Your cousin made an excellent point. "A connection's worst enemy is boredom"! Man--oh man--oh man! Is that ever true! Let me tell you something about my stitch. I had been soooo bored out of my mind until I thought I would go nuts. Now, it was as much my fault (or more so) than my H's b/c I should have done something to keep "myself" from being bored. But the biggest issue was that I was bored in the R. He became boring to me. When that happens.....trouble is knocking on the door.
Let me explain. I have told people (and it was the truth) that we had had a lot of family problems (our grown children's issues, etc.) and that stuff will really pull a couple down. You are burdened down as an individual--and as a couple. So, that's not good. I was already depressed over several things and had struggled with depression for many years. Then other things kept adding to the heap and it was if I just couldn't handle anything anymore. I was entering that "run away and escape" mode.
I was totally burned-out on watching TV. That had been all my H ever wanted to do in the evenings. No conversation....nothing, just watch TV. This had gone on for years and years. So, nothing was on the programming that I enjoyed. I didn't even enjoy movies that were brought home b/c I was "burned-out".
I was so bored, but I had health problems also and did not physically feel like going anywhere or doing any activities. I did not have any energy. Of course, that comes with depression, also. Anyway, in my state of boredom, I began playing games on the Internet. I played all the free on-line games that doesn't require anyone else playing along in the game with you. Finally, that got old, so I began playing the games that require a partner. Along with those type of games....the two people can "chat" as they play. You know where I'm going with this, don't you? Yes, it become flirtatious. So many men use these avenues as a means of "hitting" on women. Well, at first I would not respond to the flirting. But finally I did, and it was "fun". I stated to enjoy the flirting and began to respond to some of the things the men would say. Of course they always wanted to be added to "my friends" list. That way, they could just "chat" any time...and not have to use a game. When you go there.....you are in trouble b/c they have one thing on their minds.....sex. The conversation always led to sex. Even the men who seemed like pretty nice guys would eventually get around to sexual talk. Some did not waste any time and got right down to business. Anyway, after a while of this, I was really addicted. I craved for the attention of OM (other men.....not "man"). I am baring my soul here and don't know why I am talking so much, but just want to tell you about it.
It was horrible. I became somebody I didn't even recognize any longer. After a while of this playing games and flirting with men on line, the addiction became even stronger and I was bored with the games. I needed a stronger "fix".....just like when taking drugs. I am so embarrassed to tell this, but I've told it several time here on the board.....but I went on an adult chat line. There is where I met my OM.
So, in my state of stupidity, I got very, very careless about my use of the computer and my H found my messages to OM. He confronted me and I did not lie to him. I didn't say anything. What could I say--b/c he had read EVERYTHING I had written to OM. I just sat and cried out of humiliation. My H told me to go delete OM and end it. So, I cried my eyes out when I thought I was deleting contact with OM without even telling him good-bye. Can you believe that I was so addicted to the ego food that OM had been giving me that I was "crying" when I though that souce was being cut off from me?
I did not know too much about how all the message stuff works (...duh) and the next night when I was on the computer....the OM was able to tell when I went on-line and so his name pops up on the screen and he's asking me what's going on. Well, I hung on to him for dear life. I acted and felt as though he was my "life-line". That is how "addicted" I was. Isn't it terrible? Of course, I kept it all a secret from my H. But my H got suspicious and he began to "watch" me while I was on the computer. He would try to "catch me" in the mist of my communicating with OM. Oh, I nearly hated my H for acting the way he was during all of that time of my EA. He was acting very out of character! Well......needless to say.....so was I. My H was trying to control my behavior. It didn't work. It only made me more sneaky.
I had a web cam where OM and I could see each other. One day I came home from work and guess what? The web cam was gone. When I asked my H about it, he said that I and OM were too tempted to use it. I was so outraged at him treating me like a child!! I felt as if my intelligence had been insulted! Did he not think I knew how to install another computer cam? Well, I won't continue with all of that, but it became pretty ugly before it was over.
I was not the woman who had always taken such a strong stand on moral character in a M. I was a stranger to my family.....and even to myself. I won't go on with all of that, but the point is that it all started with....BOREDOM!! Oh, how sad!
I became an almost WAW. I stayed a WAW in my heart for a long time. That is something that does not go away in a matter of a few days. Even after I "wanted" to do what I knew was the right thing....I had that WAW mentality to battle.
At the beginning of my EA, my H would snoop to see my computer activity. He tried to force me to be a "good girl". Then he pursued me with his words of love and his smothering affection. I would not respond to that b/c it turned me off.....BIG TIME. Finally, my H detached. I thought he'd just given up and left me alone. That is when I finally began to seek help and found this board.....and then after a lot of time....I finally ended the EA. It was awful. It took a long, long time for me to find "myself" again. It took a long time and a lot of praying to began to have feelings for my H. Thank God, my H could forgive me and still love me. (BTW, we are doing really good now..... )
Well, hope you don't mind that I shared all of that humiliating experience with you. It still blows my mind that that happened. That I....'me'....Sandi....was that person back then. Now, I am NOT saying that it was God's will....b/c it most certainly was not! Okay? Sin in our lives is never God's will. However, it humbled me like you would not believe. I will never look down my nose in a self-righteous way and "judge" another person for their sin. At least, I won't do it intentionally. I found out through my own experience that "anybody" can fall. ANYBODY! If somebody had told me six months before that I would do what I did.....I probably would have tried to knock them out.....!~ That was how "stauch" I was about those things.
I hope that through my own personal experience of an EA and wanting to walk away from my M, I can tell others here how I felt as a WAW, and try to warn the LBS about the "Dos & Don'ts".
Okay, I've gone on & on, so I'll hush. Thanks for letting me visit with you tonight. Maybe.....just maybe I stumbled on some tidbit that helped you. I hope so.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
)
