Well I have pretty much blown it.My wife wanted a sep. agreement but I wanted to add terms of no dating during sep.She said forget it and said she has decided that she wants a divorce.She said she wanted time and space to decide but at the same time said she is not the marrying type.Says she would never marry again.She has been in her own place now 3 months but I know she was seeing someone else.She said it was just physical.She was sleeping with him while we were together also.I just wanted 1 simple term.I didn't believe dating someone while separated was at all beneficial to working things out.So today I texted her saying if she wants a divorce don't ever speak to me again.Then I texted her saying I'm sorry but thats just they way I am.She texted back saying to please leave her alone.We were married 13 years,together 15 and have 2 boys 10 and 12.She said I was a good man and husband and could do better than her.I just see such a change from when I first met her to now.Like 2 different people.I love her but I do not to go thru this anymore.It kills me when I know she out.Is there any chance of me salvaging this mess and possibly saving my marriage now?
Not if you can't accept that she is going to date while she is out of the house. It sounds to me like she is going to regardless. If you can accept that and detach, then try and use the Last Resort Technique, maybe she will come back. I am new to the whole DB deal, so I am not nearly as wise as many others on here, but I am sure some will chime in here for you soon.
Sorry to hear about your sitch and glad that you found this site. It can be and was a beacon of light during these difficult times. It continues to be so for me.
For your sitch, take a deep breath, ever suffering. You need to slow down. I am still fairly new to this and I am sure more experienced DBers will jump in soon.
But, first you need to DETACH. That means litterally YOU need to stop contacting her and YOU need to stop being so available. It may sound impossible, but read thru blogs, and you will see people do accomplish this.
And most importantly, please search within you to figure out if YOU want to still be in this relationship. I think anything is possible, but you have to figure out if you can put in the effort for your M even though she wants to date. You have that control! Sounds like she is going to dating with or without your permission. Are you willing to sign the Separation papers as is? There are a lot of people here who are dealing with A...maybe read some of their blogs to get some ideas on how they cope - if you decide you want to work on your M.
I know its emotionally tearing you apart, but it is so important to portray to her otherwise and just act "As If". Somehow showing them that you care overtly seems to put them off more. I can only speak from my own experience. But it is really true. It totally stops them in their tracks when you stop trying to get their attention and connect with them.
To work on your M right now - for your situation really means letting go of her and concentrating on yourself. I remember when someone told me this the first time, I felt like they were crazy. After all, my spouse left, not me. But, what I mean is that it is an immense opportunity for you to grow and become more in tune with who you are and what YOU really want and in the meantime give her the time to get to that point. It will take her longer.....of that I can assure you! Its a long road ahead.
I wish you luck as you begin your journey. I am sure you will find that many people on this blog will support you on a daily , sometimes hourly, basis and give you some very sound advice.
You are right. You have totally blown it. Do you seriously believe that setting a boundary of not dating during a separation agreement is blowing it? She slept around on you while she was married and she promised to be with only you then. What makes you think that if she told you she wouldn't date during a separation agreement that she would not lie? She lies and she cheats. This is your reality. Do what she says and leave her alone. The marriage you had is over and you will never have it back. You can only control yourself and your reactions and actions. You can't make her do anything that she does not wish to do. We all have free will. All you can do is be the best you that you can possibly be. You can only work on the things that you did wrong in your relationship and your issues. You can do it! Drop the rope and learn to detach. It will literally save your sanity!
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
the idea of putting a no dating policy in the sep. was that if there was no one else in her life she would think more about the marriage.A sep. agreement is a legal doc. that is enforceable in court.If she dated ,then she would be in breach of contract.Anyway that doesn't matter now.She said she decided on divorce the other day.Says she thought about it a lot.Considering 2 days earlier she told me D was a big decision.I don't know how she could have thought about it that much.I know the whole premise behind this site is to save our marriages.Most people on here are in similiar situations.How far do we go beofre we give up?I mean right know it is up to me to file for D or do nothing.She can't file against me in my state.Being the the that wants to save the marriage,how do I proceed with this?By not doing anything, I am keeping her in a marriage that she doesn't want right now.But at least we are still married and maybe things will work out in time.but that might make her resent me more.If I do file,she might be happy but I would feel like I never had a chance.I know we say not to let our spouses control us but in this sitch.i feel like she has left everything up to me.
Well after thinking logically about this for a few.I think I should just tell my W to do what she wants.If she wants to file than go ahead.If she wants to throw away a 15 year relationship, let the guilt be on her head.She is the one that is going to be destroying our family.Not me.I realize that I cannot stop her from doing what she wants.I kindda likened this whole thing to a game of chess.Its her move.I do love her and want to save the marriage but I cant force myself to make this move.Im sure that one day she will regret her decision.I just hope that I wont have any regrets by letting her do this.
But if you want to take some quick advice that you can employ right now which will be a step in a new direction you will do this: change the name. You are no longer "Ever Suffering", when you label yourself like that physically, you carry that with you, it defines you, it tells the whole world that you are suffering. You want this thing to turn around, instead of coming to this forum looking for pity because that's what you're doing and this 2x4 is for you bud, you will come here looking for advice and giving us status updates.
Call yourself something that is positive, "New Beginning", "Rocky 7", "unbreakable", "getting stronger", or here is one, just use your first name and tag it with a number or the letter "x".
That is step 1 to turning this around.
Positive mental attitude will give you positive physical results.
Time is both your enemy & your friend. Up to this point it's been your enemy, all the waiting, the time spent "suffering", living in limbo, etc. That all sucks.
Now time is your friend, your best friend.
You are going to start spending your time constructively & positively. You will start living a great life despite your current situation.
Hi, Robx, I'll work on changing my name.I was thinking Terminator.Anyway I honestly wasn't looking for pity.I really don't need pity from anyone except maybe the bill collectors.In terms of doing for myself,I still function day to day.I do jobs I have to do,maintain my house and take care of my kids.As I stated earlier that we all have something in common on this site doesn't mean all of our solutions are the same.I was just seeing if I could get some answers from someone that has a similiar sitch. to mine.
