallops with the 2 x 4. I needed them. You are such a blessing to all of us LBHs. Thank you very much for your continued interest in my sitch. Having that family finances talk with my W on the heels of me dealing with my friend's crisis was just too much for me and I blew it.

I do want her to heal, but I don't see that happening until OM is out of the picture. Unfortunately we really can no longer avoid discussing the need for her to get back to work. It has to happen as we are too financially overextended at this time to only live on my paycheck.

So, you already had this "mind-thought" before you had your major backslide with your W in your office. Know what this is? It is "fear" and "impatient". I figure you have your nickname of "Big" John for a reason. Maybe John is nowhere close to your real name, but I have a feeling that the "Big" may refer to your built......maybe.....but I personally think of "Big" John as being a STRONG man. Some silly young females may think that physical strength is attractive in men, but as we women get some maturity under our belts, we discover that those muscles don't mean much if they don't have what they need on the "inside". It is who the man is in his spirit that makes the real difference. I believe you are a big man in your spirit, John.

Agreed, looking back now it was fear and impatience that got the better of me.

You are right about me, physically I am a big, strong guy. I am also very strong willed and very confident in myself. As much as I love my W and want my M to survive, if it does not, at least at the end of this process I will be in a much better place to recover and be the man I want to be. Despite the power my W has over me because of my love for her, even she cannot break my spirit.

After that, your natural instincts kicked, again, in to "fix" your W. Doesn't work. Look, BJ, I am just like you about that kind of thing. I KNOW how much you think if you could only point this out to her and get her to "see" the outcome that she would think logically and come to her senses! She won't think logically. I don't believe she CAN think logically in this crises she's in. You fell back into seeing her as the woman she used to be.

Your right, this is a REALLY tough thing for me to accept and something I continue to struggle with. She can't think clearly to pull herself out of this mess by herself. This fantasy of hers has no chance of succeeding, it's a damn DISASTER in the making if she continues down this path...there are no winners. The prospect of her dragging the kids and I to jump off the proverbial cliff with her just drives me wild. Good grief!!

However, I was already seeking some help at the time I discovered those statements......you have to bear that in mind.

I know you mentioned reading books (I presume you were referring to "Women's Infidelity") that scared you enough to want to stop your EA. What other things brought about a desire in you to stop your EA? Was there a particular pivotal moment that sparked your interest in wanting to stop the EA?

The only "resistance" will be what holds her back mentally & emotionally.....and that my dear friend will be the ATTRACTION/RESPECT that she feels toward you!!

I agree, especially with regards to the issue of respect. I think an important part with respect is establishing some good boundaries, but I'm not sure where to start. I'd like some ideas on this beyond "turn off her cell phone".

Now, I know I feel better after yelling that at you. I hope you "get it", Big John, I truly hope you get it.

Please listen to the people who have actually experienced first hand the whole thing. You may have tried to detach in 2 1/2 weeks....but you really didn't. You may have pulled back some, but you never "detached". As long as she has you hooked this badly...emotionally......then you are tied to that rope! All I can do is keep telling you that if you'll break free of that hold and drop the rope......you will be at peace, respect yourself, become attractive, and you'll be able to move forward (with or without her).

Don't worry Sandi you haven't lost me. I will stick with your advice and resume detaching. It is getting easier DB-ing as time goes on.

You have two choices. Becoming the man I just described.....or being like a whimp who follows his W around telling her how much he loves her & how beautiful she is, while he watches to see if she throws out a crumb his way. Of course, she won't! Then he'll get all angry and "express" his outlook about her A, but she doesn't stop b/c she doesn't respect what he has become.

No wimps here. I am back in the saddle, ready to get back to work. Thanks again Sandi. Talk to you soon.