You both married someone who was very different than what you really want in a mate. The marriage was never going to be one that met both your needs. It was a mismatch. Maybe it is time to countenance that XH was right -- divorce was the best thing. Of course, his path was not OK, but that does not mean that divorce was not ultimately the best thing for each of you.
Reflecting on this when I ran across this:
Quote:
..Too Young The divorce rate for those 20 years old or younger is a whopping 85%—that means only 15% of all marriages between couples who are 20 years old or younger will survive. One key reason why these marriages dissolve is that a strong concept of self-identity needs to develop in someone before being matched well with someone with whom they can spend the rest of their lives.
Too Eager When a person’s self-identity is not yet as developed as it could be, he or she may believe that marriage will make them whole and emotionally secure. Once married, however, they may find that their personal problems are still there, leading to disillusionment and sadness. In some extreme cases, someone in this situation may even project anger and resentment onto their spouse because their spouse hasn’t made them whole. Other times, a person’s concept of self-identity has been through substantial changes from the ending of a relationship or a series of relationships. Divorcees and those who have recently lost a partner are especially vulnerable to being over-eager to get married because they can feel so emotionally bad about themselves, and in general, that they feel the pain they are experiencing will magically go away once married. This notion is the farthest from the truth. Taking self-improvement steps to rebuild emotional health is necessary before partnering with another..."
X and I were together since I was 16, him 15. He started to propose marriage to me within 6 months of dating; gave me a promise ring 9 months into the relationship, just 2 months past his 16th birthday and days before I turned 17.
Like I said in an earlier post, I guess I should be amazed that it lasted as good and as long as it did. I just thought we were one of the lucky ones, truly blessed.
I guess my own fog has lifted.
On one hand, I can clearly see areas of incompatibility. But, part of me still sees the potential that we had, that he had, to grow along side each other, if he had chosen that path. Here's the thing, though - he didn't it.
I still don't believe in divorce. This is a marriage that could have been saved. But a more recent question I am coming up against....should it have? Then, I look at my kids and think, Yes. I wonder if I will feel the same when they are grown. I wonder if it would have been me who slowly fell out of love when the nest was empty, and I was left with a man who is a "light thinker," watches poker, fishing and NASCAR, etc. and falls asleep by 9 every night. I wonder if I would have ever realized his capacity to lie, betray trust, his lack of communication skills, etc. What would it have taken?
The IC said something to me this week.... when I was growing up, I learned to hold on for dear life, no matter how much it hurt, no matter if I ever got anything back out of it. Fear of abandonment was on an equal plane as my fear of death (and my mom played on that).
Apparently, I have a special, unique capacity to love, beyond reason. If that is a flaw, then I'll take it. It makes me more vulnerable, but I'd rather risk it than not feel deeply at all.
A realization - I am unusually open to loving others, even those who might not deserve it - unconditionally. Fiercely loyal, often naive. My sister, raised in the same household (although 10 years difference), is afraid to open herself up to loving anyone at all. In fact, she goes out of her way to NOT have contacts and connections with other people.
Me, I think I have a secret t-shirt that says "Please Love Me" printed on it.
Glad that I have been working on asking myself to do that recently! And it seems to be working - I'm pretty content with my life right now. Who knew?
