First Timer

[goingtofixME]

I just posted this to someone else...may not help you, but hopefully it will.

Detaching takes a lightbulb moment. And it still takes practice. Please read my thread entitled I hate my Husband. I don't know if it will help, but I documented my lightbulb moment as best I could (somewhere around page 6 & on).

If you are asking if it is possible to re-attach...you don't understand detachment. I didn't either...I asked the same thing at first. The best way I can describe it is to think back to how I felt towards my parents as a teenager. That is where your wife is at. My parents could have told me they went through the same things in life when they were teenagers...and given me ALL the words of wisdom they had, they could have talked until they were blue in the face, BUT I HAD TO GET IT ON MY OWN!!! I had to experience life for myself. When your parents told you that a relationship you were in was bad & they had been there themselves...what did you think? I can tell you what I thought. Oh no, not me - MY SITUATION IS DIFFERENT! WAS are exactly the same.

What are teenagers ultimately fighting their parents for? Control - same as WAS. What made you LIKE your parents or LIKE coming home? Safety, comfort, no pressure, etc. - same as WAS.

Now think of WAS as a teenager...YOUR teenager. You don't love them any less because you realize they have to become the person they need to be & make these life discoveries on their own...detachment is unconditional love at it's best. It's loving someone enough to allow them to "get it" themselves. That's why you don't have to re-attach.

Once you "get" detachment, it's almost like your blinders come off. You will read other people's posts & immediately know where they "are at" because they will talk about what "they did" and how "WAS" responds. Once you truly detach...it doesn't matter how WAS responds anymore, it's ALL ABOUT YOU & KNOWING you made your changes & responded appropriately. You will do 180's without thinking about it. Added bonus - the changes are then genuine, lasting & sincere...WAS will notice a difference in the "new you".

I also talk on my thread about what I think is the first step to detachment which is to stop being fearful. When you live in fear, it overcomes you. When you get rid of that fear, you can grow & learn to detach.

I still struggle with it. Once you get it, you still have learning to do. To give an example of the first time I truly got it. H tells me he finally has a comp day from his new job & is going out on a friend's boat. Normally when I was doing my 180's I would have shut my mouth, but deep, down I would have been mad & thinking you should be spending that time with MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! When he told me about the boat, the first thing that popped out of my mouth was - Oh that sounds like fun! You guys are going to have a great time...and I MEANT it. Back to the teenager analogy, when WAS does something fun w/o you, it's the same as me going to college. My parents could have been selfish & said they wanted me to stay by them, but instead they welcomed the idea of me attending school across the country. They knew that this was something I needed on my journey to independence & growing up. While WAS does their thing, you do your thing to become the best YOU you can be. Hopefully the paths you guys take will bring you to the same spot to work on M again. But if not, you are now, as I heard someone else say in another thread - an excellent individual.

Thank you so much for this!!!!