Remember, crying helps, and is perfectly normal. I COULDN'T cry..I bottled up everything, and I think it hurt my health more in the end. I still haven't been able to really sit down and cry my eyes out like I did when the bomb was dropped..and I've been divorced almost 3 years now. And because I didn't let my feelings show then, I'm paying for it now.
As far as this mediation bit, unless you and your H make comparable earnings, there isn't any property involved, he's agreed to take on half of all financial responsibilties now and in the future in regards to your children , etc....don't even consider mediation.
Tell him that you need to look out for yourself and the kids, and you will be contacting an attorney (of your choosing) to represent you if/when he files for divorce. It pays to do this ahead of time, because attorneys need to make sure there is no 'conflict of interest' involved before they can take you on as a client. Once you've found one you feel comfortable and sure of, the two of you can just wait until your H and his attorney file the papers. Once he's done that...make sure that you tell your lawyer that since your H wants the divorce, and is filing..that you want some/all of your legal fees to be paid by H. This didn't happen in my case, but it should have.
If you find a good attorney, he/she will know just what/how to handle things so that it will benefit you in the end. You need someone that will watch out for YOU, and you alone. I don't really believe in mediation....I don't believe that when only one party wants to dissolve the marriage and has gone on to other people, and fathered other children, that one mediator can 'balance' things out. Either someone is looking out only for you, or they will be looking out for your H and his new woman/child, too. And I don't think that's what you want.
There is no fairness, no painless way to end a marriage, and tear a family apart. He's looking to dodge some of the guilt, so that HE doesn't have to pay in the end. Sorry..but I don't feel any empathy for someone like that.
At this point in time , you need to focus on your needs and your childrens needs...because you're the only one that will. It doesn't matter what he says to try to convince you otherwise..not at this point in his life anyway. You're on your own in protecting yourself and the kids. You need the l00% security of having your own attorney to watch out for you, and to know which pitfalls to avoid.
Don't be surprised if/when you're attorney says that the emotional things you bring up don't matter. Mine did. It doesn't matter in the end what your H said/did to hurt you, how many lies he told, etc etc. All the courts want to know are the specifics about money, property, maintenance wanted/needed, child support, etc. etc. My state is a no-fault state..which sucks. Pretty much means that the WAS never gets a slap on the wrist for bad marital behavior..and it certainly means that they don't end up paying more in the end to even things out the way they should be.
I agree with another poster. Have your kids chip in with the housework, etc. It will give them something to do other than to keep their eyes on you, and tell you if you're doing something wrong or right. And you could use the free time for yourself right now.
Make sure that your H is made to pay his fair share of the costs for your Ds wedding, future costs of schooling for the other kids, etc. Make sure the courts don't let him shirk on any of this stuff.
His lovechild comes in dead last in the financial end of this. His kids by his marriage take first chair. Regardless if he stays with OW or not, he'll be paying child support for your kids first, and THEN this other child. I also believe that any maintenance you may be awarded will be court-ordered to be taken out of his income first, and THEN child support for the love child.
An attorney can tell you better..that's why it's so important that you get one lined up now..before you actually need one. Don't wait until he files...have one picked out and ready to go. And then wait until your H makes the first move.
As someone said...don't agree to anything...written or verbal with your xh. His lawyer can talk to your lawyer when the time comes. You may be surprised at what your lawyer tells you you can expect in financial help from your H.
Remember we're all here for you...every step of the way!
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
